My Challenge with Grief

Today I’ve had a couple of things that rocked me and emotionally it set me into some less empowering emotions, it’s important to feel ALL emotions though I’ve found. So today I’ve certainly experienced some tougher ones.

Today I was in a situation where we were remembering someone who tragically lost her life, and although I didn’t know the woman for long it hit me hard from interacting with her. Therefore I felt called to talk about grief.

Grief for me isn’t just about losing a person, it can also be a job, a relationship or circumstance which gives some significant impact on my emotions.

Up until the last couple of years, I unconsciously found I was not allowing myself to feel grief. It started at when I lost my brother at two, grandad at three and grandma at seven. I just didn’t feel those moments, almost like they didn’t exist. I guess my system thought it was so painful that it wouldn’t allow that amount of pain.

When I got into my early and mid twenties my remaining grandparents passed away. Once again though I did not feel a huge uncontrollable level of conscious grief, I felt like it wasn’t real and went on. The same in other situations, for example if it didn’t work out dating or relationship wise I almost didn’t acknowledge it and not because of conscious choice.

Then in the last couple I experienced some situations which were really tough and brought to light all the years of stored grief. Wow! The emotions and body almost went into shock. I struggled to function day to day at times at the beginning.

One of the most significant experiences was in the Amazon rainforest of Peru where I saw my grandma in front of my vision from the plant medicine (one of the most powerful experiences of my life) and she was there to say goodbye. Writing this now has started bringing me to tears and I’m so glad I can cry, I can feel. I can also feel the beauty more in life too.

My biggest thing with grief I’ve learned personally is we process all in different ways, becoming aware of what’s going on in my body has been a huge one for me with work like somatic breathwork. Making time to feel as a human being is part of being human for me, and sometimes it’s ok to ask for help on that.

Allowing me to feel and release some grief has also given me energy to be more of me. To do what I love, grow and contribute. It just all started with self awareness.

Most importantly it’s about me being there for me. Holding the space for me to love and be there for myself. I’d encourage you, to allow yourself to feel your emotions too, find time to really listen to what’s going on inside of you and listen to it.

Jonny Pardoe

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