External validation is dangerous. External validation takes away control of your own life. I do not want this for you, and I don’t want this for me. It’s not saying everyone else is bad but rather it creates the reliance on something out of your control, to be happy. Why not take this control back?

My struggle with external validation

Now before I start, I’m going to be honest: I am no angel by any means. Of course, naturally, I will look at how many books I’ve sold, how many people like my social media posts or who is texting me this week. As someone who is a growing Coach, Author, YouTuber and Podcaster, of course I am going to do this. Yet I’ve learnt that it is better to use this as feedback for what is and isn’t working, rather than relying on it for my enjoyment and satisfaction out of life.

I used to be so reliant on results for dictating my life. My struggle in Amazon book sales when I first started publishing books, my likes on social media as an older teenager, my expectations of receiving text replies from a girl I was dating, all used to take a large amount of control over how I felt. It was ok when things were going well but when they weren’t, I felt awful and worthless.

So instead, over time, I decided that the only approval I needed was self-approval. I know I’m not the only man or person who struggles with external validation though, whether it’s ‘I need to find the romantic partner to like me’, ‘I need more likes’ or indeed any kind of validation at all.

External validation during coronavirus

You would think that the need for this might be reduced, as we are in our own homes. However, as we all know, technology and social media are all around us; after all, we most of us still have our phones and the internet in our homes. In fact, we are probably relying more on social media and technology now, as we can’t go out and physically interact with people as much. Although I would hope that you are not the type of person who spends much time on their phone when with others anyway…

So, here are my top three tips that have helped me to reduce external validation.

Top 3 external validation destroyers

Reduction in social media and/ or texts
Looking at your phone can play a major role in external validation. So stop…Simple!
…..Ok, or maybe not look at it as much. The problem is we become addicted to our phones, and research shows we get dopamine hits when we get likes or texts. Therefore, cut down rather than stop completely, as then we are more likely to maintain this reduction rather than give up completely.

Go for a walk without your phone or music. Just enjoy nature.
I’ve found this so relaxing. Sometimes I am so tuned into music, podcasts or checking my phone that I don’t focus on the present and what is around me. When I started to go for walks and runs without anything, I found it so relaxing. I am focused on being present, rather than thinking about everything and everybody else. Just a 20-30 min walk each day can do you the world of good.

Find something you genuinely enjoy
Not something that will make you look good to others. Something in which you can lose yourself. It may be something creative or it may not be. When I write a book, I fall into that world and forget about everything else around me. I don’t care about what others think or how good it will look. It doesn’t have to be something amazingly productive. It can be anything that you love such as reading a book, learning something new or even watching a film you enjoy.

Conclusion
External validation is something very common for us all. It becomes dangerous when we get too addicted to it though, as it’s something out of our control, dictating our happiness. Instead, bring the focus back to you. There are some simple quick tips to help you to do this: focus on feeling good and on being you.

Jonny Pardoe © April 2020
http://example.com
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I’m writing this in sunny Devon as I prepare for both my counselling and coaching sessions coming up this week. As always, I never talk about things that  I don’t do myself and so  the aim of this blog is to provide you with some insight into what both will give you and then to allow you to choose which may be best for you.

First of all… what’s your challenge and what change do you want to see happen? Think about that first of all. It may not be as simple or straightforward as you think and so spend some time thinking about and then writing that one down. Then from that and from my information on counselling and coaching, hopefully you will be clearer on which direction to take.

Counselling 

Both counselling and coaching are about self-awareness. Counselling, however, looks at the reasons why you are feeling like you do, behaving in the way that you do and the actions / habits you take. It will look at your past and see how that has influenced you. The counsellor is not there to tell you what to do, although they may provide advice or unbiased observations from time to time; instead, they are there to help you uncover more about yourself. They are a skilled professional who knows how to steer the conversation to help you uncover more about yourself than you may have realised. As I touched on in my previous blog, once you become more self-aware, you then have a stronger foundation from which to take action.

Coaching

This, on the other hand, helps you to understand what you want and how to get there. Coaching may briefly touch on what has happened to date but is more concerned with focusing on what needs to happen with you from now onwards. The coach will be an unbiased individual who is there to facilitate a conversation or a session, allowing you to uncover the answers for yourself. They are skilled individuals, asking questions and shaping the session to help you; they do not give advice but empower you to reach your goal. This goal is explored, options are generated and then simple action plans are considered before the end of the session.

My experience

Counselling has really helped me to understand my low self-esteem issues, which, I discovered, were caused by experiences in my early life. I felt the need to please people and could never see myself as good enough. I had ups and downs for years but when I often returned to a place of low self-esteem, I never knew why. I then realised it was time to start applying habits that could promote a good self-esteem, such as positive self-talk and looking after myself more.

Coaching helped me to have a proper understanding of what I wanted and why. A couple of years ago, I thought that I wanted to be just an author but now I write, I speak, I coach and much more. I have discovered how much I want to express myself and share with everyone else. My coach asked me questions to help me realise this. In addition, I have simple actions which I look forward to completing consistently on a regular basis.

I use both to compliment each other.

Interested in stepping up and finding the more amazing version of yourself through life coaching?

Sounds like something that would help you to move forward in life? Finding that one magical thing that makes you feel alive? I offer coaching. To find out more about this, have a look at my coaching page

https://http://example.com/conquer-your-life-with-coaching/

Or ping me an e-mail

coaching@http://example.com

Conclusion

Counselling and coaching both provide invaluable self-awareness benefits. It depends on what you are looking for and what you want for your well-being or your personal growth. It may be that both are useful, just as they are for me. Have a think about yourself after and then decide. If you want to discuss either further, you can also drop me a message using the e-mail above.

You can find this YouTube video HERE

You can find this Podcast HERE

Jonny Pardoe © April 2020

http://example.com

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Jonny Pardoe

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First, to just mention… you’ll notice this blog follows last week’s monthly blog for March. So soon! This is because I’ve now increased my blog posting content. Why… it’s because I realised that it’s something that people value and I enjoy doing it and so therefore it is something worth spending time on. I will now be delivering weekly blogs.

So welcome back to my blog… I’ve been cracking on with so much content recently and have been so absorbed in my own world that at times I’ve forgotten what’s going on around me. A great feeling! Although I still do find it vital to take 10 minutes out for myself to listen to what’s going on in my head: something that I’ll go into shortly.

By the end of the blog today, I want to cover three things…

● Why self-awareness is important
● How it’s helped me
● How to practice self-awareness through meditation

Why is self-awareness important?
When we become self-aware, we realise what is good for us and what is bad for us. It helps us to understand what has held us back and what might have worked. This is why regular self-reflection is so important. Of course, just realising what is good and bad for us alone will only go so far, before we actually have to take action. However, developing the foundation and understanding our feelings, behaviours and habits is going to help us to manage those realisations.
Then to be happy, to grow, to feel good about ourselves, we want to do the things that support us to move forward. These are all different from individual to individual, though and so something that makes me feel good, may not make you feel good.

How self-awareness has helped me
A couple of years ago up until several months ago, I swung between feeling up and down. I’ve mentioned this in previous content, but my point today is that I didn’t understand it and wasn’t aware of what was happening. I didn’t understand why, when I had great friends, a great family, a great job, was fit and healthy, playing for a great football team and experiencing lots of other positives, that I was feeling down. It was really a lack of self-awareness.

Luckily, through the personal growth world, I was constantly picking up and learning new things, one of which was self-awareness. I was able to learn and acquire some new practices. I came to the realisation that living in the future most of the time: the ‘when I’ve made it’ or ‘when I’m good enough’, was where I was living. I was practising habits such as looking at too much social media, having heavy nights out and constantly daydreaming.
When I came to practices such as meditation, improved diet, improved workouts and a focus on what I could do each day, the quality of my well-being and of being present, increased dramatically.
Now… I am still not 100% spot on with all my habits. I still have bad habits such as daydreaming or having the odd crazy night out but now, I can acknowledge when I am in a bad state, what has caused it and what I need to do to improve my state. I don’t beat myself up when I have reverted to a bad habit but instead, I just adjust my habits and actions.

How to practice self-awareness through meditation

This is a key exercise that I was given by my coach and mentor into self-awareness. So, here are the instructions

1. Find a quiet place and sit on the floor or chair upright.
2. Put a timer on for a minimum of 10 minutes and ask
a. What am I feeling and what caused this?
b. How do I want to feel? (The FEELING and not the outcome or result)
c. What does my instinct tell me and what am I in control of?
3. Do NOT be afraid to let you emotions out (this can provide some relief) and write down any findings

Sounds like a lot of work? Well maybe not now but maybe in time, you will find that it is. That’s ok and perfectly normal but when I’ve found myself saying this, then I ask:
“Well this is 10 minutes to make me feel better. Isn’t it worth investing this time to do so, rather than waste it on my phone or social media?”

Conclusion

Self awareness really is a priority in my life and I hope that you find this in yours too. This simple meditation practice can, over time, help you to open up your mind and understand yourself better. Then when you’ve understood what you need to do, make sure you TAKE action.

You can find the latest Podcast of this HERE

You can find the latest YouTube video of this HERE

Jonny Pardoe © March 2020
http://example.com
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Jonny Pardoe

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In line with Mental Health Awareness Month in the USA and the upcoming Mental Awareness Week in the UK later in May, I felt that it was the right time to talk about self-love, my own experiences and what I have learnt from it. Self-love is something with which many, many people struggle, and this can especially have a huge impact on mental health. I hope what I write today on self-love provides a useful guide, so that people think in a different way, leading to them having happier, more fulfilling and purposeful lives.

“Not good enough!”

“I’m pathetic”

“Come on!”

Recognise some of these terms? It’s very likely you have said such things to yourself. I know that I certainly have!

The voice in our heads

There is a voice in our heads that comes at us when things don’t go the way we want them to, and immediately we feel down. It’s the voice that tells us we need to be doing better and we are not worthy as we are. This is the voice that is very aggressive and domineering.

In fact, it’s not until the last year or so that I’ve begun to get to grips with the skill of self-love.  Like a lot of things that I talk about, self-love requires practice.  Again, it’s like exercising a muscle in the gym, where you learn what to do and then practise. I’ve spent many years reading books but only in the past year, have I been reading specifically about self-love. I still have a long way to go and there are days when it’s harder than others, but when I feel real love for myself, those days are so fulfilling and happy.

The importance of self-love

If I could go back in time and tell my younger self one thing, it would be to really focus on loving myself. When I say self-love, I do not mean trying to appear confident or cocky in front of people, I mean a genuine sense of acceptance, appreciation, respect and value of yourself. It is so important to love yourself as YOU ARE YOU; there’s no escaping that. It’s not like a horrible ‘friend’, who is treating you badly and from whom you just walk away.

On that note, people will often try and seek happiness from others; now, it is important to note that self-love IS NOT SELFISH, it’s about allowing yourself to be who you really want to be. When we seek happiness from an external source, this can be a very dangerous game to play. This is because we can’t control others, but we can control our own thoughts, decisions and actions. Please also note that self-love is not about being alone either, although I have found that it is about being comfortable when you are alone. When you love yourself, you will want to spend time with the right people and give something to others. You will not tolerate people who don’t respect you, as you know you deserve better.

Top tips for self-love:

As I have mentioned, self-love is a skill that you can develop. Don’t try to force it, just try and work towards it and naturally it will come. This is what I’ve found. Here are some top tips that I have found have helped me to increase my self-love:

Praise yourself when you achieve something

When we achieve something, we feel great and can see that progress has been made. As human beings though, we are often so quick to dismiss this. Try, instead, to let the achievement or progress sink in. My suggestion is to note down the good points from each day, on a daily basis, no matter how small you think the achievement may be.

Not dismissing compliments or praise

When someone compliments us, there is often a response from ourselves, such as ‘Yeah but it wasn’t me it was more…’, ‘I didn’t do that great, but thanks’ or ‘Ah, thanks but I don’t think so’

NO!

You are getting a compliment or some praise for a reason! Let that sink in and say thank you.

When things go wrong, comfort yourself as you would a friend

Life will inevitably throw up challenges and setbacks, but don’t put that frustration on to yourself. Chances are that it is not your fault (even if you think it is), and even if it is, don’t worry about it! You can only learn. You are a human being (nobody is perfect).

In these instances, think of how you would comfort an upset friend or an upset child. You wouldn’t shout ‘COME ON, YOU HAVE TO DO BETTER, YOU LOSER!’…. well I hope you wouldn’t, anyway. So why shout these things to yourself? Instead, be kinder and say things, such as ‘Don’t worry about it, it will get better next time. You are doing great as you are’.

Listen to your body and emotions

If your body is screaming out that it is tired, or that you feel frustrated / annoyed / overwhelmed etc, don’t ignore it! It’s a message from yourself to indicate that something isn’t right. By ignoring these calls, you are not looking after yourself or giving yourself any love. When a family member is sick or very tired, you would tell them to rest, so do this for yourself.

Find time to relax and to have fun

This is probably still my greatest challenge; I have to admit! When I do find time for a little bit more ‘me’ time, I find myself feeling happier after all the work I do. Yes, we have to put in effort to achieve our goals and dreams, but you also need to reward yourself. By scheduling in time to chill out, you are rewarding yourself and treating yourself with the self-love that you deserve. You may argue ‘I don’t have time’. I would respond that by saying that there is always time for the most important things ,and one of the most important things you should give yourself is the time to relax.

Love letters!

No, I don’t mean writing to somebody you fancy, I mean writing to yourself. When we put into words how much we love ourselves, we are consciously picking out the great things about ourselves, in turn allowing us to love ourselves that little bit more. If you make a regular habit of writing a short letter to yourself (perhaps as part of your daily journal) then you will be able to identify more great things about yourself and more reasons for self-love.

You need to continue to practise such things, even when you think that you’ve reached a high level of self-love. Like any skill, you need to keep practising in order to both maintain and increase that love for yourself. This is just as the world’s top athletes would do in their field.

In summary

Self-love is one of the most essential things to focus on in life. You are you, so why try and run away from that? Self-love will help you to live a happier life. It’s not something that will happen naturally overnight but with practice, your skills will grow. Find time to really work on self-love as a priority in your life. I wish you all the best self-love and happiness that you can find.

Jonny Pardoe

Jonny Pardoe © May 2019

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There are a lot of opinions about the school system today. I found the school system a useful means of gaining qualifications so that I could gain my first jobs. I am grateful to my schools and universities for this as these places taught me the value of hard work, in particular. However, how I have really managed to change my life and to my direction in life, is through self-education. Self-education allows you to explore areas that really appeal to you and to help you grow in an area.

Self-education allows you to really focus on what is important to you and to develop as a person. When you find your passion or an area that appeals to you, you can then educate yourself in that field. Self-education combined with action, can help you become a master in that domain.

If you don’t know what your passion or main purpose is, then self-education can actually help you find that too. There are plenty of sources of information both online and in books that can help you start to identify your passion. All you have to do these days is Google it or search for topics on Amazon.

Self-education does not just come in the form of books as I have mentioned, there are YouTube videos, online articles, Podcasts and many more forms of information. We have information which is easily accessible to us these days. So, the opportunity to self-educate and to help us develop is stronger than ever.

So, in summary, use the information which is out there to discover what your interest is and what truly matters to you. You can then educate yourself on that topic as well as taking continuous action. The simple equation: knowledge + action = you becoming stronger in an area.

Jonny Pardoe

Jonny Pardoe © April 2019

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Today’s blog is going to focus on being truthful to yourself. When I say this, I mean specifically following what you love and enjoy, not following something that is no use to you any longer, even if it used to be once.

This could take the form of a job or a hobby. For example, you may have once loved swimming, being something that you’ve done for years but actually, it’s not as enjoyable as you now find running. Alternatively, you may have progressed up a career path, and although you may have had promotions and qualifications along the way, you find that you no longer enjoy that path.

In those examples, as well as many others, people will tend to continue to pursue those avenues and try to convince themselves that they should carry on along the same lines. This will not serve any good purpose and ultimately will make you unhappy. My advice on this would be: listen to your heart in regards what you really want, and don’t get confused by your head.   There is also the idea that you should pursue something because you think that is what other people may want. This comes down to pleasing people and a fear of saying ‘no’. This may be because people think you would be good following a certain career path but actually on reflection, this doesn’t appeal to you at all.  So again, trust what you feel, communicate that back to yourself, as well as to others.

Jonny Pardoe

Jonny Pardoe © March 2019

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