Tip 1: Acknowledge the negativity; don’t run from it
How to become happier with yourself? It’s ok to not feel great all the time. Yes, you have read that correctly. If you are expecting to read the answer to being happy all the time, well you’ve come to the wrong place and in fact there is nowhere online where you will find this. Why? Nobody on this planet is happy all the time, even if it seems it. Happier people are just able to acknowledge their negative feelings better, work through them and feel happy the majority of the time. They do this by starting to face the truth and not running away from it.

A good thing to do is either to talk to friends or family, but an even better practice is to journal. In fact, I’ve started to double my journaling efforts. Journaling is like being your own therapist at times. Make it a daily activity, where you journal a question and then write the answer; getting the words or the clutter out of your head, really does help.

Tip 2: Practise gratitude to be happy with what you have now
Do you find that your mind is constantly rushing into the future? I know mine certainly has. When this happens, we can never be happy; there is always the feeling that something else is to come. Instead of doing this, learn to appreciate what is great in your life right now, no matter how small. I would advise 3 x 1-minute slots a day naming those things that you appreciate. It could be the bed you woke up in, the nice meal you had, a great chat with a friend or anything. This may not be too easy at first, but you will get better and better at this and start to feel great about life and to become happier.

Tip 3 – Get off social media
I constantly say this. It’s not to say get off completely but scrolling on social media, looking at those ‘perfect’ people, who aren’t perfect at all, will not help. Social media is useful and great for networking but can cause negative feelings such as disconnection from reality, unhealthy comparisons and actually ruin relationships if you don’t engage, person to person. All of those are happiness killers.
Instead cut down on your hours on social media, have social media free times and instead, spend those times doing things that you enjoy or which give you satisfaction. Start small in cutting down the hours .

Tip 4- Focus on you and your efforts rather than the outcome
Linked to social media, we live in a highly competitive world today, whereby we want instant results. It’s great to set goals and to have ambitions but at the same time, it’s good to accept that things take time and it’s best to focus on being happy RIGHT NOW.
Learn to appreciate yourself more by giving praise for what you do on a daily basis and find the fun in as many things as possible.

Tip 5- Perfection doesn’t exist and so get rid of it
Perfection can be a killer; someone being perfect does not exist. Nobody in this world is perfect, even if you perceive them to be. I am talking about life and yourself, nothing is perfect. When I started to accept that things do go wrong and that I have my own faults, I felt a lot better about life. Having the expectation that nothing will go wrong, is not realistic and will only do more harm than good.

Summary
Keep applying things to yourself and your own life that make you feel happier. Easier said than done? Well yes…. Like anything but nothing will change unless you take action. Rather than just reading tips to be happy, you need to action steps on how to train your brain to be happy. Isn’t it worth spending time taking action to make yourself happy? Make habits for happiness.

Jonny Pardoe © May 2020
http://example.com
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Why do we compare ourselves to others?

Do you find yourself saying ‘I compare myself to everyone’?. It comes back to the brain. In its negative default, the brain is always looking out for dangers. The problem is that this negative default makes us constantly compare ourselves to others and therefore become less happy with our lives. We may feel that we have to compare ourselves to others to make sure that we fit into society to survive.

This is not just a challenge for women, but also a challenge for self esteem for men or for your own confidence.

As a result, our mission is to train the brain to be happy. As the cliched quote goes: ‘happiness comes from within’: this is very true. Therefore, make sure that you are looking inside yourself to find happiness, rather than looking to find it in others. This requires constant action but worth it.

Ok Jonny but how?… well, as usual, here are some personal strategies that I have used for this particular challenge to stop myself being compared to others.

1. Reduce social media hours

As mentioned at the start, social media is overloaded with information and people’s activities. Social media is the worst place to go if you want to stop comparing yourself to others. At the same time, it is great for networking, growing your own business (if you have one) or making contact with people. Looking at it too much is only going to cause negative feelings for us.

As it’s something to which we can become addicted, trying to cut it out completely is not going to work. Instead figure out the best times to avoid it and when you can use it. For me, I don’t go on social media until midday. This is because I need to complete my hardest tasks by midday and so I can’t afford to go on social media to distract me. I then stop looking at social media in the evening so that I can chill out and enjoy something relaxing, whether that’s watching Netflix, reading a book or playing my PS4.

2. Write down your achievements

Write these down no matter how small you think they are. They are what you’ve achieved and not what somebody else has done. Writing down what you’ve done, time and time again, teaches you about the great things that you’ve achieved. It then allows your thinking to focus on those great things about you. This, along with your other habits, will take time, but this is teaching you not to dismiss all the great things about you. You are enough. This helps your self worth.

3. Watch yourself on video each day

Does this sound a bit vain? Well I don’t care if this is the case if it gets results. The first time people look at themselves on camera or hear themselves speak, they can think ‘oh that’s horrible’, which is exactly what I’ve felt. When I do it consistently every day though, I learn to appreciate myself.
You don’t have to be an expert speaker or even a YouTuber. You can do this just for yourself. The beauty of doing this, is that you learn to be comfortable with yourself. You are no longer just looking at other people on video and thinking ‘oh I wish I was more like them’.

Summary

So, to stop comparing yourself to others, stop and think what is going to prevent you from comparing yourself to others. Again, as with anything, if you ask the right questions, you will get the right answers, and then take positive action. The above blog gives some practices that you can incorporate into your life in order to try and reduce how often you compare yourself to others and how to become your own hero. You may think of your own ideas, as you ask yourself what might help you to stop self-comparison. Like anything, it will take time and effort but isn’t it going to be worthwhile to feel great about yourself every day, rather than looking at what someone else does? It’s your choice.

The video can be found HERE

The podcast can be found HERE

Jonny Pardoe © May 2020

http://example.com

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Treat self esteem just like a muscle in the gym. You won’t improve it unless you work at it. You probably have heard the phrase ‘Don’t skip leg day’ in the gym. If you haven’t… what it means is that some guys will work purely on their upper body and not on their legs. The result? They come out with massive or muscular upper bodies but thin or ‘chicken’ legs. In particular, self esteem for men seems to be something a lot of us neglect (me included, in the past).

The same is true with self esteem.If you are not constantly working on it, then you will not increase it. Simple. Mine became so low at points that I became so fed up with it, that I decided to do something about it. I dived into book after book, course after course but where I started to reap rewards, was when I started applying consistent habits to my life. My self esteem is by no means perfect now but it is so much higher than it used to be and most of the time I feel great about myself. Of course, I will have knock backs from the inevitable challenges of life, but then I know the habits which will help me to get back on top.

What I am going to share with you today

• What is self esteem
• Simple ways to boost self esteem with some powerful habits

So what is self esteem?

I thought I would cover this as there are so many definitions out there: self esteem, confidence, worth, acceptance etc. You’ll find a whole range of results in different books and search engines. From personal experience and my best sources, these are my definitions:

Self confidence = how you feel about yourself in a given situation or skill

Self worth / acceptance = how you feel about yourself now in life

Self concept = the idea of what value you bring to life and what you are capable of

Self esteem = a combination of self worth/ acceptance and concept

Therefore, to increase self esteem, it’s important to have a great opinion of yourself but accept who you are now. Positive thinking alone will NOT work. If someone ever says ‘think positive’, to be totally honest, it’s not very good advice. You can’t think your way into better self esteem; you have to be applying regular actions that improve your self esteem. You need to apply the right habits.

Powerful habits to help build self esteem

These are things that I’ve researched and then applied to my own life. I do not talk about things unless I’ve actually tried them firsthand, as I’m not some robot computer quoting theories. I actually want to talk about real life experience.

Weekly goal planning

Setting goals helps you to connect to your own value. Setting goals helps you to understand what you want and to feel a sense of purpose. It’s important to be ambitious but also to set realistic goals, which can be broken down. A big challenging goal can be broken down further.

Now – it can be great for the self concept side to think ambitiously and to set big challenging goals, but if you aim too high and don’t reach them all the time, your self worth / acceptance will decrease. This was one of my biggest challenges with my self esteem. Therefore when challenges come, reevaluate the goals and break them down further. It’s important to review your goals and those tasks that support them, at least weekly, to check that you are on track.

I spend a couple of hours every Sunday morning doing this. There is plenty of guidance on goal setting available but the important thing to do is to set challenging goals which are then broken down so targets are achievable. That way you will get a boost in momentum as you go. If you don’t hit a goal (which has happened to me plenty of times in the past) don’t worry too much. Instead assess the challenge and go again.

Journaling the good and the bad

Understanding and fixing low self esteem starts with understanding what your good and bad habits are. These help to increase your self awareness. When you increase your self awareness you will be able to take actions that are better for you. Personally, this is something that I do every day.

For example: yesterday I felt great when I was fasting but I felt rubbish when I was scrolling on social media for too long in the evening.

Consciously writing it down will allow your mind to adjust your good and bad habits, but first of all, adopt this self awareness habit to acknowledge what makes you feel good or not so good. This is a great start to self improvement and self love.

Exercise

You’ve probably heard about the benefits of exercise, producing endorphins, chemicals which make you feel good. Yes… so this is the next habit to consider. Exercise is a great habit for you. It doesn’t mean that you have to run a marathon a day or exercise two hours a day. 20-30 minutes of exercise is sufficient. Ideally something that makes you break into a sweat. By exercising you are looking after your body, therefore giving a message that you are caring for and loving yourself. This is brilliant for self esteem.

Positive talk in the mirror

Have you experienced those horrible conversations in your head? ‘You’re rubbish’ ‘That was pathetic’ ‘Nobody likes you’ and much more. Well if you constantly speak to yourself like that, guess what? You probably won’t feel great about being you. It’s not enough to try and override it every time it comes up, though. You have to constantly speak to yourself in the right way; that way you train your brain to speak more positively to yourself. For this purpose, I speak to myself in the mirror for a minute, telling myself what I like about me. This can be hard at first but start by picking small things that you like about yourself or good things that you’ve done in the past, Then make this talk a habit.

Spending time alone in silence

This comes back to self awareness. This is about not running from your thoughts but allowing them to be there. When we are alone with our thoughts, it allows us to acknowledge them, understand them and therefore understand what might be needed.

I do this twice a day: one 30 minute run or walk and one 10 minute sitting alone with my thoughts. It is important to note though, that MUSIC OR PODCASTS ARE NOT ALLOWED.

Why? Well although these things can be great for us, and can be useful at other times in the day, for the purpose of this, those things will detract from allowing us space to be alone with our thoughts. Music or podcasts are distractions from our own thoughts. So therefore allow time with yourself with your own thoughts.

How to improve self esteem – Keep working on that self esteem muscle with habits

So the above are some very powerful habits to help work the self esteem muscle, which have worked for me. There are other habits to help overcome low self esteem available but give the above ones a try and see how you get on. They don’t have to be massive habits, some can just be short, practised for a few minutes a day but see what works for you. Give it some time. Journaling how you feel after trying things is a great way to pick up what works for you.

Self esteem is a muscle you just have to work on, even if it’s hard work at times. It’s a muscle not to neglect; why would you want to feel miserable about being you, when you are you? The choice to work on it or not, is yours.

You can find my video of this blog HERE

You can find my podcast of this blog HERE

One final note…

The six pillars of self esteem. Check out this video if you want to boost self esteem even more.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dhuabY4DmEo&t=4s

Photo by Daniel Apodaca on Unsplash

Jonny Pardoe © April 2020

http://example.com

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External validation is dangerous. External validation takes away control of your own life. I do not want this for you, and I don’t want this for me. It’s not saying everyone else is bad but rather it creates the reliance on something out of your control, to be happy. Why not take this control back?

My struggle with external validation

Now before I start, I’m going to be honest: I am no angel by any means. Of course, naturally, I will look at how many books I’ve sold, how many people like my social media posts or who is texting me this week. As someone who is a growing Coach, Author, YouTuber and Podcaster, of course I am going to do this. Yet I’ve learnt that it is better to use this as feedback for what is and isn’t working, rather than relying on it for my enjoyment and satisfaction out of life.

I used to be so reliant on results for dictating my life. My struggle in Amazon book sales when I first started publishing books, my likes on social media as an older teenager, my expectations of receiving text replies from a girl I was dating, all used to take a large amount of control over how I felt. It was ok when things were going well but when they weren’t, I felt awful and worthless.

So instead, over time, I decided that the only approval I needed was self-approval. I know I’m not the only man or person who struggles with external validation though, whether it’s ‘I need to find the romantic partner to like me’, ‘I need more likes’ or indeed any kind of validation at all.

External validation during coronavirus

You would think that the need for this might be reduced, as we are in our own homes. However, as we all know, technology and social media are all around us; after all, we most of us still have our phones and the internet in our homes. In fact, we are probably relying more on social media and technology now, as we can’t go out and physically interact with people as much. Although I would hope that you are not the type of person who spends much time on their phone when with others anyway…

So, here are my top three tips that have helped me to reduce external validation.

Top 3 external validation destroyers

Reduction in social media and/ or texts
Looking at your phone can play a major role in external validation. So stop…Simple!
…..Ok, or maybe not look at it as much. The problem is we become addicted to our phones, and research shows we get dopamine hits when we get likes or texts. Therefore, cut down rather than stop completely, as then we are more likely to maintain this reduction rather than give up completely.

Go for a walk without your phone or music. Just enjoy nature.
I’ve found this so relaxing. Sometimes I am so tuned into music, podcasts or checking my phone that I don’t focus on the present and what is around me. When I started to go for walks and runs without anything, I found it so relaxing. I am focused on being present, rather than thinking about everything and everybody else. Just a 20-30 min walk each day can do you the world of good.

Find something you genuinely enjoy
Not something that will make you look good to others. Something in which you can lose yourself. It may be something creative or it may not be. When I write a book, I fall into that world and forget about everything else around me. I don’t care about what others think or how good it will look. It doesn’t have to be something amazingly productive. It can be anything that you love such as reading a book, learning something new or even watching a film you enjoy.

Conclusion
External validation is something very common for us all. It becomes dangerous when we get too addicted to it though, as it’s something out of our control, dictating our happiness. Instead, bring the focus back to you. There are some simple quick tips to help you to do this: focus on feeling good and on being you.

Jonny Pardoe © April 2020
http://example.com
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I’m writing this in sunny Devon as I prepare for both my counselling and coaching sessions coming up this week. As always, I never talk about things that  I don’t do myself and so  the aim of this blog is to provide you with some insight into what both will give you and then to allow you to choose which may be best for you.

First of all… what’s your challenge and what change do you want to see happen? Think about that first of all. It may not be as simple or straightforward as you think and so spend some time thinking about and then writing that one down. Then from that and from my information on counselling and coaching, hopefully you will be clearer on which direction to take.

Counselling 

Both counselling and coaching are about self-awareness. Counselling, however, looks at the reasons why you are feeling like you do, behaving in the way that you do and the actions / habits you take. It will look at your past and see how that has influenced you. The counsellor is not there to tell you what to do, although they may provide advice or unbiased observations from time to time; instead, they are there to help you uncover more about yourself. They are a skilled professional who knows how to steer the conversation to help you uncover more about yourself than you may have realised. As I touched on in my previous blog, once you become more self-aware, you then have a stronger foundation from which to take action.

Coaching

This, on the other hand, helps you to understand what you want and how to get there. Coaching may briefly touch on what has happened to date but is more concerned with focusing on what needs to happen with you from now onwards. The coach will be an unbiased individual who is there to facilitate a conversation or a session, allowing you to uncover the answers for yourself. They are skilled individuals, asking questions and shaping the session to help you; they do not give advice but empower you to reach your goal. This goal is explored, options are generated and then simple action plans are considered before the end of the session.

My experience

Counselling has really helped me to understand my low self-esteem issues, which, I discovered, were caused by experiences in my early life. I felt the need to please people and could never see myself as good enough. I had ups and downs for years but when I often returned to a place of low self-esteem, I never knew why. I then realised it was time to start applying habits that could promote a good self-esteem, such as positive self-talk and looking after myself more.

Coaching helped me to have a proper understanding of what I wanted and why. A couple of years ago, I thought that I wanted to be just an author but now I write, I speak, I coach and much more. I have discovered how much I want to express myself and share with everyone else. My coach asked me questions to help me realise this. In addition, I have simple actions which I look forward to completing consistently on a regular basis.

I use both to compliment each other.

Interested in stepping up and finding the more amazing version of yourself through life coaching?

Sounds like something that would help you to move forward in life? Finding that one magical thing that makes you feel alive? I offer coaching. To find out more about this, have a look at my coaching page

https://http://example.com/conquer-your-life-with-coaching/

Or ping me an e-mail

coaching@http://example.com

Conclusion

Counselling and coaching both provide invaluable self-awareness benefits. It depends on what you are looking for and what you want for your well-being or your personal growth. It may be that both are useful, just as they are for me. Have a think about yourself after and then decide. If you want to discuss either further, you can also drop me a message using the e-mail above.

You can find this YouTube video HERE

You can find this Podcast HERE

Jonny Pardoe © April 2020

http://example.com

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Jonny Pardoe

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The post Counselling and Coaching appeared first on The Self Esteem and Confidence Mindset.

First, to just mention… you’ll notice this blog follows last week’s monthly blog for March. So soon! This is because I’ve now increased my blog posting content. Why… it’s because I realised that it’s something that people value and I enjoy doing it and so therefore it is something worth spending time on. I will now be delivering weekly blogs.

So welcome back to my blog… I’ve been cracking on with so much content recently and have been so absorbed in my own world that at times I’ve forgotten what’s going on around me. A great feeling! Although I still do find it vital to take 10 minutes out for myself to listen to what’s going on in my head: something that I’ll go into shortly.

By the end of the blog today, I want to cover three things…

● Why self-awareness is important
● How it’s helped me
● How to practice self-awareness through meditation

Why is self-awareness important?
When we become self-aware, we realise what is good for us and what is bad for us. It helps us to understand what has held us back and what might have worked. This is why regular self-reflection is so important. Of course, just realising what is good and bad for us alone will only go so far, before we actually have to take action. However, developing the foundation and understanding our feelings, behaviours and habits is going to help us to manage those realisations.
Then to be happy, to grow, to feel good about ourselves, we want to do the things that support us to move forward. These are all different from individual to individual, though and so something that makes me feel good, may not make you feel good.

How self-awareness has helped me
A couple of years ago up until several months ago, I swung between feeling up and down. I’ve mentioned this in previous content, but my point today is that I didn’t understand it and wasn’t aware of what was happening. I didn’t understand why, when I had great friends, a great family, a great job, was fit and healthy, playing for a great football team and experiencing lots of other positives, that I was feeling down. It was really a lack of self-awareness.

Luckily, through the personal growth world, I was constantly picking up and learning new things, one of which was self-awareness. I was able to learn and acquire some new practices. I came to the realisation that living in the future most of the time: the ‘when I’ve made it’ or ‘when I’m good enough’, was where I was living. I was practising habits such as looking at too much social media, having heavy nights out and constantly daydreaming.
When I came to practices such as meditation, improved diet, improved workouts and a focus on what I could do each day, the quality of my well-being and of being present, increased dramatically.
Now… I am still not 100% spot on with all my habits. I still have bad habits such as daydreaming or having the odd crazy night out but now, I can acknowledge when I am in a bad state, what has caused it and what I need to do to improve my state. I don’t beat myself up when I have reverted to a bad habit but instead, I just adjust my habits and actions.

How to practice self-awareness through meditation

This is a key exercise that I was given by my coach and mentor into self-awareness. So, here are the instructions

1. Find a quiet place and sit on the floor or chair upright.
2. Put a timer on for a minimum of 10 minutes and ask
a. What am I feeling and what caused this?
b. How do I want to feel? (The FEELING and not the outcome or result)
c. What does my instinct tell me and what am I in control of?
3. Do NOT be afraid to let you emotions out (this can provide some relief) and write down any findings

Sounds like a lot of work? Well maybe not now but maybe in time, you will find that it is. That’s ok and perfectly normal but when I’ve found myself saying this, then I ask:
“Well this is 10 minutes to make me feel better. Isn’t it worth investing this time to do so, rather than waste it on my phone or social media?”

Conclusion

Self awareness really is a priority in my life and I hope that you find this in yours too. This simple meditation practice can, over time, help you to open up your mind and understand yourself better. Then when you’ve understood what you need to do, make sure you TAKE action.

You can find the latest Podcast of this HERE

You can find the latest YouTube video of this HERE

Jonny Pardoe © March 2020
http://example.com
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Then it made me think about the challenges I’ve faced and how easy they look now—and how much they’ve made me grow.

You can’t avoid setbacks or mistakes

Setbacks in life; can we avoid them? Mistakes – can we avoid these? Will life flow smoothly all the time? Nope to all of these.

We can, however, reduce the number of likely setbacks and mistakes in life, and when I say that, it does sound appealing to do this …

The way to do this is to never push yourself towards your goals, never come out of your comfort zone, never grow—and stay still. Obviously, that kind of life is never going to change us.

When we do push for greater things, the number of setbacks and mistakes will increase, so this can be seen as a starter for greatness. It’s all about perspective.

Whether I’ve got promoted, got a better job, started my writing, started speaking, started my coaching career, been out dating I have always found that more setbacks came as I pushed myself toward new things and goals. Yet when I’ve overcome those setbacks, I’ve found that I’ve grown so much more and things that seemed so daunting once are not so daunting anymore.

Now, there will be some setbacks worse than others, and like any human, I’ve experienced this. I would like to emphasise that I am not saying ‘get over it’ and on to the next challenge.

What I’ve learned from setbacks

So, I’ve thought about all the positives and summarised what I’ve learned from setbacks into my top three things:

Path to something better

When something hasn’t worked out, it can sometimes be for the best. So, whether that is missing out on the job you thought you ’needed’ or dating the person you thought you ‘wanted’, the same applies.

I believe now that if it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be. A setback sometimes is teaching you that it’s not the right thing for you. Use your judgement, though, as to whether something is not right for you or something you really want and need to pursue.

For example, if you get rejected by a date, it’s better to try find someone else. Pursuing someone who doesn’t have the same interest in you is pointless and a waste of energy. This gives you an opportunity to work on yourself and find someone more suited.

If you miss out on a job, that one may have not been right for you either. However, you might love the career you are following, so don’t give up on it; it’s just a chance to work on yourself and when the right opportunity presents itself, you can go for it.

More about myself

When I’ve had setbacks, it’s helped me learn more about myself. It’s helped me learn how strong I am and what I’ve really wanted. It’s helped me learn about the skills I do have.

For example, when I went through a number of job interview rejections, it taught me how to really utilise some of my presentation skills I wouldn’t otherwise have realised I had. I learned how to present myself along the way and express myself.

How to turn a negative into positive action

I’ve learned how to change a negative into a positive. I learned that although getting out the frustration and disappointment is needed in the short term; it does not help to dwell on it and fall victim to my own life.

Therefore, by getting my brain to focus on next steps, it has helped me think more positively and action-focused going forward. This is a key skill for life as we don’t improve by what we think—but rather, by what actions we take.

Ok, Jonny – all well and good, but you’re quite a positive person. Some of us aren’t as positive, so how do we change this and react more positively to setbacks?

I am not just a naturally positive person; that’s the truth. I have had to work hard at improving my mindset to turn things around. That is probably the case for many people you see around you, the ones who always seem to have a smile on their faces no matter what.

You have no idea how hard these people have worked to become more positive and more proactive about improving their mindsets.

The reality is, I work on my own positive actions every single day! It’s a practice and habit. It’s like anything else.

We don’t get into good shape without doing exercise and eating well. We don’t become a good singer, without singing. We don’t become confident, without doing confident things.

WE DON’T BECOME POSITIVE WITHOUT DOING POSITIVE REGULARLY.

You think it’s impossible to ‘do positive’ while feeling bad? Not so. This is something you can learn too.

I know that not everything is going to be smooth in life, and I won’t be in a good state all the time. I do also know that if I don’t set myself up with the right habits and practises for positivity, I will struggle even more against setbacks.

That is why I do things like meditation, exercise, eat well, socialise, and many other things to help me be in a better positive state. Anyone can do this though; we don’t have to be helpless and say, ‘oh I’m just not a very positive person’ or ‘why do bad things always happen to me?’

Believe me, if you think bad things are going to happen to you all the time, they will—because your mindset makes you very vulnerable.

Now, as I say, some setbacks I encounter are certainly harder than others, and some people will have way harder setbacks than I do. Note that I don’t claim to have ownership of anyone else’s setbacks—only my own. But I do have ownership of knowing yours don’t have to beat you down.

How do I know this?

Well, that’s simple. I’ve seen myriad examples of people out there who have had horrible setbacks and come out on top with their response. Two examples:

Keanu Reeves – just Google his history to see what he’s overcome to be the man he is today.

J.K Rowling – this top-selling global author was rejected by so many publishers, alongside a series of personal setbacks, before she became one of the most successful authors in the world. This is the lady who sat in coffee shops unable to afford a coffee, as she struggled to pen her manuscript!

How can you change around setbacks into a better life?

Here are just some of the positive, ‘take action’ steps YOU too can take—starting right now—to be the more positive person you wish to be.

Allow frustration or disappointment

Some things are going to take more time to get over. Don’t ever bottle anything up though; talk it out, scream into a pillow, do some intense exercise—and anything else that’s healthy, all in reason of course.

Ask what you have learned from this

Did this life lesson teach you more about what you want? Did it teach you more about you as a person? Note the good points and developments you’ve learned from a setback.

Ask what you can do next time

When we ask the brain a question, it will look for an answer. Once you’ve had time to get over something, ask yourself what you can do next. What actions can you apply to progress with your life? Take some of the learning into account too.

Look at what you do have and be grateful

Gratitude is something everyone overlooks, me included. When you take time to appreciate what you do have, though, it helps you feel better.

So, spend time writing down all the things you do have rather than those you don’t. It trains the brain to focus on the positives rather than looking for dangers or the negatives, which is its default mode.

I spend a few minutes in the mornings, journaling my gratitude, for example.

Conclusion

Setbacks and challenges in life are inevitable, but respond to them with positive actions, and you are going to learn and grow.

This will just happen by default, too! That’s the really great news.

Go swimming every day, and you’ll become a better swimmer. Make more cookies, and the cookies will come out better. Respond positively to setbacks, and you will grow. It will have happened before you know it.

There will be times where setbacks and challenges are extremely hard, and it is ok to feel down or to feel frustrated. It’s natural, a part of ‘the human condition’.

The issue only becomes when you see yourself as a victim of life rather than learning from it, to become the stronger and greater version of you, the one you are capable of being.

Jonny Pardoe © February 2020

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The post How to Overcome it—to Grow in Your Life appeared first on The Self Esteem and Confidence Mindset.

It’s weird to say that but I hope you all feel refreshed and ready for the year. I would say ‘ready to face your new goals’ but hopefully, you continually set goals for yourself, not just for January or the New Year.

As for me, I am very excited that my new book will be coming out at the end of this week: You Are More Than That will be available on Amazon from Sunday 26^th January. It’s a book on discovering your true purpose and living it, with five steps I outline, plus ideas, experiences and actions to help you live your most fulfilling life.

I’ve also recently been undergoing a challenge recently that’s called IronMind, a 60-day challenge created by Rob Dial, whereby each day you must do six things:

• Journal
• Visualise
• Exercise
• Follow a meal plan of choice
• Avoid alcohol

AND….

• Take a cold shower.

The cold shower was a challenge at first, but now I’ve come to realise how crucial and beneficial it is. So, this is what I wanted to share today.

Why would you take a cold shower, Jonny? That’s crazy!

Well that’s me. J I’ve also come to love and appreciate all the weirdness and craziness about myself. If that’s you too, learn to appreciate those things about you.

Anyway, back to cold showers…

It was hard work, yes, but I built it up and now it’s a regular habit. There is plenty in life where ‘we don’t want to do that’, yet these things provide us with certain benefits.

There’s the little voice in your head, saying, ‘don’t do it’ or ‘you don’t really need to do that’, but coming out of my comfort zone and taking on the cold shower challenge has helped me so much.

The survival instinct part of the brain, remember, is always trying to keep you in your comfort zone too—not necessarily looking for new experiences or habits that might benefit you. I’ve backed up the cold shower rationale with my own experiences and other research-experienced benefits.

My benefits of enjoying an exciting cold shower:

It quashes that little voice trying to stay in a safe place

You know, the voice that comes in when you try something challenging, such as asking your boss a difficult question, trying an extreme sport or activity, asking that person out or standing up and speaking in public.

I’ve found having a cold shower increases my willingness to step outside my comfort zone and embark on something challenging.

Energy!

Coffee in the morning? Naaah, just have a cold shower! Or both! The cold shower really gives me a kick though, and then doesn’t drop my energy levels afterward in the way coffee does.

I can feel half asleep in a warm shower, but the cold one really gets me going ready for the day.

Relaxed and focused

I have found that once I’ve done my cold shower, my body actually feels quite relaxed. I then find that in the relaxed state, I’m more ready to move on to the next morning activity, whether that’s writing or speaking. I become more focused as a result.

Get the day going with a sense of achievement

Standing in the cold shower for two minutes is certainly a challenge. When I’ve completed this, I feel fantastic, ready to take on more for the day.

I try and praise myself for every small win and this certainly is one.

Embrace pressure and stress

Day-to-day life will be filled with challenges, stress and pressure. Standing in a cold shower fills your body with an external stimulus that exerts pressure on you (like what will happen in life).

By learning to accept the cold shower and not fight it, I’ve found I’m much more resilient to day-to-day challenges being thrown at me. It’s not about fighting them but surrendering to them and going with them.

Boost your immune system

Research has shown that exposure to blasts of cold can stimulate a sluggish immune system and give a kickstart to lymphatic drainage, essential for fighting infection and staving off auto-immune diseases such as rheumatoid arthritis and inflammatory issues.

While I certainly don’t recommend it when you’re in the middle of a flare-up of an auto-immune disease, practising cold showers at other times should help you stave off all manner of immunity-based ailments.

Don’t just take my word for it!

Now, research is always finding pros and cons to things like this, and that is why I shared the benefits in the section before.

A number of credible sources I researched online and in books all backed up why a cold shower is good.

Of course, if you want to read up more, good old Dr Google will have more than enough articles, but I found the following resources particularly helpful:

Medical Daily, Runners World, Menprovement, Higher Status by Jason Capital. You will also find a lot of information about Wim Hof who combines cold showering with his famous breathing techniques. Check out YouTube for video materials about Wim.

This is a summary of the benefits of cold showers, extracted from all these sources:

• Energy to start the day
• Relieve muscle soreness by reducing lactic acid
• Stronger mentality to face daily challenges / help emotional resilience to prepare the brain for stress
• Lower depression by stimulating the release of noradrenaline
• Increase fat loss, by using fat to keep warm
• Increase blood circulation to the organs to stay warm
• Improve skin and hair by reducing the body’s natural oil loss
• Increase in testosterone
• Drain the lymphatic system of cellular waste to improve the immune system
• Promote better quality of sleep and relaxation.

Some tips for getting used to cold showers

Well, this seems like a big challenge, so how do I go about doing this?

Like anything new, don’t go in too big or else it may be counterproductive, potentially leading you to give up. It’s best to start small and then build up to longer times.

I’m on two minutes at the moment, which I find highly beneficial—but I had to build up to that.

Building up like this can help:

• 30 seconds
• 1 minute
• 90 seconds
• 2 minutes.

Or even break it down further to:

• 15 seconds
• 30 seconds
• 45 seconds.

Go at your own pace, I did a few days of 30 seconds before a few days of a minute and then built up incrementally to two minutes.

Another key tip is not to fight the cold but to embrace and accept it. Learn that you are in a cold shower. If you struggle with this, try and say, ‘I accept and embrace this cold shower’ rather than fighting it.

Finally, make it into a habit and reward yourself for doing it. You might give yourself a couple of squares of dark chocolate—high cocoa content of 70% or so is actually quite healthy—for completing it each day. This is rewarding your brain for doing something good and it will learn that message. Plus, quality dark chocolate also has immunity benefits!

You can do longer than 2 minutes if you want, but I find 2 minutes beneficial enough for me. I would suggest though that anything under a minute is not going to give you enough benefit, although of course build up at the start.

Conclusion

Are cold showers nice or luxurious when you’re in one? No! But they’re like many challenging things in life; they can give you such a boost and benefit when you make it into a regular habit.

I’ve felt such a boost in the morning, becoming more resilient to mental challenges and more focused.

Since a plethora of research supports the benefits of cold showers, you can feel well supported when indulging in this practice.

It’s not to say you can’t ever have a luxury hot shower or warm bath again, but a morning cold shower can really help you set your day up right.

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Jonny Pardoe © January 2020

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Diet – physical health and mental health

If you gave a top athlete a training regime but a poorly planned nutritional program, would they perform as well as an athlete on a good diet? Hopefully you answered no to that question. The athlete could train for their sport, but the exercise would only take them so far. Now actually there is a debate about the right kind of diet to enable athletes to reach peak performance and I’d highly recommend watching Game Changers on Netflix for more information about this.

It’s actually the same for mental focus or for emotional health. Think about yourself or about someone who has had too much sugar. Were they able to sit down and concentrate? Were they able to perform to the best of their ability?

Think about a time when you perhaps ate some fast food or an unhealthy meal. Were you feeling as good about yourself? Did you feel switched on? Then compare with eating something like a salad.

There are two points I am going to explore about the impact of diet on mental health:

1. Deficiencies
2. Sensitivities

I am not going to go into too much detail about the biochemistry of this, but I’m going to talk about some of the key points of both. You can have all the right psychology in place (meditations, affirmations, visualisation) but if you don’t eat enough of the right things or eat the wrong things then you are always limiting yourself. In particular I have learnt so much about this from Ben Angel’s book and course ‘Unstoppable’.

Deficiencies

When I talk about deficiencies, I am talking about the body not getting enough of a certain source. This can have an impact on physical activity but also on your mental health. I follow a vegan diet, which has many benefits, but, however, not eating meat and dairy (which does me good), means that I have to make sure the good vitamins and nutrients which are in these sources, come from elsewhere in my diet.

Some of the key things that you must be sure to have enough of, are: Vitamin B, Vitamin D, Serotonin, Dopamine and Magnesium. These all play different roles in the body for physical and mental health but neglecting one or more of these sources can lead to issues such as depression, anxiety, stress, fatigue as well as a range of other physical symptoms.

So, what are good food sources for these? I have stated some options below:

• Vitamin B – meats, fish, legumes, leafy greens, eggs, soya milk
• Vitamin D – fatty fish, some meats, supplements
• Serotonin – spinach, seeds, salmon, Tofu, pineapple
• Dopamine – meat, eggs, dairy, soy and legumes
• Magnesium – leafy vegetables, whole grains, nuts, beans
• Zinc – tofu, spinach, yoghurt, nuts, eggs

These are not the only sources but just to name a few.

Sensitivities

It’s impossible to tell what you, as the reader, are sensitive to; unfortunately, it’s quite difficult for a person to understand what they may be sensitive to, in terms of food and drink sources. The main point with sensitivities is that some things can trigger off negative emotions, such as anxiety, depression or stress.

I used to know a guy in a previous job who had 6-7 coffees a day, was calm and could sleep well at night. I know people who can have a high caffeine tea just before bed and sleep well. If I have more than one coffee a day or anything past midday, I experience some bad emotions and often struggle to sleep! So again, we are all different. In fact even after one coffee a day I can feel on edge, so I’m on another habit challenge to give up coffee at the moment.

There are certain sources that can cause brain fog (where we can’t think as clearly) or mean that we can’t stay calm. These will vary from person to person, but some sensitivities may include:

• Caffeine
• Coffee
• Alcohol
• Chocolate / sugar
• Gluten

Sadly, it may mean for some people who find that they are sensitive to certain foods or drink, that they need to give them up or find an alternative. This may be hard, but the benefit is better mental health.

My findings

So, by noting what I am eating, how I feel after eating foods and taking some blood tests, I have begun to form an understanding of what may affect me. I wanted to share some of these with you:

• High sugar – when I eat non 85% dark chocolate with a high sugar content, I am much more likely to feel anxious, negative and worried about things.
• Low vitamin D – when I was feeling down, I found that my Vitamin D was not as high as it could be. Probably from a lack of sun in the country but also my vegan diet was deficient in it.
• Caffeine – as mentioned. When I have more than one intake of caffeine, I can get brain fog and become more anxious or stressed.
• Alcohol – unfortunately the uni student in me never really left, I love a good social event with a few drinks. When I’ve had a drink too many, however, despite the excitement and thrill of the night out, the next day I struggle physically, I can’t concentrate on anything and also, emotionally, I experience my worst feelings. Sometimes the anxiety and depression are so great that takes me a couple of days to recover fully before I revert to the best version of myself again.
• Magnesium – when I take this before bed, I am able to fall into deeper dreams and sleep as a result.

What should you do if you’re worried?

So, if you are not feeling your best, despite trying psychological methods, I would recommend the following:

• Speak to a nutritional therapist or GP about experiences and your diet.
• Take blood tests to check your levels of intake. Thrivia is a company in the UK that I highly recommend, with easy to do tests where you take blood samples, they process them and then send back the results on your possible deficiencies.
• Food sensitivity tests can be helpful too. These can look at what may be triggering certain emotions.

Of course, the above are going to cost a bit of money. The nutritional therapist may be a good starting point though, as they will give you a recommendation of what tests / actions you may want to take before you start dishing out on loads more.

A great cheap option is to journal, how you feel after certain foods and then proceed by trial and error.

For example, ‘I felt a bit uneasy after that cup of coffee this morning, I wonder what I will feel like if I do without it?’ Then not having it for a few days, journal how you feel.

(Note: If it was several cups of coffee a day, I would not recommend going cold turkey completely but cut down gradually).

Conclusion

Our diet not only plays an important role in our physical health but can also play a significant role in our mental health too. It may be a case of having deficiency in certain sources but also sensitivities to some foods/drink. Sensitivities can be difficult to pinpoint but by journaling, through trial and error and potential tests, you can increase your awareness of what may or may not be suitable to eat/drink.

Do enjoy your Christmas holidays, but just be conscious that if something can cause you bad emotions, maybe cut down or avoid it. I look forward to creating more blogs and content for 2020.

Photo by Gladys Aguayo on Unsplash

Jonny Pardoe © December 2019

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The post December 2019: Mental Health and Diet (A Christmas Eve Treat) appeared first on The Self Esteem and Confidence Mindset.

I’m openly willing to admit that I’ve been suffering from anxiety again, and some panic attacks, which have caused me headaches and pure exhaustion at times. I’ve increased my self-awareness so much this year to identify certain things that cause these.

Bad things will happen to all of us but one key thing I have learnt is to do things that make you feel good and avoid things that make you feel bad. Sounds so easy… Well, as you probably know, it’s not, when you have habits or addictions to things. This could be in the form of eating bad sugary foods or aimlessly looking at negative social media feed.

I was struggling on what subject to write about the other day, but then it hit me; what I am trying to achieve is feeling good at the moment. For example, I went to see a Nutritional Therapist last night to see if I could improve my diet to feel better, which identified some gaps. I want to feel good now, not wait for something to happen to make me feel good. So therefore, I have written about this subject today.

Why focusing on feeling good is the priority

I’ve become quite into the spiritual side of things in the last year, and love to read / watch information from Gabby Bernstein. I think spirituality may be a future blog topic! I was praying for getting a sign to make me feel better again, then Gabby Bernstein’s video on Facebook appeared: ‘If you’re misaligned, watch this’.

The focus was on trying to feel good rather than forcing an outcome. Gabby openly talked about her challenges and how when she let go of it, that was what she wanted came to her. This video was clearly a sign that I should be focusing on feeling good.

When you feel good, things flow a lot easier, rather than waiting miserably for something to happen. When you feel good, you are also more productive, and ideas come to you more easily. Think about a time when you were enjoying yourself or relaxed and then a great idea—without effort—came into your head!

A final point is that when you feel good, you have positive energy. You are able to attract good things better and block out more negativity (whether internally or externally). I’m not sure there is any human on earth who doesn’t authentically want to be happy, but often we just wait for it to come, which is what I’d been doing for so long.

Why the outcome or expectation can be damaging

The outcome or expectation of something is outside of your control. What is in your control is your action and your efforts to achieving something. So, focusing on expecting something to happen can be damaging, whether that’s the job you ‘expect’ to get, the award you ‘expect’ to win or the romantic relationship with someone you ‘expect’ to form. If it goes your way, it can be a great feeling, but soon you’ll want more and more. If it doesn’t go your way, you’ll feel down as you attach yourself to the outcome too much.

Nothing is guaranteed that is outside of your control. Forcing things to happen only drains your energy more and more, rather than increasing through prioritising your own well-being.

Why goal setting is important still

I wanted to emphasise that setting goals for what you want to achieve and always expecting an outcome are two different things. Setting goals (when done with effort and thought) really helps you to identify what it is you actually want. This can help lift your energy and sense of purpose, excite you, drive you, and give you joy.

Chances are, though, you won’t achieve all your goals, whether short, medium or long-term. Goals are there to give you direction and when you don’t achieve them, you can start again. Goals may also change as you grow and discover new things too, which is perfectly fine. It’s important as I’ve stated, to enjoy the journey of the goals and doing what you do in the moment, rather than focusing too much on achieving them as the point for feeling good.

How to focus on feeling good

But how do I feel good, Jonny? you may ask.

Well it’s really about discovering what it is you love to do and achieving the right balance in your life between work, fun, health, socialising, relationships and other areas.

I’ve provided some ideas below, though:

• Make a list of things you genuinely enjoy and make time for them.
• Keep your mind focused on the present (meditation is fantastic for this, ideally 10-20 minutes a day).
• Talk to people about what is troubling you. I’ve found this hard myself, and generally as men, we don’t do this as well. You can talk to family, friends, a free support organisation (such as Samaritans) or even a professional if affordable.
• Journal your thoughts. When you write down your thoughts, it can help so much just to be expressing them rather than building them up and can help with enhanced thought clarity.
• Treat your mind and body with respect. When you eat or drink badly, you are never going to be able to function properly; therefore, look at the right foods and drinks. There are plenty of sources on the Internet to get ideas if you can’t afford a nutritionist or personal trainer. There are also some foods that we may be sensitive too physically, mentally and emotionally, we are all different. So it can be worth doing a food sensitivity test.
• Be very clear on what you want and why. Following a path that you think you ‘should do’ rather than what you want can be extremely damaging. Therefore, make sure you find time to discover what you really do want. I actually invested in a life coach to help me with this, and that’s when I discovered my passion for speaking and coaching alongside writing.

In summary

Make feeling good the priority. When you feel good, life flows so much easier and the right things come into your life. Making feeling good into regular habits is vital, and don’t just try and feel good once but make it a constant practice. There will be setbacks in life, I’m afraid, but you will be so much stronger to face them when you focus on feeling good and the positives in your life.

Don’t chase or wait for happiness but make an effort to feel good now!

Photo by Todd Trapani on Unsplash

Jonny Pardoe

Jonny Pardoe © November 2019

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