My Own Company

“Go on, let’s have another pint!” I say, trying to be persuasive.
“No thanks, I better go on. Back to the wife,” replies Trev.
“Well, what about you guys?” I ask, turning to my other two mates.
“Na,” they both reply, as they, too, move to stand up and grab their coats.
“Ah never mind then. I guess I’ll… head home too,” I add, not wanting to stand up.

I did not want that extra pint earlier because I was ready for a massive drinking session, I mean we only had a couple of pints. No, the reason for that other drink was because I wanted the guys to stay a little bit longer. I wanted company for an hour or so longer.
I wanted company. I always want company. Not like now, when I just have my own company. My own company and nobody else with me.

I walk home, it’s getting dark and feels cold. I may be a 6’2 foot ,15 stone man in his twenties but I feel vulnerable, nobody is there to protect me. Walking under the street lights, something follows me. My shadow. This is the closest to company that I can call.
I mull over thought after thought in my head, trying to remember back to before all of this. Back when I was with Steph, my ‘so called’ girlfriend at the time. We split up a few months ago. We wanted different things, or rather she wanted a different thing. She wanted someone not so insecure, so much so that she cheated on me and ended the relationship. I guess I deserved it.
Since then I’ve not wanted to be alone. I have been constantly around my friends, telling them all about it. Telling them how tragic I am. They listened at first but now they don’t, they don’t even see me now. I guess I was too much for them as well. So now I’m just reduced to a few of the guys at work for catch ups at the end of the day.
It sounds weird, but at work and those occasions after work, they are the best parts of my days. I actually have company around me other than myself, to whom I can talk. Unlike the weekends, those are scarily lonely times. I call my mum or my brother sometimes, but they are quite busy with their own lives. I don’t want to ruin theirs with mine.

I am in my flat now. It’s not much warmer than outside but I guess it saves on heating. I go to shut the curtains but wait a moment as there’s someone out there. There’s a couple heading to the block next door, all cuddled up to keep warm. I just observe, I just watch like a creep. They go inside, so I guess it’s back to me and my flat.
I can feel emptiness in my body, like a dark cloud. I stare in the mirror and my eyes look soulless and tired of life. Nobody wants to keep that man (me) company; it feels like this flat is destined to accommodate one tenant only.
I’m watching TV, just for some kind of company: Some form of life in my flat. I can’t fool myself though, as I fall hopelessly on the sofa.
I am alone physically and mentally, the worst double pain. Although people are within easy distance on the phone or in person, in my mind, I feel like they are millions of miles away, in another universe. It feels like nobody is coming to find me.
Soon something that I saw earlier, clicks. Something that may help me, so I Google it and find the number. A voice picks up and answers:

“Hello, Samaritans helpline” the man on the phone answers.
“Hi… I need someone to talk to, someone to help me” I respond, with a touch of relief…

 

Important notice:

If you or anyone you know, are experiencing any of the symptoms or issues experienced in the story today, please encourage yourself or the individual to talk, and to see a professional if necessary. In lots of cases, people hide or keep their mental health challenges to themselves and it gets worse. I know from experience when faced with difficulties, that when I’ve talked to people it has always significantly improved my well-being each time.

Speak to family and friends where possible but there are some other sources available if you wish to talk to someone independently. There are many but a couple of key ones for the UK:

https://www.samaritans.org/

https://www.mind.org.uk/

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Jonny Pardoe

 

Jonny Pardoe © May 2019

Photo by Samuel Austin on Unsplash

 

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