The Real Confidence Work Nobody Talks About
You can look incredible on the outside and still feel completely disconnected on the inside.
You know that already.
You’ve lived that.
And if you’ve ever wondered why you don’t feel as confident as you “should,” even when you’re doing all the “right things,” this one’s for you.
When I interviewed Sandra Lena Silverman — bestselling author of From Bullshit to Botox and the upcoming From Bullshit to Broken Heart — it wasn’t just about beauty or relationships. It was about self-esteem. Real self-esteem. The kind you build when no one’s watching.
Her story highlights something important for you, especially if you’re on a journey of rebuilding your confidence:
If you don’t work on the internal, the external will never feel like enough.
Let’s break down what this actually means for your self-esteem, your confidence, and your ability to choose yourself — not just in how you see yourself, but in the people you allow into your world.
The Illusion of “I’ll Feel Better Once I Fix the Outside”
When External Confidence Isn’t the Full Story
Sandra spent years chasing external beauty — procedures, surgeries, endless self-improvement on the outside. And yet…
she still didn’t feel good enough.
Why?
Because when the internal foundation is cracked, nothing external can hold.
And the more you try to fill that inner void with outer changes, the deeper the void becomes.
Her words made something really clear:
“I had done all this exterior work, and I wasn’t really happy.”
Maybe you’ve felt that too.
Maybe you’ve tried to “fix” something external hoping it would silence the internal voice that says:
- “You’re not enough.”
- “You need to change more.”
- “You need someone else’s approval.”
The truth?
External upgrades can only amplify what’s already there.
They can’t replace self-love.
They can’t replace boundaries.
They can’t replace healing.
The Inner Work That Builds True Self-Esteem
You Cannot Hate Yourself Into a Better Version of Yourself
When Sandra finally did the internal work — life coaching, healing childhood trauma, eliminating toxic people — everything shifted.
This wasn’t “surface-level healing.”
This was deep.
Uncomfortable.
Messy.
Life-changing.
And if you’re serious about your own confidence journey, here are the core truths she uncovered that you need to hear:
1. Toxic people destroy self-worth faster than anything else
Friends of 35 years.
A partner who tore her down repeatedly.
People who drained her, belittled her, or quietly resented her.
You can’t build self-esteem while someone else is tearing it apart.
2. Loving yourself means walking away — even when it hurts
Not because it’s easy.
But because you finally recognise:
“If I really loved myself, I wouldn’t allow this.”
3. Confidence requires consistency
Not just in thoughts.
But in:
- workouts
- nutrition
- rest
- boundaries
- self-care
- emotional healing
Confidence is the byproduct of keeping promises to yourself.
How to Start When You Feel Overwhelmed
Because Confidence Doesn’t Arrive — You Build It
Sandra emphasised something simple but powerful:
Choose yourself for at least one hour a day.
That’s it.
One hour where you put your wellbeing before everything else.
Here’s how you start when you don’t know where to begin:
- go for a walk
- move your body
- meditate
- journal
- read
- dry brush
- do a basic at-home skincare routine
- take supplements
- sit in stillness
- breathe
It’s not about what you choose — it’s about choosing you.
Because if you never choose yourself, you can’t expect self-esteem to magically grow.
Recognising Toxicity & Rebuilding Confidence Through Boundaries
Confidence is Saying: “I Deserve Better — And I Will Act Like It.”
One of the most powerful parts of Sandra’s story was how she rebuilt her boundaries.
Not intellectually.
Not theoretically.
Practically.
Ruthlessly.
Lovingly.
She realised:
- If someone gives her anxiety before meeting them → they’re gone.
- If someone’s energy feels off → she walks away.
- If someone speaks down to her → she’s done.
- If someone doesn’t clap when she wins → they’re not her people.
Boundaries aren’t walls.
They’re filters.
They filter out anything that disrupts your peace, your growth, your energy.
And hear this:
Your self-esteem rises every time you remove someone who lowers it.
Healing Your Inner Story So You Stop Attracting What Hurt You
You Don’t Heal by Moving On — You Heal by Going In
Sandra was brutally honest:
She kept attracting narcissists because she hadn’t healed the part of herself that tolerated narcissists.
This is a huge truth for your confidence:
You attract what reflects how you feel about yourself.
When you feel unworthy, you attract people who confirm it.
When you heal, you attract people who respect it.
Her healing included:
- therapy
- relationship coaching
- plant-based medicine
- hypnosis
- trauma work
- reconnecting with her childhood memories
- identifying emotional patterns
- rebuilding trust in herself
And the more she healed, the more her confidence came back.
You don’t attract better by wishing for better.
You attract better by becoming better internally.
Real Confidence Comes From Choosing You — Over and Over Again
And That Starts With One Decision
If you take one thing from Sandra’s story, let it be this:
Self-esteem is the result of loving yourself enough to stop settling.
When you choose:
- your peace
- your boundaries
- your healing
- your wellbeing
- your space
- your truth
- your growth
…your confidence naturally rises.
Your energy rises.
Your relationships rise.
Your standards rise.
And the world rises to meet you.
Whether you’re healing old wounds, rebuilding confidence after a breakup, rising from toxic friendships, or simply learning how to truly value yourself again — your self-esteem grows every time you choose you.
And you deserve to choose yourself.
Lead with your heart and not with fear.
You can find the full episode on any of these channels:
Apple / Spotify / YouTube:
The Self Esteem and Confidence Mindset Podcast
By Jonny Pardoe
©The Self Esteem and Confidence Mindset Ltd 2025
