The Hardest Thing I’ve Ever Done

Today I wanted to share the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I give myself a lot of credit. I’ve taken a LOT of courageous action in my life. I’ve overcome the fear of public speaking, of speaking to people, I’ve walked on fire, I’ve abseiled off high buildings and even jumped out at a plane at 15,000 feet. I sometimes forget to celebrate this and intend to do it more often.

   The most courageous thing I’ve ever done though…. Is to sit with myself in silence and feel into what needs to be felt emotionally for the mind, soul and heart. My mind of course will try and get out of it by saying things like ‘I don’t have time to do this today’ or ‘what’s the point of this???’

   Yet what I’ve come to terms with is that it’s a defense mechanism from running away from some truly challenging emotions. I’ve been sitting in silence (with no phone) for 20-30 minutes a day every day with the intention of connecting to my heart to guide me. Some truly challenging unprocessed things can come up though which need to be felt and witnessed. 

   What I can go into in these sessions is very difficult to describe. It can cause my body to shake and to get very uncomfortable. Yet when I do this I find I am able to navigate a lot more to my heart than be trapped in a mind trying to control everything.

  When I went on my plant medicine retreat at the end of 2023 I experienced a world in which I felt trapped and it was everything I had pressed away the terror, trauma, wounds, sadness, grief and things that I’m sure did not come from my life but from many years ago ancestral trauma it felt like.

   The thing that rescued me was my heart. It taught me that no matter how challenging emotions can get I can always get back to. Day to day there are of course things that will get me into a state in the mind trying to control or avoid. Yet I find I can be my true self and essence and leader when I connect to my heart.

   If I live in a rush 100 miles per hour all the time, yes maybe I can shift things forward, the chance of connecting to my heart is minimal though. Finding time to sit in silence with myself each day can be incredibly challenging some days really having to face my true self in full honesty and wounds I don’t want to look at. Yet when I do this I can truly connect to the true me, to my heart and experience being me with courage.

Much like the feelings I go through, maybe this blog doesn’t make that much sense to someone not me. Yet I believe true expression and love is showing up for yourself.

By Jonny Pardoe

© The Self Esteem and Confidence Mindset 2024

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