I’m writing this in sunny Devon as I prepare for both my counselling and coaching sessions coming up this week. As always, I never talk about things that  I don’t do myself and so  the aim of this blog is to provide you with some insight into what both will give you and then to allow you to choose which may be best for you.

First of all… what’s your challenge and what change do you want to see happen? Think about that first of all. It may not be as simple or straightforward as you think and so spend some time thinking about and then writing that one down. Then from that and from my information on counselling and coaching, hopefully you will be clearer on which direction to take.

Counselling 

Both counselling and coaching are about self-awareness. Counselling, however, looks at the reasons why you are feeling like you do, behaving in the way that you do and the actions / habits you take. It will look at your past and see how that has influenced you. The counsellor is not there to tell you what to do, although they may provide advice or unbiased observations from time to time; instead, they are there to help you uncover more about yourself. They are a skilled professional who knows how to steer the conversation to help you uncover more about yourself than you may have realised. As I touched on in my previous blog, once you become more self-aware, you then have a stronger foundation from which to take action.

Coaching

This, on the other hand, helps you to understand what you want and how to get there. Coaching may briefly touch on what has happened to date but is more concerned with focusing on what needs to happen with you from now onwards. The coach will be an unbiased individual who is there to facilitate a conversation or a session, allowing you to uncover the answers for yourself. They are skilled individuals, asking questions and shaping the session to help you; they do not give advice but empower you to reach your goal. This goal is explored, options are generated and then simple action plans are considered before the end of the session.

My experience

Counselling has really helped me to understand my low self-esteem issues, which, I discovered, were caused by experiences in my early life. I felt the need to please people and could never see myself as good enough. I had ups and downs for years but when I often returned to a place of low self-esteem, I never knew why. I then realised it was time to start applying habits that could promote a good self-esteem, such as positive self-talk and looking after myself more.

Coaching helped me to have a proper understanding of what I wanted and why. A couple of years ago, I thought that I wanted to be just an author but now I write, I speak, I coach and much more. I have discovered how much I want to express myself and share with everyone else. My coach asked me questions to help me realise this. In addition, I have simple actions which I look forward to completing consistently on a regular basis.

I use both to compliment each other.

Interested in stepping up and finding the more amazing version of yourself through life coaching?

Sounds like something that would help you to move forward in life? Finding that one magical thing that makes you feel alive? I offer coaching. To find out more about this, have a look at my coaching page

https://http://example.com/conquer-your-life-with-coaching/

Or ping me an e-mail

coaching@http://example.com

Conclusion

Counselling and coaching both provide invaluable self-awareness benefits. It depends on what you are looking for and what you want for your well-being or your personal growth. It may be that both are useful, just as they are for me. Have a think about yourself after and then decide. If you want to discuss either further, you can also drop me a message using the e-mail above.

You can find this YouTube video HERE

You can find this Podcast HERE

Jonny Pardoe © April 2020

http://example.com

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First, to just mention… you’ll notice this blog follows last week’s monthly blog for March. So soon! This is because I’ve now increased my blog posting content. Why… it’s because I realised that it’s something that people value and I enjoy doing it and so therefore it is something worth spending time on. I will now be delivering weekly blogs.

So welcome back to my blog… I’ve been cracking on with so much content recently and have been so absorbed in my own world that at times I’ve forgotten what’s going on around me. A great feeling! Although I still do find it vital to take 10 minutes out for myself to listen to what’s going on in my head: something that I’ll go into shortly.

By the end of the blog today, I want to cover three things…

● Why self-awareness is important
● How it’s helped me
● How to practice self-awareness through meditation

Why is self-awareness important?
When we become self-aware, we realise what is good for us and what is bad for us. It helps us to understand what has held us back and what might have worked. This is why regular self-reflection is so important. Of course, just realising what is good and bad for us alone will only go so far, before we actually have to take action. However, developing the foundation and understanding our feelings, behaviours and habits is going to help us to manage those realisations.
Then to be happy, to grow, to feel good about ourselves, we want to do the things that support us to move forward. These are all different from individual to individual, though and so something that makes me feel good, may not make you feel good.

How self-awareness has helped me
A couple of years ago up until several months ago, I swung between feeling up and down. I’ve mentioned this in previous content, but my point today is that I didn’t understand it and wasn’t aware of what was happening. I didn’t understand why, when I had great friends, a great family, a great job, was fit and healthy, playing for a great football team and experiencing lots of other positives, that I was feeling down. It was really a lack of self-awareness.

Luckily, through the personal growth world, I was constantly picking up and learning new things, one of which was self-awareness. I was able to learn and acquire some new practices. I came to the realisation that living in the future most of the time: the ‘when I’ve made it’ or ‘when I’m good enough’, was where I was living. I was practising habits such as looking at too much social media, having heavy nights out and constantly daydreaming.
When I came to practices such as meditation, improved diet, improved workouts and a focus on what I could do each day, the quality of my well-being and of being present, increased dramatically.
Now… I am still not 100% spot on with all my habits. I still have bad habits such as daydreaming or having the odd crazy night out but now, I can acknowledge when I am in a bad state, what has caused it and what I need to do to improve my state. I don’t beat myself up when I have reverted to a bad habit but instead, I just adjust my habits and actions.

How to practice self-awareness through meditation

This is a key exercise that I was given by my coach and mentor into self-awareness. So, here are the instructions

1. Find a quiet place and sit on the floor or chair upright.
2. Put a timer on for a minimum of 10 minutes and ask
a. What am I feeling and what caused this?
b. How do I want to feel? (The FEELING and not the outcome or result)
c. What does my instinct tell me and what am I in control of?
3. Do NOT be afraid to let you emotions out (this can provide some relief) and write down any findings

Sounds like a lot of work? Well maybe not now but maybe in time, you will find that it is. That’s ok and perfectly normal but when I’ve found myself saying this, then I ask:
“Well this is 10 minutes to make me feel better. Isn’t it worth investing this time to do so, rather than waste it on my phone or social media?”

Conclusion

Self awareness really is a priority in my life and I hope that you find this in yours too. This simple meditation practice can, over time, help you to open up your mind and understand yourself better. Then when you’ve understood what you need to do, make sure you TAKE action.

You can find the latest Podcast of this HERE

You can find the latest YouTube video of this HERE

Jonny Pardoe © March 2020
http://example.com
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Then it made me think about the challenges I’ve faced and how easy they look now—and how much they’ve made me grow.

You can’t avoid setbacks or mistakes

Setbacks in life; can we avoid them? Mistakes – can we avoid these? Will life flow smoothly all the time? Nope to all of these.

We can, however, reduce the number of likely setbacks and mistakes in life, and when I say that, it does sound appealing to do this …

The way to do this is to never push yourself towards your goals, never come out of your comfort zone, never grow—and stay still. Obviously, that kind of life is never going to change us.

When we do push for greater things, the number of setbacks and mistakes will increase, so this can be seen as a starter for greatness. It’s all about perspective.

Whether I’ve got promoted, got a better job, started my writing, started speaking, started my coaching career, been out dating I have always found that more setbacks came as I pushed myself toward new things and goals. Yet when I’ve overcome those setbacks, I’ve found that I’ve grown so much more and things that seemed so daunting once are not so daunting anymore.

Now, there will be some setbacks worse than others, and like any human, I’ve experienced this. I would like to emphasise that I am not saying ‘get over it’ and on to the next challenge.

What I’ve learned from setbacks

So, I’ve thought about all the positives and summarised what I’ve learned from setbacks into my top three things:

Path to something better

When something hasn’t worked out, it can sometimes be for the best. So, whether that is missing out on the job you thought you ’needed’ or dating the person you thought you ‘wanted’, the same applies.

I believe now that if it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be. A setback sometimes is teaching you that it’s not the right thing for you. Use your judgement, though, as to whether something is not right for you or something you really want and need to pursue.

For example, if you get rejected by a date, it’s better to try find someone else. Pursuing someone who doesn’t have the same interest in you is pointless and a waste of energy. This gives you an opportunity to work on yourself and find someone more suited.

If you miss out on a job, that one may have not been right for you either. However, you might love the career you are following, so don’t give up on it; it’s just a chance to work on yourself and when the right opportunity presents itself, you can go for it.

More about myself

When I’ve had setbacks, it’s helped me learn more about myself. It’s helped me learn how strong I am and what I’ve really wanted. It’s helped me learn about the skills I do have.

For example, when I went through a number of job interview rejections, it taught me how to really utilise some of my presentation skills I wouldn’t otherwise have realised I had. I learned how to present myself along the way and express myself.

How to turn a negative into positive action

I’ve learned how to change a negative into a positive. I learned that although getting out the frustration and disappointment is needed in the short term; it does not help to dwell on it and fall victim to my own life.

Therefore, by getting my brain to focus on next steps, it has helped me think more positively and action-focused going forward. This is a key skill for life as we don’t improve by what we think—but rather, by what actions we take.

Ok, Jonny – all well and good, but you’re quite a positive person. Some of us aren’t as positive, so how do we change this and react more positively to setbacks?

I am not just a naturally positive person; that’s the truth. I have had to work hard at improving my mindset to turn things around. That is probably the case for many people you see around you, the ones who always seem to have a smile on their faces no matter what.

You have no idea how hard these people have worked to become more positive and more proactive about improving their mindsets.

The reality is, I work on my own positive actions every single day! It’s a practice and habit. It’s like anything else.

We don’t get into good shape without doing exercise and eating well. We don’t become a good singer, without singing. We don’t become confident, without doing confident things.

WE DON’T BECOME POSITIVE WITHOUT DOING POSITIVE REGULARLY.

You think it’s impossible to ‘do positive’ while feeling bad? Not so. This is something you can learn too.

I know that not everything is going to be smooth in life, and I won’t be in a good state all the time. I do also know that if I don’t set myself up with the right habits and practises for positivity, I will struggle even more against setbacks.

That is why I do things like meditation, exercise, eat well, socialise, and many other things to help me be in a better positive state. Anyone can do this though; we don’t have to be helpless and say, ‘oh I’m just not a very positive person’ or ‘why do bad things always happen to me?’

Believe me, if you think bad things are going to happen to you all the time, they will—because your mindset makes you very vulnerable.

Now, as I say, some setbacks I encounter are certainly harder than others, and some people will have way harder setbacks than I do. Note that I don’t claim to have ownership of anyone else’s setbacks—only my own. But I do have ownership of knowing yours don’t have to beat you down.

How do I know this?

Well, that’s simple. I’ve seen myriad examples of people out there who have had horrible setbacks and come out on top with their response. Two examples:

Keanu Reeves – just Google his history to see what he’s overcome to be the man he is today.

J.K Rowling – this top-selling global author was rejected by so many publishers, alongside a series of personal setbacks, before she became one of the most successful authors in the world. This is the lady who sat in coffee shops unable to afford a coffee, as she struggled to pen her manuscript!

How can you change around setbacks into a better life?

Here are just some of the positive, ‘take action’ steps YOU too can take—starting right now—to be the more positive person you wish to be.

Allow frustration or disappointment

Some things are going to take more time to get over. Don’t ever bottle anything up though; talk it out, scream into a pillow, do some intense exercise—and anything else that’s healthy, all in reason of course.

Ask what you have learned from this

Did this life lesson teach you more about what you want? Did it teach you more about you as a person? Note the good points and developments you’ve learned from a setback.

Ask what you can do next time

When we ask the brain a question, it will look for an answer. Once you’ve had time to get over something, ask yourself what you can do next. What actions can you apply to progress with your life? Take some of the learning into account too.

Look at what you do have and be grateful

Gratitude is something everyone overlooks, me included. When you take time to appreciate what you do have, though, it helps you feel better.

So, spend time writing down all the things you do have rather than those you don’t. It trains the brain to focus on the positives rather than looking for dangers or the negatives, which is its default mode.

I spend a few minutes in the mornings, journaling my gratitude, for example.

Conclusion

Setbacks and challenges in life are inevitable, but respond to them with positive actions, and you are going to learn and grow.

This will just happen by default, too! That’s the really great news.

Go swimming every day, and you’ll become a better swimmer. Make more cookies, and the cookies will come out better. Respond positively to setbacks, and you will grow. It will have happened before you know it.

There will be times where setbacks and challenges are extremely hard, and it is ok to feel down or to feel frustrated. It’s natural, a part of ‘the human condition’.

The issue only becomes when you see yourself as a victim of life rather than learning from it, to become the stronger and greater version of you, the one you are capable of being.

Jonny Pardoe © February 2020

http://example.com

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Diet – physical health and mental health

If you gave a top athlete a training regime but a poorly planned nutritional program, would they perform as well as an athlete on a good diet? Hopefully you answered no to that question. The athlete could train for their sport, but the exercise would only take them so far. Now actually there is a debate about the right kind of diet to enable athletes to reach peak performance and I’d highly recommend watching Game Changers on Netflix for more information about this.

It’s actually the same for mental focus or for emotional health. Think about yourself or about someone who has had too much sugar. Were they able to sit down and concentrate? Were they able to perform to the best of their ability?

Think about a time when you perhaps ate some fast food or an unhealthy meal. Were you feeling as good about yourself? Did you feel switched on? Then compare with eating something like a salad.

There are two points I am going to explore about the impact of diet on mental health:

1. Deficiencies
2. Sensitivities

I am not going to go into too much detail about the biochemistry of this, but I’m going to talk about some of the key points of both. You can have all the right psychology in place (meditations, affirmations, visualisation) but if you don’t eat enough of the right things or eat the wrong things then you are always limiting yourself. In particular I have learnt so much about this from Ben Angel’s book and course ‘Unstoppable’.

Deficiencies

When I talk about deficiencies, I am talking about the body not getting enough of a certain source. This can have an impact on physical activity but also on your mental health. I follow a vegan diet, which has many benefits, but, however, not eating meat and dairy (which does me good), means that I have to make sure the good vitamins and nutrients which are in these sources, come from elsewhere in my diet.

Some of the key things that you must be sure to have enough of, are: Vitamin B, Vitamin D, Serotonin, Dopamine and Magnesium. These all play different roles in the body for physical and mental health but neglecting one or more of these sources can lead to issues such as depression, anxiety, stress, fatigue as well as a range of other physical symptoms.

So, what are good food sources for these? I have stated some options below:

• Vitamin B – meats, fish, legumes, leafy greens, eggs, soya milk
• Vitamin D – fatty fish, some meats, supplements
• Serotonin – spinach, seeds, salmon, Tofu, pineapple
• Dopamine – meat, eggs, dairy, soy and legumes
• Magnesium – leafy vegetables, whole grains, nuts, beans
• Zinc – tofu, spinach, yoghurt, nuts, eggs

These are not the only sources but just to name a few.

Sensitivities

It’s impossible to tell what you, as the reader, are sensitive to; unfortunately, it’s quite difficult for a person to understand what they may be sensitive to, in terms of food and drink sources. The main point with sensitivities is that some things can trigger off negative emotions, such as anxiety, depression or stress.

I used to know a guy in a previous job who had 6-7 coffees a day, was calm and could sleep well at night. I know people who can have a high caffeine tea just before bed and sleep well. If I have more than one coffee a day or anything past midday, I experience some bad emotions and often struggle to sleep! So again, we are all different. In fact even after one coffee a day I can feel on edge, so I’m on another habit challenge to give up coffee at the moment.

There are certain sources that can cause brain fog (where we can’t think as clearly) or mean that we can’t stay calm. These will vary from person to person, but some sensitivities may include:

• Caffeine
• Coffee
• Alcohol
• Chocolate / sugar
• Gluten

Sadly, it may mean for some people who find that they are sensitive to certain foods or drink, that they need to give them up or find an alternative. This may be hard, but the benefit is better mental health.

My findings

So, by noting what I am eating, how I feel after eating foods and taking some blood tests, I have begun to form an understanding of what may affect me. I wanted to share some of these with you:

• High sugar – when I eat non 85% dark chocolate with a high sugar content, I am much more likely to feel anxious, negative and worried about things.
• Low vitamin D – when I was feeling down, I found that my Vitamin D was not as high as it could be. Probably from a lack of sun in the country but also my vegan diet was deficient in it.
• Caffeine – as mentioned. When I have more than one intake of caffeine, I can get brain fog and become more anxious or stressed.
• Alcohol – unfortunately the uni student in me never really left, I love a good social event with a few drinks. When I’ve had a drink too many, however, despite the excitement and thrill of the night out, the next day I struggle physically, I can’t concentrate on anything and also, emotionally, I experience my worst feelings. Sometimes the anxiety and depression are so great that takes me a couple of days to recover fully before I revert to the best version of myself again.
• Magnesium – when I take this before bed, I am able to fall into deeper dreams and sleep as a result.

What should you do if you’re worried?

So, if you are not feeling your best, despite trying psychological methods, I would recommend the following:

• Speak to a nutritional therapist or GP about experiences and your diet.
• Take blood tests to check your levels of intake. Thrivia is a company in the UK that I highly recommend, with easy to do tests where you take blood samples, they process them and then send back the results on your possible deficiencies.
• Food sensitivity tests can be helpful too. These can look at what may be triggering certain emotions.

Of course, the above are going to cost a bit of money. The nutritional therapist may be a good starting point though, as they will give you a recommendation of what tests / actions you may want to take before you start dishing out on loads more.

A great cheap option is to journal, how you feel after certain foods and then proceed by trial and error.

For example, ‘I felt a bit uneasy after that cup of coffee this morning, I wonder what I will feel like if I do without it?’ Then not having it for a few days, journal how you feel.

(Note: If it was several cups of coffee a day, I would not recommend going cold turkey completely but cut down gradually).

Conclusion

Our diet not only plays an important role in our physical health but can also play a significant role in our mental health too. It may be a case of having deficiency in certain sources but also sensitivities to some foods/drink. Sensitivities can be difficult to pinpoint but by journaling, through trial and error and potential tests, you can increase your awareness of what may or may not be suitable to eat/drink.

Do enjoy your Christmas holidays, but just be conscious that if something can cause you bad emotions, maybe cut down or avoid it. I look forward to creating more blogs and content for 2020.

Photo by Gladys Aguayo on Unsplash

Jonny Pardoe © December 2019

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I’m openly willing to admit that I’ve been suffering from anxiety again, and some panic attacks, which have caused me headaches and pure exhaustion at times. I’ve increased my self-awareness so much this year to identify certain things that cause these.

Bad things will happen to all of us but one key thing I have learnt is to do things that make you feel good and avoid things that make you feel bad. Sounds so easy… Well, as you probably know, it’s not, when you have habits or addictions to things. This could be in the form of eating bad sugary foods or aimlessly looking at negative social media feed.

I was struggling on what subject to write about the other day, but then it hit me; what I am trying to achieve is feeling good at the moment. For example, I went to see a Nutritional Therapist last night to see if I could improve my diet to feel better, which identified some gaps. I want to feel good now, not wait for something to happen to make me feel good. So therefore, I have written about this subject today.

Why focusing on feeling good is the priority

I’ve become quite into the spiritual side of things in the last year, and love to read / watch information from Gabby Bernstein. I think spirituality may be a future blog topic! I was praying for getting a sign to make me feel better again, then Gabby Bernstein’s video on Facebook appeared: ‘If you’re misaligned, watch this’.

The focus was on trying to feel good rather than forcing an outcome. Gabby openly talked about her challenges and how when she let go of it, that was what she wanted came to her. This video was clearly a sign that I should be focusing on feeling good.

When you feel good, things flow a lot easier, rather than waiting miserably for something to happen. When you feel good, you are also more productive, and ideas come to you more easily. Think about a time when you were enjoying yourself or relaxed and then a great idea—without effort—came into your head!

A final point is that when you feel good, you have positive energy. You are able to attract good things better and block out more negativity (whether internally or externally). I’m not sure there is any human on earth who doesn’t authentically want to be happy, but often we just wait for it to come, which is what I’d been doing for so long.

Why the outcome or expectation can be damaging

The outcome or expectation of something is outside of your control. What is in your control is your action and your efforts to achieving something. So, focusing on expecting something to happen can be damaging, whether that’s the job you ‘expect’ to get, the award you ‘expect’ to win or the romantic relationship with someone you ‘expect’ to form. If it goes your way, it can be a great feeling, but soon you’ll want more and more. If it doesn’t go your way, you’ll feel down as you attach yourself to the outcome too much.

Nothing is guaranteed that is outside of your control. Forcing things to happen only drains your energy more and more, rather than increasing through prioritising your own well-being.

Why goal setting is important still

I wanted to emphasise that setting goals for what you want to achieve and always expecting an outcome are two different things. Setting goals (when done with effort and thought) really helps you to identify what it is you actually want. This can help lift your energy and sense of purpose, excite you, drive you, and give you joy.

Chances are, though, you won’t achieve all your goals, whether short, medium or long-term. Goals are there to give you direction and when you don’t achieve them, you can start again. Goals may also change as you grow and discover new things too, which is perfectly fine. It’s important as I’ve stated, to enjoy the journey of the goals and doing what you do in the moment, rather than focusing too much on achieving them as the point for feeling good.

How to focus on feeling good

But how do I feel good, Jonny? you may ask.

Well it’s really about discovering what it is you love to do and achieving the right balance in your life between work, fun, health, socialising, relationships and other areas.

I’ve provided some ideas below, though:

• Make a list of things you genuinely enjoy and make time for them.
• Keep your mind focused on the present (meditation is fantastic for this, ideally 10-20 minutes a day).
• Talk to people about what is troubling you. I’ve found this hard myself, and generally as men, we don’t do this as well. You can talk to family, friends, a free support organisation (such as Samaritans) or even a professional if affordable.
• Journal your thoughts. When you write down your thoughts, it can help so much just to be expressing them rather than building them up and can help with enhanced thought clarity.
• Treat your mind and body with respect. When you eat or drink badly, you are never going to be able to function properly; therefore, look at the right foods and drinks. There are plenty of sources on the Internet to get ideas if you can’t afford a nutritionist or personal trainer. There are also some foods that we may be sensitive too physically, mentally and emotionally, we are all different. So it can be worth doing a food sensitivity test.
• Be very clear on what you want and why. Following a path that you think you ‘should do’ rather than what you want can be extremely damaging. Therefore, make sure you find time to discover what you really do want. I actually invested in a life coach to help me with this, and that’s when I discovered my passion for speaking and coaching alongside writing.

In summary

Make feeling good the priority. When you feel good, life flows so much easier and the right things come into your life. Making feeling good into regular habits is vital, and don’t just try and feel good once but make it a constant practice. There will be setbacks in life, I’m afraid, but you will be so much stronger to face them when you focus on feeling good and the positives in your life.

Don’t chase or wait for happiness but make an effort to feel good now!

Photo by Todd Trapani on Unsplash

Jonny Pardoe

Jonny Pardoe © November 2019

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http://example.com

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The post November 2019: Focus On Feeling Good Not The Outcome appeared first on The Self Esteem and Confidence Mindset.

I’ve managed to get on top of my fitness, made progress with some more YouTube videos, started coaching individuals—and even delivered my first speech at Toastmasters. J

However, I am going somewhere with this… What I am getting at is that none of this progress would have been possible without taking action.

So, taking action is today’s focus! If there’s one key lesson I’ve picked up in the last year—amongst many—it’s that I am responsible for my own actions, no matter if I am in a bad state or not. The action I take will determine my outcomes.

Today, I discuss action with learning, action with fear / confidence and action with feeling happy. Taking action is key to personal growth and improving mental health.

Action and learning

A few weeks back, I produced a YouTube video on the subject of knowledge and application, and this is the message I am going to emphasise here.

You can pick up all the books, courses, YouTube videos, Podcasts etc., that you like, but if you don’t actually apply that knowledge, then nothing will change. Sitting in front of your screen watching endless YouTube ‘how to’ videos may be inspiring—but you really do have to get up off the couch and do something with the information! (Or, sit on the couch and do something productive online—but you get my drift).

At first, when starting out, you are more than likely going to need these kinds of resources, and you really do need to get all the resources you can, but there is a point when you need to take action. When taking action, I’ve found that is when the true learning actually begins. But this is where people get stuck.

The sad reality is, however, that making things happen doesn’t occur magically, just because you watched some videos. It won’t come by telepathy.

I can use an example from my own life. In starting a YouTube channel, it wasn’t until a conversation with my coach and mentor that I realised I was holding back and needed to start. I was constantly having the conversation with myself that I needed to watch more speakers or learn more before I set up my channel. There was always some reason to procrastinate on the action.

When I came to making my first videos, I didn’t like the videos much but as I made more and more and attended groups such as Toastmasters, I became a lot better. That was when I started learning about my style and how to adjust. The improvements would not have been made unless I actually started.

It’s easy for you to think you need more information before taking action. I never stop learning—as we are all learning—but I make sure I actually take action to make a difference to my life. Even though, sometimes, taking action involves stepping out of the comfort zone or facing fear, which brings us to the next section:

Action and fear / confidence

Have you seen a highly confident person perform a speech or stroll into the workplace and thought, wow, they have all the confidence in the world and no fear? Well, you’re wrong. They are—or would have been—afraid, but they have faced the fear and taken action on it.

There are many ways to try and handle fears, such as visualisation, meditation and in extreme phobia cases, the likes of therapy.

Although these can be effective ways to face fear and increase confidence a bit, and in extreme cases are often needed, the only way you truly can become more confident is by actually taking action and doing the things you fear so you get more accustomed to them.

Now, sometimes, to get confidence in an area or to face a large fear, it can be simply too great a jump for an individual. In these instances, it can be beneficial to break the challenge down even further, into smaller steps.

I will use an example from my life again. When I first started working in the public sector, I was terrified to even say my name in a room full of senior managers. I wanted to become more confident in situations like this, though. So, I broke it down to address these action points:

• Speak in an apprentice and graduates-only group
• Give a small update in my smaller team meeting
• Chair a smaller team meeting
• Give a simple update in a meeting with senior managers
• Provide verbal reports in meetings with senior managers and directors.

Some of the above, I would attempt a couple or a few times before moving to the next stage, but I grew my confidence. By taking actions, though, I have massively developed my confidence in speaking. In my current organisation, I can give company updates, chair the key meetings as well as giving speeches to Toastmasters and doing weekly YouTube videos.

Action and being happy

As probably most, if not all of you will realise, there is no smooth path through life. There will be challenges and setbacks. The choice you do have is how you respond to setbacks and challenges like this. What action you take when things go badly, or when unfortunate circumstances happen, is crucial.

Just to point out, when something extremely bad happens such as a family member’s or a friend’s death, or a tough relationship break-up, these things will take time to grieve over and you wouldn’t have been best placed in missing that grieving time out. Nobody is saying you have to be on top of your game the whole time.

However, there are some bad things where there comes a point to learn from the experience and take action for the rest of your life.

To be happy, you have to do happy. When you take positive action, you won’t always get positive results, but you will eventually. However, lying constantly in self-pity or performing actions such as constantly eating too much junk food, drinking too much or generally not taking care of yourself will be unlikely to provide a positive outcome. There are plenty of examples of famous people who had a horrible start or terrible moments in their lives, but they continued to take action and became the people they are today.

I find it vital for me to take action on myself to look after my mental health. I want to be happy, and know I have to take action to do this. I am in a state whereby I can’t ever give up on myself. Why would I? I am going to be me for the rest of my life, so why not try and take action to make my life as good as it could possibly be?

So, going back to my set-back from the summer, I asked myself what action could I take? It wasn’t an easy time, but I started to increase my meditation, I made sure I ate foods that didn’t deprive my energy or sugar levels—as these would exacerbate my anxiety—and made sure I kept up social activities.

I kept taking action even when I didn’t feel like it.

Then I found progress in my life again. Things started to work out better, even though not straight away. I do believe life will improve, and things will be delivered to you, but you have to take constant positive action even when it’s hard.

Personal growth for me is something that is a must and I love growing myself, even in hard times.

In summary

You can try and reframe your thoughts. You can take on all the learning you want—but if you don’t back all this up with the right actions, nothing will change. Is taking action easy? No, not always. In which case, it can be highly beneficial to break the action down into smaller, simpler chunks. Getting results from action can take time, but by applying no action, nothing will change.

Jonny Pardoe

Photo by Cade Prior on Unsplash

Jonny Pardoe © October 2019

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I have talked about morning routine in a previous blog but this one is really an update on the more beneficial routines I have picked up. In fact, I have been combining top tips from two of the amazing books that I’ve read recently: ‘The Miracle Morning’ by Hal Elrod and ‘Unstoppable’ by Ben Angel, into my morning routine. I have also included various of Shannon Kaiser’s tools into my morning routine.

So today I am going to discuss why a morning routine is so beneficial, what the ‘Miracle Morning’ book mentioned and what my particular morning routine includes.

Why an early morning routine?

Having a good morning routine as opposed to rushing into the day, really helps me to take a positive step into the day. It helps me toto energise and to focus on some important tasks before I begin the rest of the day. I want to get the most productivity and enjoyment out of each day, and this really starts with a good morning routine.

Some benefits include:

• Less distractions e.g e-mails, texts or social media.
• Tackling the most important things first
• Good momentum of productivity to carry through the day
• Taking early positive action

Note a couple of other things to bear in mind: levels of sleep and turning the phone off. If you get up early to perform an early morning routine make sure you get enough sleep the night before or else, you will not mentally or physically get the benefits. The amount of sleep we need is different per person and lifestyle but personally, I have found that I need somewhere between 7 – 8 hours.

Also, I tend to keep my phone notifications switched off and won’t look at messages or social media until midday. This allows less distractions. If someone wanted to contact me, they would just phone me or otherwise I can contact them later in the day.

My routine inspired by the Miracle Morning

As mentioned, my ‘Miracle Morning’ routine is inspired by Hal Elrod, but I include tips from Ben Angel’s book ‘Unstoppable’ in my routine.

The idea behind the Miracle Morning is to tackle different needs and bring energy into your body before you take on your goals. He uses an acronym called SAVERS in his book, to go through these. These are:

Silence – the act of gratitude or meditation.

Affirmation – positive sayings that you can repeat to prime your mindset.

Visualisation – able to visualise your goals, day/ week / month / future ahead.

Exercise – getting a physical workout into your day, whether light or more intense.

Reading – reading and learning something to begin your day.

Scribing – sitting down and writing something, such as journaling.

The idea is that you can do this routine anywhere and for anytime between six minutes and an hour. Depending how much time you want to allocate to each area, it could be six minute each or ten minutes or something in between.  Also, you don’t have to do it in the order above.

I have outlined my chosen order below and how it benefits me:

Scribing (5 minutes)

I find writing my thoughts down straightaway in my journal, helps me to gain clarity on my day. I look at what my goals are, what I am grateful for and pick a mantra from Shannon Kaiser’s book: ‘Find your happy daily mantras’.

It helps to clarify my thoughts in what is a busy mind.

Affirmations (10 minutes)

I then listen to some affirmations that I have recorded myself saying. These include:

‘I am not perfect, but I love and accept who I am’

‘I am balanced when I take care of myself’

These are affirmations that particularly help me in trying to overcome over- perfectionism and in looking after myself better. You can find any affirmations that can help you, though. This process lasts roughly three minutes on repeat, and I make sure that I say the quotes out loud.

The second part of my affirmation routine is to listen to a pre recorded Shannon Kaiser meditation / affirmation, which help to reduce any fears and worries for the day. This lasts roughly seven minutes.

The affirmation process helps my brain to focus on the positives and get that correct mind-set for the day.

Visualisation (5 minutes)

I then look at my whiteboard on which I have written my dream goals. My big dreams. Note, I aim to be happy in the present, but these are the big dreams. I do not base my happiness on achieving these but base my happiness on enjoying where I am now and on the journey towards achieving my ambitions and dreams.

Allowing myself to look at my dream goals and the reasoning behind them, helps me to clarify exactly why I am carrying out certain tasks or goals throughout the day. It brings me an excitement of my aspirations and why I do what I do in life.

For example:

Writing – To be a top 100 best-selling Amazon author. Why: I love creating content for a story with a theme and a message to share with people, from which they will hopefully benefit.

Exercise (10 minutes)

Mine is more on the lighter side in the morning as I do my workouts at lunchtime or play football at weekends. I do a bit of stretching, as my muscles are quite tight anyway and I like to loosen up in order to be more relaxed for the day ahead.

Reading (5 minutes)

Instead of reading from a particular book (which I tend to do on my commute to my job), I review the top ten key points which I have recorded from each of my favourite personal development books. This gives me a constant reminder of those. These are subject to change but currently my notes are from the books:

‘Power of now’, ‘The self-love experiment’ and ‘High Status’.

Allowing myself time to read in the morning gives me a sense of achievement and a sense of growth that I am learning to apply to my life. When I feel that I am growing, I feel happy.

Silence (meditation) (20 minutes)

This is my longest and perhaps most significant part of my routine. I listen to two lots of ten-minute meditations:

1. Using my Muse 2 Device, I practise my breathing inhalations and exhalations. By monitoring my brain activity, this device can then give me feedback on how I got on. Getting your breathing right is essential as it helps you to remain calm and enables your mind to be more focused. This is an expensive device but worth the investment. It helps you to understand when you are more focused in meditations than other times.
2. Ben Angel’s meditation ‘Focused and Fired Up’. This is a guided visualisation helping you to picture an upcoming challenge or fear. It then helps to bring feelings from positive experiences in order to reduce your fear and to prepare and fire you up for the forthcoming day. This really helps me identify my exact feelings and to make them more positive.

There are so many options for meditation these days, but I feel the above work for me. I also use ‘Muse’ to meditate in the afternoon and before bed.

Goals

When my hour or so of my ‘Miracle morning’ routine has been completed, I spend time on my main goal or goals for the day. If it’s a week day, before I go to work, I tend to spend about an hour on them, but at the weekend, I spend perhaps two – three hours on my goals. I work on goals in my lunchtime and in the afternoon, but these are ones which are less mentally draining. So, something like a big word count for my book would be done straight after my miracle morning routine, whilst doing a bit of speaking practice or checking e-mails would be done later in the day.  At the weekend, particularly in the afternoon and evening, I try to make sure that I don’t overdo this process, so that I am able to relax and to socialise.

In summary

When I follow a morning routine, it really benefits me for the rest of the day. I would highly recommend that you do so and make time for it. The ‘Miracle Morning’ is an amazing book, enabling you to create a positive routine before tackling your daily goals and giving you a good start to the day. I have outlined my routine to guide you but obviously, tailor it to your needs. Bigger and trickier goals are easier to tackle earlier in the day therefore giving you a greater chance of achieving them.

Jonny Pardoe

Jonny Pardoe © August 2019

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The post August 2019: Why Have a Good Morning Routine? appeared first on The Self Esteem and Confidence Mindset.

This blog is much later in the month than I had planned, mainly due to my recent holiday in Greece. There, I visited the islands of Mykonos, Paros, Ios and Santorini: amazingly beautiful islands that I would highly recommend.

Whilst there, I took part in a range of activities such as sight-seeing, kayaking, sampling the local night life, sunbathing and much more. For me it was a challenge to keep to a vegan diet, and in a lot of instances, I had to opt for vegetarian meals instead.

I spent quite a lot of time reading, either by the pool or by the sea, something I love doing. I could see many people pursuing a variety of activities too and clearly enjoying themselves, which brings me onto today’s topic: being happy is not a one size fits all approach.

Today I am going to talk about how happiness affects us all in different ways, in the goals that we have and in the ways in which we choose to enjoy ourselves and to relax. Then I will suggest how we should not necessarily follow what others think we should do to be happy.

Different people find happiness in different ways

Do we all want to be lawyers? No.

Do we all want to be builders? No.

Do we all want to be professional athletes? No.

You can probably get my drift from this…

If you asked a bunch of young kids what they want to be when they are older, you would probably get a dozen different answers. They would all have different ambitions. Everyone is different (although obviously some may want to work in similar areas).

It is vital to find what is important to you and what makes YOU happy. Unfortunately, as we get older, a common tendency is to slip into some ‘safe’ career path that we think may be good for us as it’s a safer option. What may have been once was our dream, may no longer be realistic. What makes you happy though, is not going to be the necessarily easy or safe route, but it may be the right one for you.

The ‘what you want’ and ‘why you want it’, should be personal to you. Not because it’s what we think would look good in front of others, not because a friend or family member has that job and not because it might make you ‘rich and famous’. What you want should be personal to you, and for your own happiness.

For instance, in my case, I like to write, not because there could be potential money involved (there are plenty of careers for that) but because I love to express myself through fiction or non-fiction and share what I feel with others. This makes me happy. This is different from other people whom I know, such as those who are teachers and who genuinely love to help young individuals to develop (or various other reasons for teaching).

Think about the underlying reason you want to do something and why it makes you happy before you start pursuing it. If you are doing something and realise it’s not what makes you happy, stop and think why. You can always change. Do it for you.

Different people relax in different ways

Going back to my introduction about being on holiday, different people find different ways to enjoy themselves or to relax. For example, different people like different types of holiday. Some people may just like to lie on the beach, some may like sight- seeing, some like hiking, some may like to party all day long, and some may like to do a mixture of the above or other activities. We are all different.

This does not just apply to going on holiday but perhaps to weekends or weekday evenings too (or to your free time depending when you work). Take my favourite for example, which is to go out on a Saturday night and socialise, whereas some people may prefer to chill in front of the TV, read a book, go out for a meal or something else. Once more, there is no one size fits all. You should not worry if what someone else likes doing on a Saturday night, doesn’t feel right for you; we are all different. Yes, if you are in a relationship or good mates with someone, you may have to make some compromise, but when you can, do what feels good for you.

My form of relaxation, for example, may feel like ‘work’ for some. I’m not generally good at sitting around watching TV; instead I like to read personal development books, go for long walks or do a bit of cardio exercise. I have mates who are the opposite to this and who like to lounge in front of the X-Box or TV; this suits them and keeps them happy.

Don’t be trapped by following what other people think ‘should’ make you happy or what is expected by society of you

I’ve touched on this a little so far but now I am going to talk about other views which may impact on your happiness, or may make you think certain things are expected of you. As I say, what makes people happy differs from person to person, but often in a busy and opinionated world of social media, we let other views impact on what we think is best for us, rather than finding out what is genuinely best for us.

An example of this is the ‘when are you going to get married and or have kids question’. For some people settling down with a family earlier in life is what they want, and that’s fantastic. I am pleased for them. Yet for other people, they may not want to get married or have kids until they are a bit older or perhaps not at all. All are different wants and all individual to the particular person. Yet some people feel pressure put on them for things they don’t want.

Another example is ‘you should pursue a career path in that, it may suit you’. Again, if that is something you want, then brilliant but if it’s not, don’t feel the pressure to go after something that you don’t really want. I remember for myself that someone said I would make a good teacher; although I liked working with young individuals, I didn’t want to go down that path. My drive for creating content and messages to share with people on a wider scale rather than teaching a syllabus, did not fit into that particular career.

You should genuinely ask yourself what you want and aim for that. Don’t let someone else tell you what to do or what not to do. Listening to yourself and caring for yourself are two of the strongest forms of self-love and as a result, happiness.

You may change what you like or what makes you happy

The final area to discuss is what once made you happy may no longer make you happy. Think back to when you were five years old, then as a young teenager and finally to the present day (depending on your age), did you always want the same things? You may answer ‘yes’ to some things but there’s a high chance that in many areas, you may say ‘no’.

This is because our wants, change as we grow older. Even what we wanted a year ago, a few months ago or even a month ago, can differ from what we want in life now.

I’ll use myself as an example:

• When I was a five-year-old kid, I loved writing scripts for imaginary films, video games and stories
• When I was a teenager, I wanted to be a footballer
• Then in my late teens / early twenties I didn’t know, I just embraced life as I went through uni and into my first job
• Then in my mid-twenties, I started to discover my passion for writing

The point is that you shouldn’t worry if what you want, changes, this is perfectly natural. It just comes down to the question ‘what do you want and why?’, then ‘what are the next steps or what can I do to follow that?”

In summary

Being happy in what you want out of life, is not a one size fits all approach. Everyone’s purpose and goals are different, and so don’t think that you should go down a certain path or do something that is ‘expected of you’. Understand what you want to do in life and why. Similarly, in enjoying yourself and relaxing, do what is personal to you; you may not be one for lying around on a sunbed or going on a bar crawl like others do.

The final point is that what you may once have enjoyed, may not suit you anymore. We change as we grow, and this is inevitable. If you are following a path or pursuing activities that you once enjoyed but no longer do so, this will not be beneficial to you. Find something that truly makes you happy and that is personal to you.

Jonny Pardoe

Jonny Pardoe © July 2019

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The question could have been:

‘What can I do first of all, to make sure that I’m as productive as possible, now that I’m up early?’, to which the answer may have been something like ‘Meditation’ or ‘Grab a healthy breakfast’.

You see, the way we form our questions, is the same way in which we form our answers; as a result, such answers give us a direction in life and so, it all starts with the questions. In today’s blog, I talk about why questions are important, why they can help us understand ourselves, why they give us positive or negative direction, and how they can be put into practice.

Why we need to ask more questions

Our questions are the beginning as they give us the answers. Have you ever found yourself in such an auto- pilot mode that you just go through the motions on a daily basis, without any real thought? Yet when you actually did something, you realised that the end result was not actually the most productive thing you could have achieved? Or, in fact, was it quite a waste of time.

I’ve been in that situation and I know so many other people who have too. It’s so easy to do this though, when we lead such busy lives, but if we stop for a moment to ask why we do things, this forms new ideas in our heads and leads to new actions. Asking new questions can lead to creative, innovative new ideas. Examples include:

‘What if we tried this today?’ or ‘Why are we doing this again?’. These kinds of questions can bring about the significant changes that we may want to see in our lives. Of course, no change will happen without action, but it begins with the question.

There are different types of questions, however. Firstly, there are the questions we ask ourselves and then secondly the questions we ask others. The questions we ask ourselves can change our direction and our quality of life. The questions we ask others can not only have an impact in a group dynamic but also cause a significant change in an individual’s life, following on from a simple question they may not have asked themselves.

Why questions help us understand ourselves better

Questions can help us understand ourselves more, as when we analyse ourselves asking the question, we will then get our answer.

Alternatively, we may ask ourselves why we want to work towards a particular goal. Asking ourselves what we really want, may be a difficult question to answer at first, but once the brain has asked that question it will really search hard for the answer.

Why questions can lead to a more positive or negative approach to life

The types of questions asked can either be positive or negative. The way the question is asked, will have an impact on the answer. For example, if something bad or even life- changing happens to an individual, they may ask themselves ‘Why has this happened to me? Why is life so cruel?’ or ‘Ok, this is a big setback in life, but how can I move on and make the most out of life?’.

These are two very different questions. Can you guess which one is more likely to provide a more positive answer or quality of life? There are people in the world who have suffered real tragedy but yet manage to continue in a positive frame of mind; of course, it will take them some time to recover, but what helps them move on, are the positive questions which they ask.

On the other hand, we all know of negative people. Can you think of the type of questions that they may frequently ask? Examples would be:

‘What’s the point?’ or ‘Why am I stuck working here?’. These types of questions will only come up with negative answers.

How other questions can be put into practice

So, like anything, good use of positive questions takes some practice. There are several tips which I have outlined below:

Ask yourself why you are doing something on a daily basis:

Go through your day and consider carefully the purpose of your actions and why you are doing them; you may be more surprised than you think about some of the answers.

Ask people questions on a regular basis:

Remember the little child who always asks ‘Why, why, why?’… well, as an adult, it’s good to do that more often. but not to a point where you are damaging relationships or thoroughly annoying people; but to just ask questions of people in an appropriate manner, can really bring you and them clarity. Practise not just reacting to a life led in the fast lane but find time to ask the odd question in order to slow things down and to understand what is going on.

Ask yourself questions when writing your daily goals:

If you don’t write down your goals or tasks for the day, then I would suggest starting this, as it provides clarity for your day. When you write down your plans for the day, though, ask yourself why you want to achieve these things, then write that down too, for added clarity.

Ask yourself questions when reviewing your week:

It’s good practice to review your week at the end of the week. This can be in the form of a journal or by just reviewing the week’s events with a friend, or perhaps you could even record a voice journal. Whatever format you choose, it’s always good to ask yourself what went well and why? Also, ask yourself what could have been better and how you can improve in the future?

In summary

Questions help us and others to provide more clarity in our lives. Such questions can be asked to ourselves and to others. Questions are particularly useful in enabling us to understand ourselves and our daily lives better and to help us understand what we really want in life. The quality of our questions also determines our direction in life; positive questions will lead to a positive answer whilst negative questions will lead to a negative answer. We can add questioning into our everyday lives and try to ask questions constantly.

Jonny Pardoe

Jonny Pardoe © June 2019

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Meditation: This is the ability to pause and observe the present moment and what is happening in you. This does not mean fighting off other thoughts but acknowledging them and seeing what is happening with your mind and body at that moment. This could take the form of breathing, scanning your body or simply observing things around you on a walk.

For meditation, this could mean a short practice beginning with a few minutes a day. maybe a couple of times per day. Personally, I find it works best when I do short spells of meditation, two or three times a day. It may seem like a difficult habit to develop at first but once you do regularly you will definitely see psychological and life benefits.

Gratitude: This is appreciating what you have, rather than what you don’t have. It can be really useful in preventing you from falling into the trap of always chasing something you don’t have yet, which inevitably will lead to more unhappiness. There is always something you can be grateful for, whether it’s the ability to walk, the ability to see, your family, your friends or a warm home. When we focus on what we have, rather than what we don’t, it increases positive feelings and therefore a better well-being.

Both of these areas really only take five minutes at a time: a small portion of anyone’s day. However, practising these areas regularly and fitting them into your routine, is vital. There is always time for the most important things and one of the, if not THE most important thing in life is to be happy.

Jonny Pardoe

Jonny Pardoe © January 2019

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