The Hidden Cost of Being the “Nice Guy”
If you’ve ever felt walked over…
If you’ve ever swallowed your truth because you didn’t want to upset someone…
If you’ve ever played small just to be accepted…
Then you already know exactly what I’m talking about.
And if you’re honest with yourself, you also know how much it messes with your confidence, your mental health, and your relationships — especially as a man.
Being “nice” is not the same as being kind.
Being “nice” is fear.
Being kind is strength.
Today, I want to share some of the biggest lessons I learned from No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover, and how applying them radically improved my relationship with myself — and everyone else around me.
Because if you’re still trying to be the “nice” version of yourself, you’re abandoning the real you. And that’s the fastest way to destroy your self-esteem.
Let’s get into it.
Nice vs Kind: One Comes From Fear. One Comes From the Heart.
Where You Learned Nice-Guy Behaviour (And Why It Isn’t Serving You)
I used to say yes to everything.
At school, I’d take other kids’ clothes home to wash them — literally.
I’d let people kick my football away and pretend it didn’t bother me.
I’d try to impress girls by saying whatever I thought they wanted to hear.
I’d avoid conflict, avoid honesty, avoid being myself.
All because I wanted to be liked.
All because I was terrified of rejection.
All because I didn’t feel enough.
And every time I betrayed myself, something inside me chipped away:
- my self-respect
- my authenticity
- my confidence
- my trust in myself
Being nice is self-abandonment disguised as politeness.
Being kind comes from strength.
Being nice comes from insecurity.
If you feel this one in your chest — good. That means you’re waking up to it.
Why Men Lose Themselves Trying to Be “Nice”
The Pain Underneath the People-Pleasing
Let’s go deeper.
Nice guys aren’t nice because they’re good men.
Nice guys are nice because they’re scared.
Scared of:
- being disliked
- being alone
- being abandoned
- being seen
- being rejected
- being judged
- being themselves
I know this because I lived it.
When you don’t accept who you really are, you contort yourself into whatever shape you think others will approve of. And that destroys your confidence from the inside out.
But there’s another layer to this…
A lot of nice-guy behaviour comes from childhood wounds — especially abandonment.
If you lost people early in life, or you weren’t emotionally supported, your nervous system learned:
“If I’m good, they’ll stay. If I’m honest, they’ll leave.”
So you became the agreeable one.
The helpful one.
The flexible one.
The “easy” one.
But not the real you.
Women Don’t Want “Nice Guys” — They Want Secure Men
The Truth Most Men Never Hear
For years, I believed that women only wanted the bad boys.
So I swung between two extremes:
- be the asshole to get attention
- be the nice guy to get approval
Both were inauthentic.
Both attracted wounded relationships.
Both left me feeling empty.
Here’s the truth:
- Women who haven’t healed their wounds gravitate toward bad boys.
- Women who have done the work want a man who leads with heart, boundaries, truth, and confidence — the guy in the middle.
Not the bully.
Not the doormat.
The grounded man.
And becoming that man starts with this one thing:
Stop abandoning yourself to be liked.
How to Stop Being the Nice Guy and Start Being the Real You
Here Are the Exact Lessons That Changed Everything for Me
1. Being nice is you abandoning your true self
You can’t feel confident if you’re constantly betraying your own voice.
Ask yourself:
- What do you actually want?
- What do you genuinely enjoy?
- What do you believe?
Be that.
Not the version you think people want.
2. Accept who you are — fully
The greatest antidote to nice-guy behaviour is self-love.
Look in the mirror and tell yourself:
“I am enough as I am right now.”
Don’t just say it.
Feel it.
Breathe it in.
Place your hand on your heart and anchor it into your nervous system.
When you love who you are, you stop tolerating what diminishes you.
3. Stop trying to avoid mistakes
Nice guys try to get everything “right” because they’re terrified of getting anything wrong.
But here’s the reality:
You’re going to make mistakes. Constantly. Because you’re human.
Confidence grows when you take action, not when you wait for perfection.
Celebrate effort, not outcome.
4. Heal your fear of abandonment
One of the deepest wounds in men is the fear of being left.
Inner child work changed my life.
Picture your younger self — 4, 5, 6 years old.
Tell him:
“I’m here for you. I won’t leave you.”
When you anchor safety within yourself, you no longer seek it desperately in others.
5. Be kind — not nice
Kindness is strength.
Kindness is truth.
Kindness is boundaries.
Be kind to yourself:
- rest when you need it
- reward your effort
- treat yourself with dignity
- speak to yourself with love
And from that place, be kind to others — not to get approval, but because it’s who you choose to be.
When You Stop Being Nice, You Start Becoming Confident
The World Doesn’t Need Another Nice Guy — It Needs a Real Man
Here’s what you need to know:
When you let go of “nice,” you don’t become harsh.
You don’t become selfish.
You don’t become uncaring.
You become:
- grounded
- honest
- loving
- confident
- secure
- powerful
You become a man who lives from the heart, not fear.
And that’s the man who attracts healthy relationships.
That’s the man who commands respect.
That’s the man who leads.
That’s the man you’re here to become.
Lead with your heart and not with fear.
