Why Emotional Intelligence Matters More Than People Realise
If you’ve ever wondered why you click instantly with some people and struggle painfully with others, you’re not broken. You’re human. And whether you’ve been aware of it or not, emotional intelligence has been directing those interactions.
When I sat down with Dr. Robin Hills — a leading voice in emotional intelligence and founder of EI4Change — I knew this wasn’t going to be another fluffy, motivational chat. This was a deep dive into the stuff most people think they understand… until they’re asked to actually demonstrate it.
Before you roll your eyes at the phrase “emotional intelligence,” let’s be clear: this isn’t about becoming some serene monk who feels nothing, floats above pain, and smiles beatifically while life falls apart.
No — emotional intelligence is far more real, far more uncomfortable, and far more powerful than that.
It’s about being smart with your feelings so you can make solid decisions and build relationships that don’t fall apart the second life gets stressful.
Let’s get into it.
What Emotional Intelligence Actually Is
A Simple Definition for Something Deeply Complex
Emotional intelligence, as Robin put it, is essentially:
Being smart with your feelings so you can make the right decisions and build authentic relationships — then act on them.
That’s it.
No mystical jargon.
No personality test bingo.
Just you, your emotions, and learning how to not let them bulldoze your wellbeing or relationships.
And yes, you can develop it. You’re not stuck with whatever emotional toolkit you had at 17. Cognitive intelligence may plateau, but emotional intelligence evolves for your entire life — until cognitive decline sets in, at which point you’ve earned the right to be as eccentric and brutally honest as you want.
The Myths Everyone Gets Wrong
Myth #1: “I’m already emotionally intelligent.”
If someone has to tell you they’re emotionally intelligent… they’re probably not.
I’ve met people — especially in leadership — who proudly announce, “Oh, I’m very emotionally intelligent,” right before explaining how they ‘manage’ people by making them fearful, stressed, or angry at will.
Right. Inspiring.
Myth #2: Emotional intelligence = controlling a handful of basic emotions
It’s not just about anger, guilt, shame, happiness or anxiety. You’re not managing emojis.
You’re managing:
- The way your body reacts
- The way your thoughts shift
- The way your behaviour changes
- The impact all of that has on someone else
You are reacting emotionally in every conversation — including this one.
Where You Actually Start
If you’re thinking, “Great, emotional intelligence sounds useful, but I have no idea where to begin,” here’s Robin’s simple truth:
Start with self-awareness.
Personality assessments like DISC, MBTI, OCEAN, or NEO can help — as long as they’re paired with coaching.
Do one alone and it’s basically a horoscope.
Do one with guidance and it becomes a mirror into your blind spots, patterns, and default reactions.
And trust me — if you want confidence, healthier relationships, better self-esteem, or just a clearer sense of who you are… self-awareness isn’t optional.
How Emotional Intelligence Helps You Handle Stress
You Need Stress — but Not the Kind That Flattens You
Pressure isn’t the enemy.
In fact, a bit of stress (known as eustress) fuels motivation, growth, and performance.
The problem?
When stress tips past “helpful nudge” into “complete derailment.”
And here’s where emotional intelligence comes in:
- It helps you spot your emotional state before it blindsides you.
- It shows you what triggered the stress in the first place.
- It teaches you how to adapt rather than collapse.
And yes — in the heat of the moment, it’s still hard. Even emotional intelligence experts lose the plot sometimes. As Aristotle put it:
“Anyone can become angry — that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, in the right way, at the right time… that is not easy.”
Humanity wins again.
Using “Negative” Emotions as Tools — Not Threats
Sadness, anger, shame… these emotions are not flaws. They’re data.
Yes — data.
Emotions tell you:
- Why something matters
- What value was threatened
- What loss you’re grieving
- Which boundary was crossed
- Which need wasn’t met
When Robin spoke about his mother’s passing, he explained how sadness is part of the healing process. It resets you emotionally and physiologically, helping you move forward rather than stay emotionally frozen.
So if you’ve ever wondered, “How could sadness possibly help me?”
That’s how.
Allowing Yourself to Actually Feel
Why suppressing emotions destroys relationships
You can suppress emotions… until you can’t.
And when your emotions finally erupt, they don’t come out politely with a cup of tea. They come out like a blunderbuss — loud, abrupt, and completely disproportionate.
Learning to say:
“I’m feeling… (insert emotion)”
…is the simplest, most effective step toward emotional intelligence.
No one can argue with your emotions. They can argue with your logic, but not your internal experience.
Try:
- “I’m feeling overwhelmed because…”
- “I’m feeling anxious right now due to…”
- “I’m feeling excited about…”
This one practice opens doors to deeper connection — especially in romantic relationships where emotional engagement isn’t optional; it’s the glue.
Why Men Especially Need This Work
A lot of men only express emotions at:
- football matches
- the pub
- when their team loses
- when their team wins
- and occasionally when they stub a toe
But emotional intelligence isn’t tough-guy suppression.
It’s learning how to feel, express, and communicate what’s going on inside before it sabotages your mental health or relationships.
Even crying — yes, crying — is not a weakness.
It’s a release valve.
Music does this for both me and Robin.
A song hits the right note from the right era and suddenly you’re feeling every memory you packed away for a decade.
It doesn’t make you fragile.
It makes you human.
Self-Esteem, Confidence, and the Way You Relate to Yourself
When you grow your emotional intelligence, you stop fighting yourself.
You stop seeing emotions as enemies and start seeing them as signals — messages from a wiser, deeper part of you.
Your self-esteem improves because you’re no longer shaming yourself for feeling things.
Your confidence rises because you’re no longer afraid of your internal world.
And your relationships become richer because you’re finally showing up as… you.
Final Thoughts: The One Message You Need to Take Away
There is only one of you.
There always has been, and there always will be.
Your emotional world isn’t something to fear or suppress — it’s something to understand, to work with, to respect.
Because when you learn to use your emotions as information rather than identity, you don’t just build confidence.
You build the kind of self-trust that carries you through stress, grief, conflict, and every curveball life throws at you.
Lead with your heart and not with fear.
You can find the full episode on any of these channels:
Apple / Spotify / YouTube:
The Self Esteem and Confidence Mindset Podcast
By Jonny Pardoe
©The Self Esteem and Confidence Mindset Ltd 2025
