Who said that originally? I’m not sure actually, I’ve just Googled it but couldn’t find it.

What does it mean? Well by the end of this blog, I’ll give you some insight into how habits have shaped the great in my life and can help you triumph in yours too. I’m obsessed with habits, why? Because habits are what we do every single day, and what we do every single day is what makes us.

Habits are extremely important to be aware of right now in these coronavirus times too. I’m sure you’ve seen plenty of crazy behaviour as have I. What’s interesting to note though is that although some people are mentioning how worried and anxious they are (which is completely understandable!) they still continue habits such as constantly posting on social media and listening to bad sources of news or speculation… arguably things that could worsen their worry.

Types of habits: Good and Bad

So let’s begin with types of habits.
● Good habits
● Bad habits

So what is a good habit and bad habit? People are going to have different opinions on different habits, I’ve discussed with different people before.

Generally though, in my view, a good habit is something that supports your goals and well-being and a bad habit is something that doesn’t. I’m going to outline some examples / stories below for how habits support you or not. The aim is that this will help you increase your awareness of what is or isn’t working for you so you can conquer your days even in these challenging times.

Some good habits for well-being and goals

I was up at 6AM this fine morning and I have been all this week. I’ve been up with a morning routine consisting of gratitude, breathing exercises, visualisation and then working on my coaching qualification or upcoming speeches. I’ve been eating relatively well and getting some fresh walks / runs this week (obviously being careful on what I touch and to wash my hands) but I feel incredible. I know these things support my goals both good and bad.

Let’s use an example of someone else…
Thomas Edison…. Didn’t know the bloke personally… not sure why I said that, but I am hoping you’ve heard of him. If you have not Mr Google is still in operation. Thomas Edison failed to make the light bulb work 1000 times. 1000 times! He had a habit of consistently dedicating himself to his work and his goal though. This eventually gave him success.

Some bad habits for well-being and goals

If you’ve not guessed it these are the types of habits that personally for you, do not help well-being and goals.

For me in the last year I’ve had some setbacks, where when I’ve applied good habits for me I’ve managed to get back on track but there have been times I’ve made things worse for myself with bad habits. I now know things like too much social media, too much vegan junk food, too much drinking on a night out or keeping thought bottled to myself do not support either my well-being or goals. When I started adding this to my journaling and talking to people about this, my self awareness increased and I was able to reduce these bad habits.

Another example I can think of was a friend of mine who wanted to lose some weight. The individual asked me for some advice, he had been doing quite well but would say sometimes when stuck in his flat with a load of snacks would give into temptation and always end up eating them. My advice was to remove them and just buy treats on a treat day. The bad habit was eating bad foods every day not consistent with the goal, but by increasing that self awareness and admitting it my mate was able to take action and then continue on his goal of losing weight.

How to implement habit as simple as possible?

Self awareness

Journal down what your goals are and what you want to feel like. Especially focus on the feeling, if you are like most humans the chances are you want to be happy and fulfilled. Then look at your habits you currently do, the main ones and ask yourself:
‘Do these habits support my goals and well-being?’
If the answer is yes fantastic but if no then look at re planning.
Then ask…
‘Are there any other habits I need to do to support my goals and well-being?’
If the answer is yes to this then start looking to plan them in, in the next step.

Habit planning

You will want to make habits as easy as possible to create or change. I learnt a lot about this in Rob Dial’s course ‘Habit Mastery’ which I would highly recommend if he offers the course again. So plan 2-3 habits you would like to do and 2-3 you would like to change.
Examples of adding in habits: 5 minutes of meditation a day, asking someone how they are everyday, 5 minutes of journaling a day.
Examples of changing habits: reducing social media usage from 3 hours screen time to 1.5 hours screen time, eating whole foods only weekdays.
Those are just examples and yours may be entirely different.

Habit challenge / implementation

Aim for completing the habit challenge for a minimum of 60 days total. Why these numbers?
It’s believed around 60 days is what it takes for a habit to become automatic. There has been debate in the past between 21,30, 60 or even longer. However I’ve found that when I’ve done something for 60 days it’s helped my behaviour become automatic. New neural connections are formed in the brain to make habits automatic. But to make it easier aim for 20 days at a time and reward yourself for each 20 days you get by. When you reward yourself with something you are telling the brain it is doing something right. You can even do smaller rewards every day for completing a habit, I was giving myself a couple squares of dark chocolate for completing my habit challenges daily.
In terms of existing habits these are connections formed in your brain but as you change them you will reduce the connections in your brain more and you will be less likely to do them. Also reward yourself for changing a habit after a certain interval can help too.

I would reward myself with a day trip somewhere or a new shirt. It doesn’t have to be big though you could reward yourself with a day off or a food treat.

Conclusion

It’s really important you become aware of your habits especially in these current circumstances. Ask yourself what is helping you feel more at ease and what is not? Start journaling and setting yourself challenges to change habits. Reward yourself for achieving habit challenges.
At the end of the day this may be a bit of work but you are doing it for you. Why would you not want to do everything possible to create a happier you?

Jonny Pardoe © March 2020
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I’m openly willing to admit that I’ve been suffering from anxiety again, and some panic attacks, which have caused me headaches and pure exhaustion at times. I’ve increased my self-awareness so much this year to identify certain things that cause these.

Bad things will happen to all of us but one key thing I have learnt is to do things that make you feel good and avoid things that make you feel bad. Sounds so easy… Well, as you probably know, it’s not, when you have habits or addictions to things. This could be in the form of eating bad sugary foods or aimlessly looking at negative social media feed.

I was struggling on what subject to write about the other day, but then it hit me; what I am trying to achieve is feeling good at the moment. For example, I went to see a Nutritional Therapist last night to see if I could improve my diet to feel better, which identified some gaps. I want to feel good now, not wait for something to happen to make me feel good. So therefore, I have written about this subject today.

Why focusing on feeling good is the priority

I’ve become quite into the spiritual side of things in the last year, and love to read / watch information from Gabby Bernstein. I think spirituality may be a future blog topic! I was praying for getting a sign to make me feel better again, then Gabby Bernstein’s video on Facebook appeared: ‘If you’re misaligned, watch this’.

The focus was on trying to feel good rather than forcing an outcome. Gabby openly talked about her challenges and how when she let go of it, that was what she wanted came to her. This video was clearly a sign that I should be focusing on feeling good.

When you feel good, things flow a lot easier, rather than waiting miserably for something to happen. When you feel good, you are also more productive, and ideas come to you more easily. Think about a time when you were enjoying yourself or relaxed and then a great idea—without effort—came into your head!

A final point is that when you feel good, you have positive energy. You are able to attract good things better and block out more negativity (whether internally or externally). I’m not sure there is any human on earth who doesn’t authentically want to be happy, but often we just wait for it to come, which is what I’d been doing for so long.

Why the outcome or expectation can be damaging

The outcome or expectation of something is outside of your control. What is in your control is your action and your efforts to achieving something. So, focusing on expecting something to happen can be damaging, whether that’s the job you ‘expect’ to get, the award you ‘expect’ to win or the romantic relationship with someone you ‘expect’ to form. If it goes your way, it can be a great feeling, but soon you’ll want more and more. If it doesn’t go your way, you’ll feel down as you attach yourself to the outcome too much.

Nothing is guaranteed that is outside of your control. Forcing things to happen only drains your energy more and more, rather than increasing through prioritising your own well-being.

Why goal setting is important still

I wanted to emphasise that setting goals for what you want to achieve and always expecting an outcome are two different things. Setting goals (when done with effort and thought) really helps you to identify what it is you actually want. This can help lift your energy and sense of purpose, excite you, drive you, and give you joy.

Chances are, though, you won’t achieve all your goals, whether short, medium or long-term. Goals are there to give you direction and when you don’t achieve them, you can start again. Goals may also change as you grow and discover new things too, which is perfectly fine. It’s important as I’ve stated, to enjoy the journey of the goals and doing what you do in the moment, rather than focusing too much on achieving them as the point for feeling good.

How to focus on feeling good

But how do I feel good, Jonny? you may ask.

Well it’s really about discovering what it is you love to do and achieving the right balance in your life between work, fun, health, socialising, relationships and other areas.

I’ve provided some ideas below, though:

• Make a list of things you genuinely enjoy and make time for them.
• Keep your mind focused on the present (meditation is fantastic for this, ideally 10-20 minutes a day).
• Talk to people about what is troubling you. I’ve found this hard myself, and generally as men, we don’t do this as well. You can talk to family, friends, a free support organisation (such as Samaritans) or even a professional if affordable.
• Journal your thoughts. When you write down your thoughts, it can help so much just to be expressing them rather than building them up and can help with enhanced thought clarity.
• Treat your mind and body with respect. When you eat or drink badly, you are never going to be able to function properly; therefore, look at the right foods and drinks. There are plenty of sources on the Internet to get ideas if you can’t afford a nutritionist or personal trainer. There are also some foods that we may be sensitive too physically, mentally and emotionally, we are all different. So it can be worth doing a food sensitivity test.
• Be very clear on what you want and why. Following a path that you think you ‘should do’ rather than what you want can be extremely damaging. Therefore, make sure you find time to discover what you really do want. I actually invested in a life coach to help me with this, and that’s when I discovered my passion for speaking and coaching alongside writing.

In summary

Make feeling good the priority. When you feel good, life flows so much easier and the right things come into your life. Making feeling good into regular habits is vital, and don’t just try and feel good once but make it a constant practice. There will be setbacks in life, I’m afraid, but you will be so much stronger to face them when you focus on feeling good and the positives in your life.

Don’t chase or wait for happiness but make an effort to feel good now!

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Jonny Pardoe

Jonny Pardoe © November 2019

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I’ve managed to get on top of my fitness, made progress with some more YouTube videos, started coaching individuals—and even delivered my first speech at Toastmasters. J

However, I am going somewhere with this… What I am getting at is that none of this progress would have been possible without taking action.

So, taking action is today’s focus! If there’s one key lesson I’ve picked up in the last year—amongst many—it’s that I am responsible for my own actions, no matter if I am in a bad state or not. The action I take will determine my outcomes.

Today, I discuss action with learning, action with fear / confidence and action with feeling happy. Taking action is key to personal growth and improving mental health.

Action and learning

A few weeks back, I produced a YouTube video on the subject of knowledge and application, and this is the message I am going to emphasise here.

You can pick up all the books, courses, YouTube videos, Podcasts etc., that you like, but if you don’t actually apply that knowledge, then nothing will change. Sitting in front of your screen watching endless YouTube ‘how to’ videos may be inspiring—but you really do have to get up off the couch and do something with the information! (Or, sit on the couch and do something productive online—but you get my drift).

At first, when starting out, you are more than likely going to need these kinds of resources, and you really do need to get all the resources you can, but there is a point when you need to take action. When taking action, I’ve found that is when the true learning actually begins. But this is where people get stuck.

The sad reality is, however, that making things happen doesn’t occur magically, just because you watched some videos. It won’t come by telepathy.

I can use an example from my own life. In starting a YouTube channel, it wasn’t until a conversation with my coach and mentor that I realised I was holding back and needed to start. I was constantly having the conversation with myself that I needed to watch more speakers or learn more before I set up my channel. There was always some reason to procrastinate on the action.

When I came to making my first videos, I didn’t like the videos much but as I made more and more and attended groups such as Toastmasters, I became a lot better. That was when I started learning about my style and how to adjust. The improvements would not have been made unless I actually started.

It’s easy for you to think you need more information before taking action. I never stop learning—as we are all learning—but I make sure I actually take action to make a difference to my life. Even though, sometimes, taking action involves stepping out of the comfort zone or facing fear, which brings us to the next section:

Action and fear / confidence

Have you seen a highly confident person perform a speech or stroll into the workplace and thought, wow, they have all the confidence in the world and no fear? Well, you’re wrong. They are—or would have been—afraid, but they have faced the fear and taken action on it.

There are many ways to try and handle fears, such as visualisation, meditation and in extreme phobia cases, the likes of therapy.

Although these can be effective ways to face fear and increase confidence a bit, and in extreme cases are often needed, the only way you truly can become more confident is by actually taking action and doing the things you fear so you get more accustomed to them.

Now, sometimes, to get confidence in an area or to face a large fear, it can be simply too great a jump for an individual. In these instances, it can be beneficial to break the challenge down even further, into smaller steps.

I will use an example from my life again. When I first started working in the public sector, I was terrified to even say my name in a room full of senior managers. I wanted to become more confident in situations like this, though. So, I broke it down to address these action points:

• Speak in an apprentice and graduates-only group
• Give a small update in my smaller team meeting
• Chair a smaller team meeting
• Give a simple update in a meeting with senior managers
• Provide verbal reports in meetings with senior managers and directors.

Some of the above, I would attempt a couple or a few times before moving to the next stage, but I grew my confidence. By taking actions, though, I have massively developed my confidence in speaking. In my current organisation, I can give company updates, chair the key meetings as well as giving speeches to Toastmasters and doing weekly YouTube videos.

Action and being happy

As probably most, if not all of you will realise, there is no smooth path through life. There will be challenges and setbacks. The choice you do have is how you respond to setbacks and challenges like this. What action you take when things go badly, or when unfortunate circumstances happen, is crucial.

Just to point out, when something extremely bad happens such as a family member’s or a friend’s death, or a tough relationship break-up, these things will take time to grieve over and you wouldn’t have been best placed in missing that grieving time out. Nobody is saying you have to be on top of your game the whole time.

However, there are some bad things where there comes a point to learn from the experience and take action for the rest of your life.

To be happy, you have to do happy. When you take positive action, you won’t always get positive results, but you will eventually. However, lying constantly in self-pity or performing actions such as constantly eating too much junk food, drinking too much or generally not taking care of yourself will be unlikely to provide a positive outcome. There are plenty of examples of famous people who had a horrible start or terrible moments in their lives, but they continued to take action and became the people they are today.

I find it vital for me to take action on myself to look after my mental health. I want to be happy, and know I have to take action to do this. I am in a state whereby I can’t ever give up on myself. Why would I? I am going to be me for the rest of my life, so why not try and take action to make my life as good as it could possibly be?

So, going back to my set-back from the summer, I asked myself what action could I take? It wasn’t an easy time, but I started to increase my meditation, I made sure I ate foods that didn’t deprive my energy or sugar levels—as these would exacerbate my anxiety—and made sure I kept up social activities.

I kept taking action even when I didn’t feel like it.

Then I found progress in my life again. Things started to work out better, even though not straight away. I do believe life will improve, and things will be delivered to you, but you have to take constant positive action even when it’s hard.

Personal growth for me is something that is a must and I love growing myself, even in hard times.

In summary

You can try and reframe your thoughts. You can take on all the learning you want—but if you don’t back all this up with the right actions, nothing will change. Is taking action easy? No, not always. In which case, it can be highly beneficial to break the action down into smaller, simpler chunks. Getting results from action can take time, but by applying no action, nothing will change.

Jonny Pardoe

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Jonny Pardoe © October 2019

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As you may have seen recently in my social media, I’ve not felt quite right recently. My esteem dropped to low levels and in a few areas, my confidence has taken a knock back. Unfortunately, this is not the first time; when a setback has happened, I’ve seen my self-esteem and self-confidence drop. This causes many negative effects for me, in particular, feeling very low and anxious at times.

This time, however, I’ve decided that I have had enough. I’ve made a promise to myself: to learn to love myself and to build my self-esteem up. As a result, in the last few weeks, I’ve been doing a lot of reading about this and noting key habits and actions. If I have a genuine love and appreciation of myself then this will flow across all areas of my life and so when something does knock me back, I’ll be better at bouncing  back and helping  myself through it.

So, today’s blog focuses on self-esteem, self-confidence, the difference between the two and tips for improving them. I know that I am definitely not alone in the world of low self-esteem and so I hope today’s blog helps others too, as my aim is to help people see their purpose and find fulfilment in life.

What is self-confidence?

I’ve learnt self-confidence is specific to different areas of life. Self-confidence is how capable you are in a specific situation or task. For example, if, in my  job, you were to ask me to stand up in front of a group of people, to facilitate a meeting or to update senior leaders or managers, I would be reasonably confident (believe it or not) that I could do that as it is part of my job. This is also something that I practise  regularly. If, on the other hand, you were to ask me to sing in front of a group of people, bearing in mind that I have a terrible voice (seriously it would hurt your ears) and also that I don’t practise singing, then my confidence levels would be pretty low.

Self-confidence is often something that you can practise, just like any skill, but the key part of increasing your self-confidence, is to take action even when you are afraid of doing something. It’s often said that confident people don’t have an absence of fear but rather they just go ahead and do it anyway. So, for me, speaking in front of people is something I found daunting at first, but I did it anyway and in that way, increased my confidence.

What is self-esteem?

Self-esteem, however, is a little different, even though it is connected to self-confidence. If you have good self-esteem, then you are likely to try more things and not worry so much about failure. You will take risks which will increase self-confidence.

Self-esteem for me is divided into two key areas:

• Vision and ambition of your life.
• Self-acceptance and self-love.

Vision and ambition are about how capable you see yourself in life. What is your purpose, what are you here to give to the world. This for me, is actually quite positive as I have always had ambition. I’ve always thought ‘big’ and I continue my journey to pursue my big dreams.

The second part, however, is self-acceptance and self-love; this is about how much you love yourself and your current sense of worth. This is where historically I have always encountered problems. When something goes wrong, I have always had that inner critic in my head screaming at me for making a mistake, for not being where I want to be, and for not being happy with the reality (even though I’m very blessed to have the life I have). This inner critic can be a massive problem for many people.

How self-love / happiness is connected?

Mental health issues such as depression or anxiety often come from a lack of self-esteem, lack of worth, lack of acceptance and struggles to see the positives in yourself. When you love yourself, however, and by this, I mean genuinely love yourself, not just acting confident in front of people. When you love yourself and your life, you will be happy; the two go hand in hand.

Loving yourself is the number one priority to focus on. There are so many benefits associated with loving yourself, but a few include:

• You will focus on things that only add value to your life.
• You will be more productive in all other areas of life / other goals.
• You will bring a positive state to friends and family, being a great person to be around.
• You will be able to bounce back more easily from those setbacks that are inevitable in life.

Now to return to something that I’ve mentioned already. If you have good self confidence in one area but a lack of self-esteem, you are not likely to be happy. Let’s use an example of Adam, an office worker.

Adam is confident in carrying out his day job, in terms of compiling reports, using applications on his computer and his administrative responsibilities, but he doesn’t like doing it or where he is in life. He doesn’t view himself as someone who could do a better job than his current one and therefore, he is miserable.

What would be Adam’s best option here? To increase his confidence in his skills or to work on his self-esteem?

I think you know the answer… self-esteem of course. If Adam works on his self-esteem, he is likely to love himself more, find out what he really wants and support himself on that journey.

Ways to improve self confidence

Self-confidence refers to an area of life and so to increase confidence, you generally have to take action even when you are a bit fearful of doing so. Sometimes the fear is so great, that it may be beneficial to break large overwhelming goals into smaller ones.

When we repeat something time after time, that fear will reduce, as our self-confidence increases.

Let’s use an example of public speaking:

If Dave is required to give a speech to his company but fears public speaking, his self-confidence is going to be quite low. To eliminate the fear and to build up his self-confidence, he could take the following steps:

• Speak to himself in the mirror every night.
• Record himself on camera.
• Do the speech to friends, family or a trusted colleague at work.
• Attend a local speaking group and practise speaking in a helpful, friendly forum.
• Then do the speech.

The other key thing to note about self-confidence, is that there will be no point at which, psychologically, you can be fearless; you will have to face the fear. By breaking it down though and through consistent practice, the amount of fear is likely to reduce, and confidence will increase.

I know this from experience. When I was in my early to mid-twenties and started in the public sector, even saying my name in a meeting full of senior managers, scared me. Now in my later twenties, I am able to speak on YouTube, speak in Toastmaster meetings and even give presentations to the whole company at work. I built up confidence gradually, and although in all those situations, I still have that fear, it has decreased as I have taken action to improve myself.

Ways to improve self esteem

Self-esteem often comes from early experiences in our life, and then significant life experiences later on. If you have a life where your self-esteem has been quite low, this is going to be a challenge to change, but is achievable. Such is the situation that I’ve found myself but even in the space of a few weeks, I’ve seen improvements as I have taken action and changed my habits.

For me, I didn’t have a bad start in life. I was blessed to grow up in a loving family, have a nice home and good friends throughout school. Yet situations in my life have meant that I have viewed myself negatively. Some examples:

• Primary school: being called fat, girls being interested in my friends and not me. Feelings of being ugly, fat and not likeable.
• Secondary school: my friends making other friends, lacking in confidence to make new friends until later years. Getting into football but people telling me how bad I was at it. Feelings of worthlessness and loneliness.
• Sixth form: this was actually a lot better in the second year, but at first, being in a new environment and struggling to talk to people or to make new friends. Feelings of being boring or unlikeable.
• University: more in the first and second year but having ‘lad’ mates around who were charismatic and appealing to the girls, whilst I was not. Constant comparisons. Feelings of being weak, unlikeable and hopeless.
• Twenties: getting rejected by job interview after job interview in the public sector. Made me feel that I was not good enough to do even a simple job in the public sector. Feelings of feeling useless, unworthy and anger (both internally and externally).

There are other examples. Again, I am not trying to create a sob story but trying to demonstrate how many factors in anyone’s life can decrease self-esteem.

It’s about managing the inner critic. One effective description that someone gave me of the inner critic, is that it is like the upset younger child of me. It’s about managing that inner critic, not ignoring it. Ignoring the bad feelings inside you is THE WORST thing you can do. So, here are a series of habits and actions for increasing self-esteem and self- love to counter the inner critic:

Acknowledging: Telling the inner critic that you are listening and you’re in this together to improve matters.

Affirmations: Saying positive phrases to yourself every day, such as ‘I love myself’ or ‘I accept myself as I am’. The brain does not always know the difference between what is real and what is not. So, it’s important to say these with meaning and eventually you will start to believe them. I recommend spending at least a few minutes on these, a couple of times a day.

Journaling: Get your thoughts down on paper, so that you can more easily see what is going on in your head.

Meditation, breathing: Learning to breath will really help to control your thinking. There are many apps that can help but I would recommend spending five minutes or so, on breathing in for four seconds and breathing out for six.

Meditation, discovering the root cause: This was a brilliant exercise that I was given by my life and business coach / mentor. The idea is to ask yourself the question where the negativity is coming from, why you feel like that and in which areas of your life you feel the most affected.  Then ask yourself who you want to be. You are digging into your subconscious and consciously, helping to improve it.

Recording and reading compliments: As human beings we tend to dwell on the negatives rather than positives; this is thought to be because our brain is switched on to protect us from the dangers. We often get compliments and quite quickly forget them. Therefore, keep a list of compliments from people and read them daily. This will train your brain to focus on the positives.

Reduce social media: This is addictive in today’s world, but social media can cause comparisons and feelings of low self-worth. Therefore, reduce your social media use. I’ve limited my use to only two couple of hour slots a day. This not only helps you emotionally but mentally can allow you to focus better.

Visualisation: First of all, spend some time thinking about your ideal life. Then visualise it daily. This helps your brain focus on what makes you happy. Therefore, your subsequent actions and habits  are more likely to be consistently focused on this.

Self-esteem is not something you can fix quickly but with consistent habits and actions such as what has been mentioned above, you will find it steadily increasing. When someone says to me that I’ve done a great job, I am now better at receiving that information or conversely, when I make a mistake, I am less critical of myself.

Now you may be thinking: ‘Jonny, that seems like an awful lot of effort to work on my self-esteem’. Yes and no. Yes, in the way that you have to work for it, but no, in the way that these are just small habits to adopt for a few minutes on a regular basis. It could be argued that time may have been previously wasted scrolling social media or watching something on TV that you don’t even like much. What’s going to be more beneficial? Working to love yourself or seeing how many marshmallows somebody can fit into their mouth on Facebook?

In summary

Self confidence and self-esteem are connected but are also different concepts. Self-confidence is generally a specific area but can be increased by taking action in that particular area or breaking it down into little steps. Self-esteem can be challenging to move from a low position to a high one, especially if you have had experiences in your life which have resulted in it being low. Yet through persistent work, actions and habits, you can increase self-esteem. Self-esteem and therefore happiness, are an absolute must. When you truly love yourself, it will affect all areas of your life.

Jonny Pardoe

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Jonny Pardoe © September 2019

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http://example.com

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