Pain is wanting those killer thoughts to go away.

Pain is wanting your heartbeat to slow down, just a little bit.

Heart racing, rushing thoughts and out of breath, I’ve only been awake for a minute! Every day in this prison. I take my usual steps, just one at a time.

• Sit up in bed
• Count to ten
• Try and convince myself “It’s going to be ok; it’s going to be ok”.

I grab a shower, a cold one, just to knock myself back to the present, just to stop my mind racing into the scary future or wanting to be back in the past. Sometimes, I like to live in the past, as feeling depressed can feel a lot better than feeling anxious. I don’t know if any of my regular emotions are particularly my favourites, but I know anxiety is the worst.

I sit at the table, eating my toast and sipping my coffee.

“Kyle, what’s up? You look more lost than normal,” comments Dad.

Lost? Yeah, I wish it was just that.

“I’m ok,” I murmur.

“Shouldn’t you hurry up? You have to be in by 7:30 today, don’t you?” asks Mum.

I look at the clock and have the sudden realisation that she’s right. It will take me twenty minutes’ walk and it’s 7:05 currently. My heart starts racing again as I rush upstairs to put the rest of my work uniform—my personal training gear—on.

I then rush out the door. My heart races and my brain asks the questions:

‘What if I’m late?’

‘What if I get fired?’

‘What will they think of me?’

I get there in good time. In fact, five minutes early. I walk in and see my boss Gina with a smile on her face.

“Morning Kyle, how’s it goin’?” she asks politely in her strong cockney accent.

“Morning” I respond.

Gina is a nice boss as the manager of the gym; she must be only a few years older than me, in her late twenties. A very stunning girl.

I catch up with my mate and colleague, Andy, who has started putting together some of the timetables for the gym classes we have to run. It prompts me to remember to start writing some more personal training plans for people for today.

As I start writing these, I get more relaxed. I enjoy personal training and creating plans for people. My focus is on this only, not my terrifying thoughts.

It’s time for my first session of the day now it’s reached 8:30. I have an elderly client called Shaun who wants to work on his strengthening. I come out and shake his hand.

“Hey, I’m Kyle, you must be Shaun,” I say loudly and confidently.

“Hello,” replies Shaun in his croaky voice.

We walk past a group of young girls not doing a lot on the treadmill and begin his session. Shaun needs a lot of encouragement. So, I keep giving him good positive feedback.

I enjoyed that session, so I go back to the office and start to write up the notes. I see Andy come in whilst laughing a bit.

“Think those girls have a bit of a fan club going for you, mate,” says Andy.

“Oh… right,” I reply, feeling slightly embarrassed but getting back to writing.

***

The day has gone well at work, very busy as I like my mind to be. Now it’s time for me to head home. I leave the gym in fairly good spirits as I start to walk the route back. It’s late and starting to get dark.

Then it starts coming back. I find my heart racing, spots of sweat appearing at the top of my head and my breath is not right.

‘You’re a failure.’

‘You should be a lot further in life by now.’

‘What if you get fired in the morning?’

‘What if you live with your parents forever?’

‘What if you end up on the streets with no money?’

I try to find something… anything, to distract me from these thoughts but I am really struggling at this moment.

Then I try to find evidence against these horrible thoughts, but they just take over and grow stronger and stronger.

***

I fall onto my bed exhausted by the latest battles in my head. I want to go to sleep to escape the thoughts, but still they come, and still they keep me awake. I start to feel tears in the corners of my eyes which then become stronger.

***

My name is Kyle and the above story was me a year ago. The anxiety and fear in my life was intolerable when I wasn’t busy. I hated being alone with my thoughts. They absolutely terrified me.

One day, it hit breaking point and I had to speak to someone. I saved some money to speak to a therapist. That was a major breaking point for me, just being able to speak to someone about the feelings I had experienced. I was then able to talk to my family.

Then applying healthy habits such as meditation, regular walks, journaling and talking to people really helped me. The negative and worrying thoughts still come into my head but I can often reason with them and know they are just thoughts.

Important notice:

If you or anyone you know, are experiencing any of the symptoms or issues experienced in the story today, please encourage yourself or the individual to talk, and to see a professional if necessary. In lots of cases, people hide or keep their mental health challenges to themselves and it gets worse. I know from experience when faced with difficulties, that when I’ve talked to people it has always significantly improved my well-being each time.

Speak to family and friends where possible but there are some other sources available if you wish to talk to someone independently. There are many but a couple of key ones for the UK:

https://www.samaritans.org/

https://www.mind.org.uk/

Jonny Pardoe

Jonny Pardoe © November 2019

Photo by Adrian Swancar on Unsplash

Website:

http://example.com

Facebook / Instagram/ LinkedIn / YouTube / Amazon:

Jonny Pardoe

Website:

http://example.com

Facebook / Instagram/ LinkedIn / YouTube / Amazon:

Jonny Pardoe

The post The Living Pain appeared first on The Self Esteem and Confidence Mindset.

Half an hour ago I was on top of the world. Now I look down at the floor, feeling a sense of hopelessness and emptiness in my life. I wish I could click a switch to go back to that other mood, but I can’t. Nothing has happened to change my mood, except my mind. It’s returned, I’m back in the darkness and I now have to work through it.

It’s been like this for three years. I guess it’s the mood swings, but I sometimes wonder if it’s a bit more than that. I wake up some days with a slow breath and a disappointed look, coming out of a dream and back into reality. Yet other days I wake up so excited and enthusiastic, ready to take on the world. I just try and pull myself together; it rarely stops me from carrying on through a complete day anyway.

My friends and family rarely say anything. I guess it looks like mood swings to the rest of them, just as I too, have tried to convince myself. After all it’s perfectly standard for people to have highs and lows. Sometimes I feel like I am in a pretty neutral mood but that doesn’t seem to last that long.

The problem now is that they are getting worse. A lot worse. Take last week for example:

I was excited, ready to get through the day at work. I was chatty, excited to see co-workers and really felt like a promotion was coming my way. People made comments such as:

‘You’re in a good mood today!’

‘Love the enthusiasm’

Then the switch went off in my mind…

I found it difficult to get excited about anything after that; I couldn’t see any kind of light. From that point on, I didn’t want any kind of promotion; I just wanted to be in my bed, accompanied by these feelings of unfulfillment and regret with my life. Things that had seemed simple, now seemed so much more difficult to tackle and all I could feel, was pain inside of my body. Pain that I just wanted to remove but couldn’t.

I’ve been putting this off for the last couple of years, but I’m at that point where I feel I need to do something about it. So, I research my symptoms. In today’s world, as the awareness has increased, I feel quite educated about mental health disorders, but I am still afraid that I am overreacting.

I look at bipolar disorder, but I don’t think that’s it. I don’t think my highs and lows are significant enough. Then I spot an article on cyclothymia. Could it be this? Again, I don’t want to talk to anyone about this as they might see me as just a dramatic older teenager.

I sit here with my doctor; she’s glad that I’ve come to her. It could have been on the verge of bipolar if I had continued without help but now she’s confirmed it. I’ve been diagnosed with cyclothymia. This is something that is so often ignored, and it is therefore undiagnosed.

‘The symptoms that you’ve got are very much associated with cyclothymia. There are two levels to it: hypomania and dysthymia. Your hypomania side is when you are feeling extremely optimistic, full of increased energy, increased self-esteem and many other areas. Dysthymia is when you’ve been feeling low, with a loss of energy and much sadness. Although your dysthymia is not as bad as severe depression, if this all were to continue untreated, you would run the risk of developing bipolar depression,’ she explains.

I sit there stunned, but at the same time, relieved.

‘Now let’s talk treatments’ suggests the doctor.

Important notice:

If you or anyone you know, are experiencing any of the symptoms or issues experienced in the story today, please encourage yourself or the individual to talk, and to see a professional if necessary. In lots of cases, people hide or keep their mental health challenges to themselves and it gets worse. I know from experience when faced with difficulties, that when I’ve talked to people it has always significantly improved my well-being each time.

Speak to family and friends where possible but there are some other sources available if you wish to talk to someone independently. There are many but a couple of key ones for the UK:

https://www.samaritans.org/

https://www.mind.org.uk/

Jonny Pardoe

Jonny Pardoe © August 2019

Photo by Noah Silliman on Unsplash

Website:

http://example.com

Facebook / Instagram/ LinkedIn / YouTube / Amazon:

Jonny Pardoe

The post ‘It’s Manageable’ appeared first on The Self Esteem and Confidence Mindset.

It’s a low week this week, which means that I must be extra strong mentally to give her the support she needs. I have to; she’s my life. She is the strongest woman that I know, trying her hardest to get through this, day by day.

We know what it is though: she had the diagnosis last month… clinical depression. I had known something was not right for a number of weeks and fortunately I had managed to persuade her to go and finally see her GP with me.

The lack of motivation to do anything, the constant fatigue, extremely hopeless comments and her dramatically low self-esteem: it just didn’t seem like her. At all.

It started when she lost her job; she was made redundant. Unfortunately, she has always had a low opinion of herself, but I think that was the thing that sent her over the edge. After she lost her job, she was making comments such as:

‘Nobody will ever employ me,’

‘What’s the point of it all?’

My constant reassurance has done nothing to boost her state of mind, she won’t believe me. I just try the best I can and constantly look at new ways to support her. The problem is that I too, am getting in trouble with work which has added new pressure to my life. I’d never show that struggle in front of her, it would only make her worse.

I’ve spoken to some close friends and family (from both sides) just to see what support they can give; they’ve offered to look after her whilst I am at work. I don’t want to scare her though. It might make her feel worse. Plus, I wouldn’t be able to operate at work with the thought of being away from her.

The comment that gets me from those I’ve told is: ‘she doesn’t look unwell’. Well that’s because it’s a mental illness; is she supposed to look physically unwell too? I guess nobody can understand from the outside.

***

Today we went for a walk in the park. In the old isolated country park where we’ve always loved to go. It has so many trees and so much long green grass. It’s in the middle of the week and so it’s not too crowded, just a few people walking about. She hates crowds of people; she’s a bit socially anxious like that. We just walk about in silence. I would try to find something to say but I know that she likes the silence most of the time.

She’s not crying today, but just has an emotionless expression on her face. It’s like something has been drained from her body. We sit down on a bench and just listen to the birds sing and watch the leaves flying around everywhere.

‘I love you’ I whisper, as I touch her hand.

She continues without a word, instead leaning over in my direction and rests her head on my shoulder. I put my arm around her and look at her as she closes her eyes. I close my eyes too, as we sit there falling asleep in public.

I feel equally as exhausted. The constant worry and concern looking after someone I love this much, is destroying me. I want her to be happy. If she’s happy, I can be happy again. I need to look at additional treatments for her.

***

I feel much more progress has been made and I’ve managed to get back to work. I still worry about her, but I am more confident that she can cope for a few hours in the day without me and in someone else’s company.

We’ve tried so much to move forward. The anti-depressants worked for a brief while but then we stopped. The counselling, exercise and a slow build-up of a positive routine is really what has started to make a difference.

Now on some days, she smiles. Those are the best days of my life, as I love to see her smile.

Important notice:

If you or anyone you know, are experiencing any of the symptoms or issues experienced in the story today, please encourage yourself or the individual to talk, and to see a professional if necessary. In lots of cases, people hide or keep their mental health challenges to themselves and it gets worse. I know from experience when faced with difficulties, that when I’ve talked to people it has always significantly improved my well-being each time.

Speak to family and friends where possible but there are some other sources available if you wish to talk to someone independently. There are many but a couple of key ones for the UK:

https://www.samaritans.org/

https://www.mind.org.uk/

Jonny Pardoe

Photo by Jose Chomali on Unsplash

Jonny Pardoe © July 2019

Website:

http://example.com

Facebook / Instagram/ LinkedIn / YouTube / Amazon:

Jonny Pardoe

The post I Would Love to See Her Smile appeared first on The Self Esteem and Confidence Mindset.

Yet I don’t know when IT will start. When IT will come into my mind….. Now IT IS COMING! I sit here and focus on something, anything, not to let IT get to me. Yet the more I battle, the worse it gets. I scribble down faster; I bite my hand; I grab a bottle of water. This is becoming intense now.

My breath is becoming quicker and quicker; I can hear it getting louder too. I must be in a dream; I am not in a dream though. I start punching my legs, just in an attempt to make my surroundings become even more real.

A couple of people look at me on my row, as if I am strange. I feel like a stranger amongst all my surroundings. I am a stranger in what appears to be a nightmare.

I can’t cope anymore. I don’t care what they think. I have to get out of here. I run. I run down the aisle of this surreal scary place, out of the door and outside, hoping that the fresh air will snap me out of IT. I rest against the wall as my heart keeps racing.

Six months later…

I sit here in the office at work typing on my keyboard. It’s not been too bad today or for the last couple of months. I know what IT is though. IT is derealisation. I know this as the doctor diagnosed what IT was, when I visited her for the second time. At my first consultation, she told me that I might just be tired.

Then, when my days became worse and the symptoms continued, my doctor finally gave me that diagnosis. I felt relieved to finally be able to tell someone this. I’ve been to see various professionals since and have been working on these panic attacks, as I try to manage my anxiety. I don’t know how it started but it did.

A few months back, my life was absolute hell. Some days were bad days, but some days were a living nightmare. I would have days when I felt like I was not me at all, as if I was in a dream (or nightmare); even anything close to me did not seem real. My mind was playing some kind of trick on me.

This would just cause my body to pump blood faster, to make me sweat more, to speed up my breathing; there would be great anxiety too. I was fearful of everything and everyone. Since I’ve learnt what this state of mind is and have discussed it with people, my derealisation has not gone away but it has certainly improved. Some days I can even forget about it just for a while.

Important notice:

If you or anyone you know, are experiencing any of the symptoms or issues experienced in the story today, please encourage yourself or the individual to talk, and to see a professional if necessary. In lots of cases, people hide or keep their mental health challenges to themselves and it gets worse. I know from experience when faced with difficulties, that when I’ve talked to people it has always significantly improved my well-being each time.

Speak to family and friends where possible but there are some other sources available if you wish to talk to someone independently. There are many but a couple of key ones for the UK:

https://www.samaritans.org/

https://www.mind.org.uk/

Jonny Pardoe

Jonny Pardoe © June 2019

Photo by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash

Website:

http://example.com

Facebook / Instagram/ LinkedIn / YouTube / Amazon:

Jonny Pardoe

The post What’s Happening? Is This Real? appeared first on The Self Esteem and Confidence Mindset.

I did not want that extra pint earlier because I was ready for a massive drinking session, I mean we only had a couple of pints. No, the reason for that other drink was because I wanted the guys to stay a little bit longer. I wanted company for an hour or so longer.
I wanted company. I always want company. Not like now, when I just have my own company. My own company and nobody else with me.

I walk home, it’s getting dark and feels cold. I may be a 6’2 foot ,15 stone man in his twenties but I feel vulnerable, nobody is there to protect me. Walking under the street lights, something follows me. My shadow. This is the closest to company that I can call.
I mull over thought after thought in my head, trying to remember back to before all of this. Back when I was with Steph, my ‘so called’ girlfriend at the time. We split up a few months ago. We wanted different things, or rather she wanted a different thing. She wanted someone not so insecure, so much so that she cheated on me and ended the relationship. I guess I deserved it.
Since then I’ve not wanted to be alone. I have been constantly around my friends, telling them all about it. Telling them how tragic I am. They listened at first but now they don’t, they don’t even see me now. I guess I was too much for them as well. So now I’m just reduced to a few of the guys at work for catch ups at the end of the day.
It sounds weird, but at work and those occasions after work, they are the best parts of my days. I actually have company around me other than myself, to whom I can talk. Unlike the weekends, those are scarily lonely times. I call my mum or my brother sometimes, but they are quite busy with their own lives. I don’t want to ruin theirs with mine.

I am in my flat now. It’s not much warmer than outside but I guess it saves on heating. I go to shut the curtains but wait a moment as there’s someone out there. There’s a couple heading to the block next door, all cuddled up to keep warm. I just observe, I just watch like a creep. They go inside, so I guess it’s back to me and my flat.
I can feel emptiness in my body, like a dark cloud. I stare in the mirror and my eyes look soulless and tired of life. Nobody wants to keep that man (me) company; it feels like this flat is destined to accommodate one tenant only.
I’m watching TV, just for some kind of company: Some form of life in my flat. I can’t fool myself though, as I fall hopelessly on the sofa.
I am alone physically and mentally, the worst double pain. Although people are within easy distance on the phone or in person, in my mind, I feel like they are millions of miles away, in another universe. It feels like nobody is coming to find me.
Soon something that I saw earlier, clicks. Something that may help me, so I Google it and find the number. A voice picks up and answers:

“Hello, Samaritans helpline” the man on the phone answers.
“Hi… I need someone to talk to, someone to help me” I respond, with a touch of relief…

Important notice:

If you or anyone you know, are experiencing any of the symptoms or issues experienced in the story today, please encourage yourself or the individual to talk, and to see a professional if necessary. In lots of cases, people hide or keep their mental health challenges to themselves and it gets worse. I know from experience when faced with difficulties, that when I’ve talked to people it has always significantly improved my well-being each time.

Speak to family and friends where possible but there are some other sources available if you wish to talk to someone independently. There are many but a couple of key ones for the UK:

https://www.samaritans.org/

https://www.mind.org.uk/

Jonny Pardoe

Jonny Pardoe © May 2019

Photo by Samuel Austin on Unsplash

Website:

http://example.com

Facebook / Instagram/ LinkedIn / YouTube / Amazon:

Jonny Pardoe

The post My Own Company appeared first on The Self Esteem and Confidence Mindset.

I stand here, smiling, as I talk to my mates on the college playing fields. As usual, it takes every ounce of energy to stop myself from collapsing into a heap on to the floor.

“You’re a bit quiet today, Brad” says Luke.

“Yeah, cheer up, mate; we’ve got a cup final to win, captain Brad,” adds Harry.

We do! It’s true but I have another battle to win. An internal one in my mind…

  Brad!

  Brad!

  Brad!

  Then suddenly I come back to earth as the loud whistle blows. I snap out of my day dream and come back to the match. We have kicked off; the game is underway and so I now focus my mind back to this moment. Any nerves I had before the game are gone. I run, I breathe and I shout. Anything and everything to be back in the game to lead my team on.

We come to a halt in the game, there is an injury. Not me! Everyone grabs some water. I stand there in silence, then it comes back…

What’s going to happen after this game? What is going to happen in my life? I will have to get back to my everyday uphill battle.

“Brad, get here!” shouts our manager (or the gaffer as we call him).

I am thankful for the interruption of my thoughts.

“We need you to be a bit more dominant up there, it’s coming back too quickly. Link up with Dan a bit more, yeah?” the gaffer requests.

“Yeah, cool,” I reply.

“Come on wakeup, Brad. I need you to lead the lads out there,” adds the gaffer.

The game has finished. We did it, we have won: 2-0. Sheer delight spreads across the team. I feel goose bumps on my body. The voices, they have disappeared for at least the time being. I high five and hug most of the lads. I grab the cup which is presented to me, jumping up and down while the lads all pile on top of each other.

“Championees, championees, ole, ole, ole” everyone keeps singing.

I feel a smile spread across my face for once, as I stand there holding the trophy. However, after a while, it becomes more of an effort to maintain that smile than I realise. They say it takes more muscles to frown than to smile, but it doesn’t feel like it. My head then starts to drop, and my eyes feel heavy.

Brad! It won’t last!

  They are back…

I take a sip of my drink, but it really doesn’t taste that great. I look over at Harry, Luke, Gav, Foz and Bez; they all seem to be full of sheer joy and laughter. I wonder what that feeling is like.

“Come on, Captain Brad, drink up,” orders Gav.

Due to this pressure, I take another large gulp of beer, but I screw my face up after I have done so.

“It’s lucky your football ability is better than your drinking ability!” adds Foz.

I’ve been sitting there looking at the wall in front of me, for most of the night and for the first time, the attention is back on me. We’ve been sitting in Luke’s flat for the last couple of hours, as a couple of us are too young to go to any bar. Besides it’s a Tuesday night.

“…Ah it’s past 8… I better go back now lads. I told my dad that I would… help him with something…” I say in half-finished sentences.

“Booooooo,” chant the lads, throwing their arms up in the air.

“Sorry lads. I’ll catch you tomorrow,” I add.

I grab my jacket and kit bag as quickly as I can, trying to give the appearance of being in a hurry to get home for the reason I gave. In fact, I am in a hurry to get out but for another reason.

Hurry up. Let’s get out of there. You need to be alone. You belong alone.

I sit on my bed and find myself looking up at the ceiling. My dad asked how I got on a few moments ago, so I gave him a quick summary and then claimed I was too tired to say more because I just needed to sleep.

Lie after lie.

 Nothing good to look forward to.

  Your life is going nowhere.

  I’m surprised you have friends at all.

 I fall back onto the bed and hope for the best: that eventually my mind will weary of all these thoughts and I will fall asleep exhausted. My eyes feel so heavy but just won’t close. They fill like they could fill up with water but don’t. I notice how fast my heart beat is and how unbalanced my breathing is. Nothing different from my usual then…

As I stroll towards Harry and Luke, I rub my eyes and try to look up, but my head feels like it’s going to pull me down into the ground.

“There he is,” says Harry.

“Hey guys,” I mutter.

All I get from Luke is a groan. He’s wearing shades and is propped up against the wall.

“Well… at least you ain’t hungover like this guy,” laughs Harry, as he points at Luke.

“Leave me alone,” moans Luke, who is starting to nod off.

“You’re gonna be stuffed in Maths,” claims Harry.

Maths! My homework is due today.

   I’ve not done it.

    I’m a bad person.

   I can’t do anything right.

“You ok, Brad? You seem like you’ve just seen a ghost,” claims Harry.

“Yeah…” I reply quietly.

“I think that they are going to do some kind of presentation for us later, for the cup. Buzzing!” adds Harry.

Not a presentation.

   I don’t think I can cope.

   I’ve already got too many things going on.

     “I’ve got to go,” I say to Harry.

I want to be all alone again. The simplest things are catching me off guard. I start to walk quickly away from Harry, then I break into a run before sprinting to the other side of the college. Finally, I sit down.

I fall to the ground, at the foot of a tree.  This time, my eyes don’t hold back the tears. I sniff and then the tears run down my cheeks. I breathe heavily and shake my head.

It’s not going to get better!

  You aren’t going to get better!

“Brad?” says a voice. I look up and there stands Harry.

“Woah, what’s up, mate?” he asks, crouching down and putting his hand on my shoulder.

I can’t respond. I don’t know what to say and so I just look down.

“Come on, let’s get out of here,” suggests Harry, as he helps me up to my feet.

“It’s everything, Harry, I can’t cope,” I sob, as we walk away from college grounds.

I’ve been sitting in the living room, talking to Harry and my dad for about ten minutes now. Dad is beside me with his arm around me.

“I’m so sorry, son. I thought you were so happy. Everything seems to be going for you. I never knew you felt like this,” says dad.

“Nor me, mate,” adds Harry.

“I don’t know what it is, I shouldn’t feel like this and I… don’t know why I’m complaining,” I say.

I am not crying anymore. I am opening up. I am opening up to them.

“We’re here every step of the way, Brad,” says dad, reassuring me with a big smile.

Important notice:

If you or anyone you know, are experiencing any of the symptoms or issues experienced in the story today, please encourage yourself or the individual to talk, and to see a professional if necessary. In lots of cases, people hide or keep their mental health challenges to themselves and it gets worse. I know from experience when faced with difficulties, that when I’ve talked to people it has always significantly improved my well-being each time.

Speak to family and friends where possible but there are some other sources available if you wish to talk to someone independently. There are many but a couple of key ones for the UK:

https://www.samaritans.org/

https://www.mind.org.uk/

Jonny Pardoe

Jonny Pardoe © April 2019

Photo by Tom Pumford on Unsplash

Website:

http://example.com

Facebook / Instagram/ LinkedIn / YouTube / Amazon:

Jonny Pardoe

The post Cruising on The Outside, Crying on The Inside appeared first on The Self Esteem and Confidence Mindset.

“Carl, what are you doing? Aren’t you going to work today?”

I turn, and see my mum speaking to me as she unlocks her car.

“Yes,” I reply quietly.

I have to start walking again. I have to face another day, but I am terrified. Terrified of life.

I blink a few times to keep my eyes open. I then start to rub them to get the sleepy dust out of them, the result of another night’s poor-quality sleep. All I can see in front of me as I walk, is the pavement, all I can hear, are the noises of cars and people talking on their phones. Noise, that is all. My mind is elsewhere, not in this moment.

I don’t know how this all started, but it did, and that’s what happened. I guess I’ve always been a worrier but not like this, not like I’ve been in the last year. I suppose it started when I left college and joined the real world. My friends went off to university, but my grades weren’t good enough and anyway, university did not feel right for me. Instead I started an apprenticeship at the local council: a job to put some money in my pocket. When I started earning money, making a living and facing the challenges of work, that’s when it started.

“Yes?” says the bus driver.

“Sorry?” I respond, looking up and briefly catching the bus driver’s eyes, before looking away again quickly.

I had completely wandered off for a moment then. My mind had gone completely blank.

“Where are you heading?”

“Pile Street,”

“What?”

“Pile Street, please”

“£1.50,”

I sometimes have to repeat myself like this, as I become nervous when speaking. I get the money out as quickly as I can, whilst my hands are shaking, I look down the crowded bus; there is no space. I stay standing near the front as I don’t want to become trapped in the crowd. I sense that everybody is looking at me and so I lift my head for a moment. Nobody is looking at me, everybody seems quite preoccupied with their own thoughts.

I preview the day ahead of me, with the thoughts of everyone seeming frustrated and angry at work. It’s probably all my fault. I can visualise myself being well and truly told off. I don’t know what I’ve done but it’s probably something.

Then I start to think back, back before I started college and when I was a younger kid. The fun and enjoyment that I got out of life. As I think about this, a tear comes to my eyes. How I wish I could escape this reality and run away somewhere, somewhere far away. I realise that I have been daydreaming for at least ten minutes and the bus has gone quieter.

Soon my stop comes, so I start walking slowly towards the exit.

“Thanks,” I half whisper to the bus driver, but he doesn’t respond.

I hear the bus drive away. I hear so many cars whizz by on the road and I continue to look down. I force myself to move towards the office, which is there in front of me. It is a large, daunting building with little sign of life. Even the people walking in and out, seem like emotionless zombies.

I walk through the entrance, to the stairs and then into the open office. As I do all these things, I hear my heartbeat start to race, I hear my breathing quicken and I feel sweat on my palms. I want to run to the toilet to throw up, but I fear I will be judged for being late.

I do it! I walk through the office. This is always the hardest part of the day. I keep my head down and walk over to my desk, where, at present, there is no sign of my boss. I unpack my stuff quickly and quietly and then sit down at my desk. I turn on the laptop after I’ve double checked that it’s muted. This… this is just the beginning of the day.

“Hey, how’s it going?” asks my boss, as I look up to see him approach.

“Good,” I murmur nervously.

“Sorry?” asks my boss, looking straight at me.

I have no choice but to look up. I can feel the sweat appearing on my arms.

“Good,” I repeat but louder this time.

“I have a couple of tasks for you to complete,” says my boss, passing over a few pieces of paper, as he moves his chair towards me.

I’ve spent most of the morning trying to complete these tasks, but I must admit that I have found them challenging. I’ve wanted to leave my seat and head to the toilet, but even doing that, I am scared that I might draw attention to myself.

When lunchtime arrives, I go for a walk. I sit down on a quiet park bench. I stare in front of me and spot some kids, no older than five, playing with their parents. They are only playing with a ball, but they look so happy, like nothing else in the world matters.

I can barely eat, as I feel sick. Now I start to think back to my childhood before all this started, before this anxiety came. I never used to be scared of life. I used to love every minute of it.

I find that the rest of the day goes slowly, as always. I feel completely drained. My eyelids are heavy, my head keeps dropping and in addition, my shoulders feel very tight. I am counting down the hours before I can leave this place. It’s only Tuesday!

I’ve completed some of the work, but, as usual, have really struggled to focus. Being able to focus on one thing at a time seems near impossible to me.

Eventually the end of the day comes. I am hoping that my boss doesn’t ask me to give a summary of how far I’ve got, but luckily, he doesn’t. I start to head out as he also puts on his coat. I always wait until he’s leaving as I don’t want it to look like I’m slacking and leaving early.

“Night,” he says.

“Night,” I reply but don’t look at him.

I sit on the bus looking down at my clean shoes on the dirty floor. I try to focus on this but then thoughts take over.

What if I can’t complete all this work?

   What if I get into massive trouble?

   What if I can’t find another job after they fire me?

   What if I always feel like this?

Soon the bus arrives.  I only just notice my stop in time to get off. I start walking slowly towards my house. My heart is still pumping fast. My head leads me as it hangs in front of my body.

Once inside, I put down my bag.

“Hey Carl, how are you?” asks mum.

“I…I….I…” I stutter.

Then I look up and make eye contact. I can’t hold anything back. I fall to the floor in pieces and curl up into a ball.

“Carl,” says mum softly, as she rushes to my side and hugs me as I sit on the floor.

“It’s ok… it’s ok…” she repeats.

“I need to talk, mum,” I say…

Suddenly, for the first time all day, my heart beat and breathing slows down. I feel the safest that I have been feeling all day. I need to tell her everything.

Important notice:

If you or anyone you know, are experiencing any of the symptoms or issues experienced in the story today, please encourage yourself or the individual to talk, and to see a professional if necessary. In lots of cases, people hide or keep their mental health challenges to themselves and it gets worse. I know from experience when faced with difficulties, that when I’ve talked to people it has always significantly improved my well-being each time.

Speak to family and friends where possible but there are some other sources available if you wish to talk to someone independently. There are many but a couple of key ones for the UK:

https://www.samaritans.org/

https://www.mind.org.uk/

Jonny Pardoe

Jonny Pardoe © March 2019

Photo by Nik Shuliahin on Unsplash

Website:

http://example.com

Facebook / Instagram/ LinkedIn / YouTube / Amazon:

Jonny Pardoe

The post Worry appeared first on The Self Esteem and Confidence Mindset.

I am a top lawyer in one of the best firms in Manchester. People see me outside and inside work as this confident, driven and unstoppable lawyer but that’s not what I see or I feel. It’s not reflective of the darkness and pure sadness clouding my mind.

It’s the same routine every day: I drag myself out of my bed in a sluggish and slow manner, I grab the smallest bit of toast, put on my suit, then try to convince myself that I am ready for the day and that I will make it through the day. I then set off on my walk to work which takes me twenty minutes with the additional time for my coffee, which sadly, is the most exciting part of my morning.

One thing that gets me down is seeing everybody else rushing to work in the morning; it puts many questions in my head and makes myself question life in general. Is this all that life is? Am I just here to wake up, go to work and repeat? What is my value in the world? Then the most frightening question… will I ever be happy again?

When walking down the street, I feel as if I am invincible to everyone else. Nobody necessarily seems on top of the world nor happy, as they stare at their mobile phones or read through papers for their first meeting as they all focus on getting to work but they all seem a lot happier than I feel. My thoughts aren’t on what I have first thing but more on how I am going to get through the day.

Eventually I will arrive at work. It’s a large vertical building by the river, roughly fifty floors high. So many people surround it every day, mostly going in but a few coming out. This is the point where I grip my briefcase so hard and freeze, before I, too, go in. Thoughts rush to my head of the coming events of the day; then the anxiety begins to kick in, accompanied by the sadness in my mind.

“Have I done all the paper work I needed to?”

“Have I got a meeting with a big client this morning?”

“Will I get in trouble with my boss?”

Not the kind of questions to boost my mood but I can’t help it. I’m forever trapped in this mind- set.

As I enter the building I alter my facial expression and body language. I make sure my posture is upright, I make sure that my eyes are focused and that my lips are half smiling (which is challenging). I don’t want to show how I really feel, I don’t want to look weak.

I proceed to the lift to go up to the thirty- sixth floor; it is crammed with smartly dressed people. The lift often stinks of strong aftershave and perfume. Although there are so many people in there, usually nobody utters a word, they are all focused on work and what they have to do, I guess. There’s always someone I recognise, who may give me a quick nod or a “good morning”. I’ll reply with a half-hearted nod or half a smile.

When the lift eventually gets to my floor I know that’s it. It’s time for me to face the true reality and pressures of my job. I go straight to my desk in our open -plan office, which is always really noisy, on the way passing people saying, “good morning” etc etc.

When I get there, I take a seat and try to think what I have to do. I then start to write down my tasks, which at least takes away the thoughts of sadness in my mind. Then I usually realise exactly how much I have to do and how tricky the tasks are going to be; that’s when my heart starts racing again.

I didn’t always used to be like this. I used to have ambition, passion and energy running through my body as opposed to just trying to fake this to the outside world. I can’t afford to show any weakness though, as I believe they’ll think I’m weak, that I’m not up to this job; then I’ll have to leave this job and be jobless.

So how did these feelings start? How did I become so low? Feel so worthless? I guess a few things triggered off these feelings. It started when I first moved here for my job promotion. I used to live down south with friends and family. I wish I had never got that promotion now.

Since moving up here, I have lost contact with my friends and I have been far too busy to make new friends. In terms of my family, I have a large family and so often my parents are visiting relatives all across the country, as well as in other countries. I assumed they were too busy, as was I. I didn’t want to tell them how down I’ve been feeling; why would I? They see me as a highly successful lawyer; why would I want to say anything to change their perceptions?

That feeling of loneliness and not being able to reach out to people, combined with my lack of purpose is where it all began. Yes, I found I was in top form when I got the job and then started work there but then that dramatically changed. I found being a lawyer was something I did not want to do, but what else can I do?

I guess until now it’s been easier to take the easy option of continuing my same life style, being on the rush and acting like a robot. I’ve decided no more though! I want to take that risk and try to change my job, change my life and ultimately change my level of happiness.

Important notice:

If you or anyone you know, are experiencing any of the symptoms or issues experienced in the story today, please encourage yourself or the individual to talk, and to see a professional if necessary. In lots of cases, people hide or keep their mental health challenges to themselves and it gets worse. I know from experience when faced with difficulties, that when I’ve talked to people it has always significantly improved my well-being each time.

Speak to family and friends where possible but there are some other sources available if you wish to talk to someone independently. There are many but a couple of key ones for the UK:

https://www.samaritans.org/

https://www.mind.org.uk/

Jonny Pardoe

Jonny Pardoe © August 2018

Photo by Hunters Race on Unsplash

Website:

http://example.com

Facebook / Instagram/ LinkedIn / YouTube / Amazon:

Jonny Pardoe

The post The Hidden Lawyer appeared first on The Self Esteem and Confidence Mindset.