Then it made me think about the challenges I’ve faced and how easy they look now—and how much they’ve made me grow.

You can’t avoid setbacks or mistakes

Setbacks in life; can we avoid them? Mistakes – can we avoid these? Will life flow smoothly all the time? Nope to all of these.

We can, however, reduce the number of likely setbacks and mistakes in life, and when I say that, it does sound appealing to do this …

The way to do this is to never push yourself towards your goals, never come out of your comfort zone, never grow—and stay still. Obviously, that kind of life is never going to change us.

When we do push for greater things, the number of setbacks and mistakes will increase, so this can be seen as a starter for greatness. It’s all about perspective.

Whether I’ve got promoted, got a better job, started my writing, started speaking, started my coaching career, been out dating I have always found that more setbacks came as I pushed myself toward new things and goals. Yet when I’ve overcome those setbacks, I’ve found that I’ve grown so much more and things that seemed so daunting once are not so daunting anymore.

Now, there will be some setbacks worse than others, and like any human, I’ve experienced this. I would like to emphasise that I am not saying ‘get over it’ and on to the next challenge.

What I’ve learned from setbacks

So, I’ve thought about all the positives and summarised what I’ve learned from setbacks into my top three things:

Path to something better

When something hasn’t worked out, it can sometimes be for the best. So, whether that is missing out on the job you thought you ’needed’ or dating the person you thought you ‘wanted’, the same applies.

I believe now that if it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be. A setback sometimes is teaching you that it’s not the right thing for you. Use your judgement, though, as to whether something is not right for you or something you really want and need to pursue.

For example, if you get rejected by a date, it’s better to try find someone else. Pursuing someone who doesn’t have the same interest in you is pointless and a waste of energy. This gives you an opportunity to work on yourself and find someone more suited.

If you miss out on a job, that one may have not been right for you either. However, you might love the career you are following, so don’t give up on it; it’s just a chance to work on yourself and when the right opportunity presents itself, you can go for it.

More about myself

When I’ve had setbacks, it’s helped me learn more about myself. It’s helped me learn how strong I am and what I’ve really wanted. It’s helped me learn about the skills I do have.

For example, when I went through a number of job interview rejections, it taught me how to really utilise some of my presentation skills I wouldn’t otherwise have realised I had. I learned how to present myself along the way and express myself.

How to turn a negative into positive action

I’ve learned how to change a negative into a positive. I learned that although getting out the frustration and disappointment is needed in the short term; it does not help to dwell on it and fall victim to my own life.

Therefore, by getting my brain to focus on next steps, it has helped me think more positively and action-focused going forward. This is a key skill for life as we don’t improve by what we think—but rather, by what actions we take.

Ok, Jonny – all well and good, but you’re quite a positive person. Some of us aren’t as positive, so how do we change this and react more positively to setbacks?

I am not just a naturally positive person; that’s the truth. I have had to work hard at improving my mindset to turn things around. That is probably the case for many people you see around you, the ones who always seem to have a smile on their faces no matter what.

You have no idea how hard these people have worked to become more positive and more proactive about improving their mindsets.

The reality is, I work on my own positive actions every single day! It’s a practice and habit. It’s like anything else.

We don’t get into good shape without doing exercise and eating well. We don’t become a good singer, without singing. We don’t become confident, without doing confident things.

WE DON’T BECOME POSITIVE WITHOUT DOING POSITIVE REGULARLY.

You think it’s impossible to ‘do positive’ while feeling bad? Not so. This is something you can learn too.

I know that not everything is going to be smooth in life, and I won’t be in a good state all the time. I do also know that if I don’t set myself up with the right habits and practises for positivity, I will struggle even more against setbacks.

That is why I do things like meditation, exercise, eat well, socialise, and many other things to help me be in a better positive state. Anyone can do this though; we don’t have to be helpless and say, ‘oh I’m just not a very positive person’ or ‘why do bad things always happen to me?’

Believe me, if you think bad things are going to happen to you all the time, they will—because your mindset makes you very vulnerable.

Now, as I say, some setbacks I encounter are certainly harder than others, and some people will have way harder setbacks than I do. Note that I don’t claim to have ownership of anyone else’s setbacks—only my own. But I do have ownership of knowing yours don’t have to beat you down.

How do I know this?

Well, that’s simple. I’ve seen myriad examples of people out there who have had horrible setbacks and come out on top with their response. Two examples:

Keanu Reeves – just Google his history to see what he’s overcome to be the man he is today.

J.K Rowling – this top-selling global author was rejected by so many publishers, alongside a series of personal setbacks, before she became one of the most successful authors in the world. This is the lady who sat in coffee shops unable to afford a coffee, as she struggled to pen her manuscript!

How can you change around setbacks into a better life?

Here are just some of the positive, ‘take action’ steps YOU too can take—starting right now—to be the more positive person you wish to be.

Allow frustration or disappointment

Some things are going to take more time to get over. Don’t ever bottle anything up though; talk it out, scream into a pillow, do some intense exercise—and anything else that’s healthy, all in reason of course.

Ask what you have learned from this

Did this life lesson teach you more about what you want? Did it teach you more about you as a person? Note the good points and developments you’ve learned from a setback.

Ask what you can do next time

When we ask the brain a question, it will look for an answer. Once you’ve had time to get over something, ask yourself what you can do next. What actions can you apply to progress with your life? Take some of the learning into account too.

Look at what you do have and be grateful

Gratitude is something everyone overlooks, me included. When you take time to appreciate what you do have, though, it helps you feel better.

So, spend time writing down all the things you do have rather than those you don’t. It trains the brain to focus on the positives rather than looking for dangers or the negatives, which is its default mode.

I spend a few minutes in the mornings, journaling my gratitude, for example.

Conclusion

Setbacks and challenges in life are inevitable, but respond to them with positive actions, and you are going to learn and grow.

This will just happen by default, too! That’s the really great news.

Go swimming every day, and you’ll become a better swimmer. Make more cookies, and the cookies will come out better. Respond positively to setbacks, and you will grow. It will have happened before you know it.

There will be times where setbacks and challenges are extremely hard, and it is ok to feel down or to feel frustrated. It’s natural, a part of ‘the human condition’.

The issue only becomes when you see yourself as a victim of life rather than learning from it, to become the stronger and greater version of you, the one you are capable of being.

Jonny Pardoe © February 2020

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I’m openly willing to admit that I’ve been suffering from anxiety again, and some panic attacks, which have caused me headaches and pure exhaustion at times. I’ve increased my self-awareness so much this year to identify certain things that cause these.

Bad things will happen to all of us but one key thing I have learnt is to do things that make you feel good and avoid things that make you feel bad. Sounds so easy… Well, as you probably know, it’s not, when you have habits or addictions to things. This could be in the form of eating bad sugary foods or aimlessly looking at negative social media feed.

I was struggling on what subject to write about the other day, but then it hit me; what I am trying to achieve is feeling good at the moment. For example, I went to see a Nutritional Therapist last night to see if I could improve my diet to feel better, which identified some gaps. I want to feel good now, not wait for something to happen to make me feel good. So therefore, I have written about this subject today.

Why focusing on feeling good is the priority

I’ve become quite into the spiritual side of things in the last year, and love to read / watch information from Gabby Bernstein. I think spirituality may be a future blog topic! I was praying for getting a sign to make me feel better again, then Gabby Bernstein’s video on Facebook appeared: ‘If you’re misaligned, watch this’.

The focus was on trying to feel good rather than forcing an outcome. Gabby openly talked about her challenges and how when she let go of it, that was what she wanted came to her. This video was clearly a sign that I should be focusing on feeling good.

When you feel good, things flow a lot easier, rather than waiting miserably for something to happen. When you feel good, you are also more productive, and ideas come to you more easily. Think about a time when you were enjoying yourself or relaxed and then a great idea—without effort—came into your head!

A final point is that when you feel good, you have positive energy. You are able to attract good things better and block out more negativity (whether internally or externally). I’m not sure there is any human on earth who doesn’t authentically want to be happy, but often we just wait for it to come, which is what I’d been doing for so long.

Why the outcome or expectation can be damaging

The outcome or expectation of something is outside of your control. What is in your control is your action and your efforts to achieving something. So, focusing on expecting something to happen can be damaging, whether that’s the job you ‘expect’ to get, the award you ‘expect’ to win or the romantic relationship with someone you ‘expect’ to form. If it goes your way, it can be a great feeling, but soon you’ll want more and more. If it doesn’t go your way, you’ll feel down as you attach yourself to the outcome too much.

Nothing is guaranteed that is outside of your control. Forcing things to happen only drains your energy more and more, rather than increasing through prioritising your own well-being.

Why goal setting is important still

I wanted to emphasise that setting goals for what you want to achieve and always expecting an outcome are two different things. Setting goals (when done with effort and thought) really helps you to identify what it is you actually want. This can help lift your energy and sense of purpose, excite you, drive you, and give you joy.

Chances are, though, you won’t achieve all your goals, whether short, medium or long-term. Goals are there to give you direction and when you don’t achieve them, you can start again. Goals may also change as you grow and discover new things too, which is perfectly fine. It’s important as I’ve stated, to enjoy the journey of the goals and doing what you do in the moment, rather than focusing too much on achieving them as the point for feeling good.

How to focus on feeling good

But how do I feel good, Jonny? you may ask.

Well it’s really about discovering what it is you love to do and achieving the right balance in your life between work, fun, health, socialising, relationships and other areas.

I’ve provided some ideas below, though:

• Make a list of things you genuinely enjoy and make time for them.
• Keep your mind focused on the present (meditation is fantastic for this, ideally 10-20 minutes a day).
• Talk to people about what is troubling you. I’ve found this hard myself, and generally as men, we don’t do this as well. You can talk to family, friends, a free support organisation (such as Samaritans) or even a professional if affordable.
• Journal your thoughts. When you write down your thoughts, it can help so much just to be expressing them rather than building them up and can help with enhanced thought clarity.
• Treat your mind and body with respect. When you eat or drink badly, you are never going to be able to function properly; therefore, look at the right foods and drinks. There are plenty of sources on the Internet to get ideas if you can’t afford a nutritionist or personal trainer. There are also some foods that we may be sensitive too physically, mentally and emotionally, we are all different. So it can be worth doing a food sensitivity test.
• Be very clear on what you want and why. Following a path that you think you ‘should do’ rather than what you want can be extremely damaging. Therefore, make sure you find time to discover what you really do want. I actually invested in a life coach to help me with this, and that’s when I discovered my passion for speaking and coaching alongside writing.

In summary

Make feeling good the priority. When you feel good, life flows so much easier and the right things come into your life. Making feeling good into regular habits is vital, and don’t just try and feel good once but make it a constant practice. There will be setbacks in life, I’m afraid, but you will be so much stronger to face them when you focus on feeling good and the positives in your life.

Don’t chase or wait for happiness but make an effort to feel good now!

Photo by Todd Trapani on Unsplash

Jonny Pardoe

Jonny Pardoe © November 2019

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