When Life Doesn’t Go to Plan — And Your Head Takes the Hit

There are moments in life where something doesn’t just disappoint you — it hits you.
Hard.

You don’t just feel frustrated.
You feel lost, deflated, questioning yourself, and quietly wondering what this says about you as a man.

If you’ve ever had a plan collapse…
If you’ve ever felt like failure rewired your confidence overnight…
If you’ve ever replayed a moment in your head thinking “This wasn’t how it was supposed to go”…

Then what you’re about to read matters.

When I sat down with Jose Murillo on the podcast, one phrase cut through everything:

Forget it. Drive on.

Not as a way of suppressing emotions.
Not as a way of pretending things don’t hurt.
But as a mental framework for men who want to stay strong without disconnecting from themselves.

Failure, Identity & The First Big Psychological Knock

Jose’s story starts where many men’s confidence fractures for the first time.

You build your identity around a goal.
You work for it.
You sacrifice for it.
You become it.

And then… it doesn’t happen.

For Jose, that was medical school.

Rejected.
Dream gone.
Identity shaken.

At 22 years old, he didn’t just feel disappointed — he felt directionless.
And that’s where many men spiral.

Not because they failed —
but because they don’t know who they are without the thing they failed at.

That’s when his father — a military man who barely spoke English — walked into the room, stood like a drill sergeant, and delivered four words that would shape his entire life:

Forget it. Drive on.

Not “ignore it.”
Not “numb it.”
Not “pretend it didn’t hurt.”

But: acknowledge it… then move.

Why Men Get Stuck Mentally (And How This Breaks Confidence)

Here’s what happens psychologically when you don’t “drive on”:

• you over-identify with failure
  
• you replay it endlessly
  
• you personalise the outcome
  
• you confuse circumstance with self-worth
  
• you get emotionally stuck in the past
  

And over time, this does damage.

Your confidence drops.
Your decision-making tightens.
Your risk tolerance shrinks.
Your self-esteem becomes conditional.

Jose’s father gave him something most men are never taught:

You can feel it — but you don’t have to live in it.

That’s not emotional suppression.
That’s emotional leadership.

Mental Strength Isn’t Stoicism — It’s Direction

Forget It ≠ Bury It

This is important.

“Forget it” doesn’t mean pretending nothing happened.
It means not allowing one moment to define the rest of your life.

You feel it.
You process it.
You learn from it.

And then — you move.

Because staying stuck doesn’t make you deep.
It makes you stagnant.

The Right-Now Rule: How to Stop Your Mind from Spiralling

One of the most powerful tools Jose shared wasn’t motivational — it was practical.

When pressure builds, stress piles up, and your head feels chaotic, you don’t need more thinking.

You need grounding.

Jose uses a simple sensory reset:

• What can you see right now?
  
• What can you hear?
  
• What can you feel physically?
  
• What can you taste or smell?
  

This forces your nervous system out of yesterday’s regrets and tomorrow’s fears and brings you back to now.

Because most mental suffering doesn’t happen in the present moment —
it happens in imagined futures or replayed pasts.

Confidence returns when your mind returns to the present.

Responsibility Without Self-Blame

One of the hardest — and most empowering — truths Jose shared came from a military philosophy:

If you created the situation, you can get out of it.

That’s not about blaming yourself.
It’s about regaining agency.

Victimhood kills confidence.
Responsibility restores it.

When you accept that you have influence — even if you didn’t cause everything — you stop feeling powerless.

And powerlessness is what breaks men internally.

Redefining Success Before It’s Taken Away from You

This part matters deeply for men.

Jose said something most men don’t realise until it’s too late:

If your definition of success is money, status, or position — you’re building your identity on things that can disappear.

And when they do?
So does your sense of worth.

His definition of success?

A campfire.
Good people.
A beer.
Presence.

Not because ambition is bad —
but because relationships and meaning outlast titles.

When you define success internally, life can’t take it away from you.

That’s confidence that survives pressure.

Fear, Action & Why Confidence Is Built Through Movement

Jose didn’t overcome fear by thinking about it.

He overcame it by acting.

Public speaking terrified him — yet he became a CEO, then an entrepreneur.

Not because fear disappeared…
but because action came first.

Confidence follows movement — not the other way around.

Every small action teaches your nervous system that you can handle discomfort.

That’s how self-esteem grows in real life — not affirmations alone, but lived proof.

This One Question Will Save You Years of Mental Energy

One of the most powerful questions Jose shared came from a former boss:

“Is this the hill you want to die on?”

If it won’t matter in five years…
If it doesn’t align with your values…
If it doesn’t serve your future…

Why are you bleeding emotional energy into it now?

This question alone can stop mental burnout in its tracks.

The Core Lesson for Men’s Mental Health

Here’s the truth underneath everything Jose shared:

• Mental strength isn’t pretending you’re unaffected
  
• Confidence isn’t never failing
  
• Self-esteem isn’t external success
  

It’s this:

You can feel deeply — and still move forward.

You can acknowledge pain — without letting it own you.
You can experience setbacks — without losing yourself.

That’s what Forget It. Drive On. really means.

And that’s a framework every man needs.

Lead with your heart and not with fear.

You can find the full episode on any of these channels:

Apple / Spotify / YouTube:

The Self Esteem and Confidence Mindset Podcast

By Jonny Pardoe

©The Self Esteem and Confidence Mindset Ltd 2025

The post Forget It. Drive On. appeared first on The Self Esteem and Confidence Mindset.

If you’ve ever felt walked over…
If you’ve ever swallowed your truth because you didn’t want to upset someone…
If you’ve ever played small just to be accepted…

Then you already know exactly what I’m talking about.

And if you’re honest with yourself, you also know how much it messes with your confidence, your mental health, and your relationships — especially as a man.

Being “nice” is not the same as being kind.
Being “nice” is fear.
Being kind is strength.

Today, I want to share some of the biggest lessons I learned from No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover, and how applying them radically improved my relationship with myself — and everyone else around me.

Because if you’re still trying to be the “nice” version of yourself, you’re abandoning the real you. And that’s the fastest way to destroy your self-esteem.

Let’s get into it.

Nice vs Kind: One Comes From Fear. One Comes From the Heart.

Where You Learned Nice-Guy Behaviour (And Why It Isn’t Serving You)

I used to say yes to everything.
At school, I’d take other kids’ clothes home to wash them — literally.
I’d let people kick my football away and pretend it didn’t bother me.
I’d try to impress girls by saying whatever I thought they wanted to hear.
I’d avoid conflict, avoid honesty, avoid being myself.

All because I wanted to be liked.

All because I was terrified of rejection.
All because I didn’t feel enough.

And every time I betrayed myself, something inside me chipped away:

• my self-respect
  
• my authenticity
  
• my confidence
  
• my trust in myself
  

Being nice is self-abandonment disguised as politeness.

Being kind comes from strength.
Being nice comes from insecurity.

If you feel this one in your chest — good. That means you’re waking up to it.

Why Men Lose Themselves Trying to Be “Nice”

The Pain Underneath the People-Pleasing

Let’s go deeper.

Nice guys aren’t nice because they’re good men.
Nice guys are nice because they’re scared.

Scared of:

• being disliked
  
• being alone
  
• being abandoned
  
• being seen
  
• being rejected
  
• being judged
  
• being themselves
  

I know this because I lived it.

When you don’t accept who you really are, you contort yourself into whatever shape you think others will approve of. And that destroys your confidence from the inside out.

But there’s another layer to this…

A lot of nice-guy behaviour comes from childhood wounds — especially abandonment.

If you lost people early in life, or you weren’t emotionally supported, your nervous system learned:

“If I’m good, they’ll stay. If I’m honest, they’ll leave.”

So you became the agreeable one.
The helpful one.
The flexible one.
The “easy” one.

But not the real you.

Women Don’t Want “Nice Guys” — They Want Secure Men

The Truth Most Men Never Hear

For years, I believed that women only wanted the bad boys.
So I swung between two extremes:

• be the asshole to get attention
  
• be the nice guy to get approval
  

Both were inauthentic.
Both attracted wounded relationships.
Both left me feeling empty.

Here’s the truth:

• Women who haven’t healed their wounds gravitate toward bad boys.
  
• Women who have done the work want a man who leads with heart, boundaries, truth, and confidence — the guy in the middle.
  

Not the bully.
Not the doormat.
The grounded man.

And becoming that man starts with this one thing:

Stop abandoning yourself to be liked.

How to Stop Being the Nice Guy and Start Being the Real You

Here Are the Exact Lessons That Changed Everything for Me

1. Being nice is you abandoning your true self

You can’t feel confident if you’re constantly betraying your own voice.

Ask yourself:

• What do you actually want?
  
• What do you genuinely enjoy?
  
• What do you believe?
  

Be that.
Not the version you think people want.

2. Accept who you are — fully

The greatest antidote to nice-guy behaviour is self-love.

Look in the mirror and tell yourself:

“I am enough as I am right now.”

Don’t just say it.
Feel it.
Breathe it in.

Place your hand on your heart and anchor it into your nervous system.
When you love who you are, you stop tolerating what diminishes you.

3. Stop trying to avoid mistakes

Nice guys try to get everything “right” because they’re terrified of getting anything wrong.

But here’s the reality:

You’re going to make mistakes. Constantly. Because you’re human.

Confidence grows when you take action, not when you wait for perfection.

Celebrate effort, not outcome.

4. Heal your fear of abandonment

One of the deepest wounds in men is the fear of being left.

Inner child work changed my life.
Picture your younger self — 4, 5, 6 years old.
Tell him:

“I’m here for you. I won’t leave you.”

When you anchor safety within yourself, you no longer seek it desperately in others.

5. Be kind — not nice

Kindness is strength.
Kindness is truth.
Kindness is boundaries.

Be kind to yourself:

• rest when you need it
  
• reward your effort
  
• treat yourself with dignity
  
• speak to yourself with love
  

And from that place, be kind to others — not to get approval, but because it’s who you choose to be.

When You Stop Being Nice, You Start Becoming Confident

The World Doesn’t Need Another Nice Guy — It Needs a Real Man

Here’s what you need to know:

When you let go of “nice,” you don’t become harsh.
You don’t become selfish.
You don’t become uncaring.

You become:

• grounded
  
• honest
  
• loving
  
• confident
  
• secure
  
• powerful
  

You become a man who lives from the heart, not fear.

And that’s the man who attracts healthy relationships.
That’s the man who commands respect.
That’s the man who leads.
That’s the man you’re here to become.

Lead with your heart and not with fear.

The post Why Being “Too Nice” Is Destroying Your Confidence (And What to Do Instead) appeared first on The Self Esteem and Confidence Mindset.

You can look incredible on the outside and still feel completely disconnected on the inside.
You know that already.
You’ve lived that.
And if you’ve ever wondered why you don’t feel as confident as you “should,” even when you’re doing all the “right things,” this one’s for you.

When I interviewed Sandra Lena Silverman — bestselling author of From Bullshit to Botox and the upcoming From Bullshit to Broken Heart — it wasn’t just about beauty or relationships. It was about self-esteem. Real self-esteem. The kind you build when no one’s watching.

Her story highlights something important for you, especially if you’re on a journey of rebuilding your confidence:

If you don’t work on the internal, the external will never feel like enough.

Let’s break down what this actually means for your self-esteem, your confidence, and your ability to choose yourself — not just in how you see yourself, but in the people you allow into your world.

The Illusion of “I’ll Feel Better Once I Fix the Outside”

When External Confidence Isn’t the Full Story

Sandra spent years chasing external beauty — procedures, surgeries, endless self-improvement on the outside. And yet…
she still didn’t feel good enough.

Why?
Because when the internal foundation is cracked, nothing external can hold.
And the more you try to fill that inner void with outer changes, the deeper the void becomes.

Her words made something really clear:

“I had done all this exterior work, and I wasn’t really happy.”

Maybe you’ve felt that too.
Maybe you’ve tried to “fix” something external hoping it would silence the internal voice that says:

• “You’re not enough.”
  
• “You need to change more.”
  
• “You need someone else’s approval.”
  

The truth?
External upgrades can only amplify what’s already there.
They can’t replace self-love.
They can’t replace boundaries.
They can’t replace healing.

The Inner Work That Builds True Self-Esteem

You Cannot Hate Yourself Into a Better Version of Yourself

When Sandra finally did the internal work — life coaching, healing childhood trauma, eliminating toxic people — everything shifted.

This wasn’t “surface-level healing.”
This was deep.
Uncomfortable.
Messy.
Life-changing.

And if you’re serious about your own confidence journey, here are the core truths she uncovered that you need to hear:

1. Toxic people destroy self-worth faster than anything else

Friends of 35 years.
A partner who tore her down repeatedly.
People who drained her, belittled her, or quietly resented her.

You can’t build self-esteem while someone else is tearing it apart.

2. Loving yourself means walking away — even when it hurts

Not because it’s easy.
But because you finally recognise:

“If I really loved myself, I wouldn’t allow this.”

3. Confidence requires consistency

Not just in thoughts.
But in:

• workouts
  
• nutrition
  
• rest
  
• boundaries
  
• self-care
  
• emotional healing
  

Confidence is the byproduct of keeping promises to yourself.

How to Start When You Feel Overwhelmed

Because Confidence Doesn’t Arrive — You Build It

Sandra emphasised something simple but powerful:

Choose yourself for at least one hour a day.

That’s it.
One hour where you put your wellbeing before everything else.

Here’s how you start when you don’t know where to begin:

• go for a walk
  
• move your body
  
• meditate
  
• journal
  
• read
  
• dry brush
  
• do a basic at-home skincare routine
  
• take supplements
  
• sit in stillness
  
• breathe
  

It’s not about what you choose — it’s about choosing you.

Because if you never choose yourself, you can’t expect self-esteem to magically grow.

Recognising Toxicity & Rebuilding Confidence Through Boundaries

Confidence is Saying: “I Deserve Better — And I Will Act Like It.”

One of the most powerful parts of Sandra’s story was how she rebuilt her boundaries.
Not intellectually.
Not theoretically.
Practically.
Ruthlessly.
Lovingly.

She realised:

• If someone gives her anxiety before meeting them → they’re gone.
  
• If someone’s energy feels off → she walks away.
  
• If someone speaks down to her → she’s done.
  
• If someone doesn’t clap when she wins → they’re not her people.
  

Boundaries aren’t walls.
They’re filters.
They filter out anything that disrupts your peace, your growth, your energy.

And hear this:

Your self-esteem rises every time you remove someone who lowers it.

Healing Your Inner Story So You Stop Attracting What Hurt You

You Don’t Heal by Moving On — You Heal by Going In

Sandra was brutally honest:

She kept attracting narcissists because she hadn’t healed the part of herself that tolerated narcissists.

This is a huge truth for your confidence:

You attract what reflects how you feel about yourself.

When you feel unworthy, you attract people who confirm it.
When you heal, you attract people who respect it.

Her healing included:

• therapy
  
• relationship coaching
  
• plant-based medicine
  
• hypnosis
  
• trauma work
  
• reconnecting with her childhood memories
  
• identifying emotional patterns
  
• rebuilding trust in herself
  

And the more she healed, the more her confidence came back.

You don’t attract better by wishing for better.
You attract better by becoming better internally.

Real Confidence Comes From Choosing You — Over and Over Again

And That Starts With One Decision

If you take one thing from Sandra’s story, let it be this:

Self-esteem is the result of loving yourself enough to stop settling.

When you choose:

• your peace
  
• your boundaries
  
• your healing
  
• your wellbeing
  
• your space
  
• your truth
  
• your growth
  

…your confidence naturally rises.
Your energy rises.
Your relationships rise.
Your standards rise.
And the world rises to meet you.

Whether you’re healing old wounds, rebuilding confidence after a breakup, rising from toxic friendships, or simply learning how to truly value yourself again — your self-esteem grows every time you choose you.

And you deserve to choose yourself.

Lead with your heart and not with fear.

You can find the full episode on any of these channels:

Apple / Spotify / YouTube:

The Self Esteem and Confidence Mindset Podcast

By Jonny Pardoe

©The Self Esteem and Confidence Mindset Ltd 2025

The post Why Self-Esteem Isn’t Just About How You Look — It’s About Who You Choose to Become appeared first on The Self Esteem and Confidence Mindset.

If you’ve ever sat there feeling embarrassed or ashamed about your bank balance, or confused about why money feels so heavy, so stressful, so… personal you’re not alone.
Most men I’ve spoken to have had some internal battle around money:

• fear of not having enough
  
• fear of losing what he does have
  
• fear of being judged for what he earns
  
• fear of looking weak
  
• fear of not doing “well enough”
  

And let’s be honest here: you live in a world where you’re expected to “provide,” “handle it,” and “just get on with it,” but no one has ever sat you down and taught you the emotional side of money.

So when I recently went through a Money Masterclass with Jim Fortin, a lot hit me hard. Not because the ideas were new, but because I realised I’d already lived them. I’d already seen them play out in my life, especially during the years I was struggling, in debt, trying to figure myself out as a man.

What you’re about to read isn’t theory.
It’s lived experience.
It’s truth.
It’s exactly what I wish someone had said to me years ago.

Lesson One: Your Money Beliefs Aren’t Yours You Inherited Them

The Beliefs Passed Down Through Your Bloodline

Here’s something confronting:
your beliefs about money didn’t come from you.

They came from:

• your parents
  
• their parents
  
• their trauma
  
• their circumstances
  
• their fears
  

Especially men.
Men were raised for generations in the shadow of scarcity. Many of our grandparents lived through the Great Depression. That energy didn’t just vanish  it was handed down like family china.

Maybe you were taught:

• “Money is hard.”
  
• “You must work yourself to the bone to survive.”
  
• “Rich people are greedy.”
  
• “Money is dangerous.”
  
• “You should feel guilty when you have more than others.”
  

Or maybe you absorbed the emotional atmosphere — the stress, the arguments, the survival mode energy.

And if no one ever told you this before, let me be the one:

If your money beliefs are inherited, you can also choose new ones.

But you can’t change anything until you get brutally honest about what you currently believe.

Sit with it.
Ask yourself the uncomfortable questions.
Because this one shift alone can change your entire financial identity.

Lesson Two: You Live by Rules You Didn’t Realise You’d Written

The Invisible Money Rulebook Running Your Life

You weren’t given a money rulebook in school.
But you did absorb one subconsciously.

Ask yourself:

• What are the rules you believe about making money?
  
• Do you believe you must struggle for it?
  
• Do you believe you must sacrifice your happiness for it?
  
• Do you secretly think you’re not worthy of having more?
  
• Do you think giving means losing?
  
• Do you think wealth is selfish?
  

Because here’s the reality:

Two people can work the same hours.
One becomes wealthy.
One barely survives.

It’s not the hours.
It’s the rules.

Change the rules. Change the results.

Lesson Three: Money Comes From the Inside Out — Not the Other Way Around

How You Feel Creates How You Spend, Earn, Save & Attract

I used to believe I had to grind myself into exhaustion to earn more.
Classic masculine conditioning, right?

But the truth is the opposite:

When you feel good first, money becomes easier. When you feel scarce, money runs from you.

Let me give you an example.

A while back I planned to give a homeless man a tenner.
Cash machine only gave me twenties.
So I gave him twenty.

Old me would’ve panicked.
New me knew: generosity expands you.
Fear shrinks you.

And what happened?
Opportunities increased.
Unexpected money showed up.
Better deals found me.

Not because of magic.
Because of alignment.

If you want more money, start by feeling:

• grateful
  
• grounded
  
• safe
  
• abundant
  
• worthy
  

Not someday.
Now.

And if you’re sceptical?
Track it.
Write down every unexpected £10, £100 or opportunity that comes your way when you’re in a good emotional state.
You’ll shock yourself.

Some men do this unconsciously and wonder why life keeps improving.
Others stay stuck in anger, frustration and fear — and wonder why nothing changes.

Be the first man.

Lesson Four: Your Energy Dictates Your Income

What You Feed Your Mind & Body Shows Up in Your Bank Account

Energy isn’t just physical.

It’s emotional.
Mental.
Spiritual.
Behavioural.

Everything affects it:

• alcohol
  
• processed food
  
• lack of sleep
  
• doom-scrolling
  
• anxious thinking
  
• unresolved emotions
  
• negativity
  
• environments that drain you
  

Let me be blunt:
Alcohol absolutely smashed my energy for years.

Temporarily numbs you?
Yes.
Temporarily makes you feel confident?
Yes.
Destroys your long-term energy and clarity?
Absolutely.

And low energy leads to:

• poor decisions
  
• overspending
  
• emotional purchases
  
• self-sabotage
  
• financial chaos
  

But when you raise your energy — through breathwork, clean food, stillness, better habits, better emotional processing — money flows easier.

Not magically.
Energetically.

Lesson Five: Give Because It Feels Good — Not Because You Want Something Back

And Value Yourself While You’re Doing It

Most people give to get.
Men especially.
We want recognition, validation, approval, something in return.

But giving without expectation?
That’s powerful.

That’s where abundance actually comes from.

I record podcasts, post content, help people, and give value — not because everyone will buy something. That would be insane.

I give because giving is who I am.

And ironically:

• clients come from unexpected places
  
• income flows from different directions
  
• doors open I didn’t even know existed
  

Because that’s what happens when you give for pleasure, not for permission.

But the second half of this matters too:

If you don’t value yourself, the world won’t either.

So yes, give.
But also charge fairly, know your worth, and stop apologising for wanting to build wealth.

The Five Lessons (In One Quick Snapshot)

1. Your beliefs about money are inherited — replace the ones that hurt you.

2. Your internal money rulebook is running the show — rewrite it consciously.

3. Money is created from the inside out — feel abundant now.

4. Your energy determines your earning capacity — protect it fiercely.

5. Give because it feels good — and value yourself while you do it.

These are the lessons that helped me move from scarcity, debt, fear and shame… into a healthier relationship with money, confidence, and myself as a man.

They’ll do the same for you.

Lead with your heart and not with fear.

You can find the full episode on any of these channels:

Apple / Spotify / YouTube:

The Self Esteem and Confidence Mindset Podcast

By Jonny Pardoe

©The Self Esteem and Confidence Mindset Ltd 2025

The post Money, Masculinity & The Inner War You Don’t Talk About: 5 Lessons Every Man Needs for a Healthier Money Mindset appeared first on The Self Esteem and Confidence Mindset.

If you’ve ever wondered why you click instantly with some people and struggle painfully with others, you’re not broken. You’re human. And whether you’ve been aware of it or not, emotional intelligence has been directing those interactions.

When I sat down with Dr. Robin Hills — a leading voice in emotional intelligence and founder of EI4Change — I knew this wasn’t going to be another fluffy, motivational chat. This was a deep dive into the stuff most people think they understand… until they’re asked to actually demonstrate it.

Before you roll your eyes at the phrase “emotional intelligence,” let’s be clear: this isn’t about becoming some serene monk who feels nothing, floats above pain, and smiles beatifically while life falls apart.
No — emotional intelligence is far more real, far more uncomfortable, and far more powerful than that.

It’s about being smart with your feelings so you can make solid decisions and build relationships that don’t fall apart the second life gets stressful.

Let’s get into it.

What Emotional Intelligence Actually Is

A Simple Definition for Something Deeply Complex

Emotional intelligence, as Robin put it, is essentially:

Being smart with your feelings so you can make the right decisions and build authentic relationships — then act on them.

That’s it.
No mystical jargon.
No personality test bingo.
Just you, your emotions, and learning how to not let them bulldoze your wellbeing or relationships.

And yes, you can develop it. You’re not stuck with whatever emotional toolkit you had at 17. Cognitive intelligence may plateau, but emotional intelligence evolves for your entire life — until cognitive decline sets in, at which point you’ve earned the right to be as eccentric and brutally honest as you want.

The Myths Everyone Gets Wrong

Myth #1: “I’m already emotionally intelligent.”

If someone has to tell you they’re emotionally intelligent… they’re probably not.

I’ve met people — especially in leadership — who proudly announce, “Oh, I’m very emotionally intelligent,” right before explaining how they ‘manage’ people by making them fearful, stressed, or angry at will.
Right. Inspiring.

Myth #2: Emotional intelligence = controlling a handful of basic emotions

It’s not just about anger, guilt, shame, happiness or anxiety. You’re not managing emojis.
You’re managing:

• The way your body reacts
  
• The way your thoughts shift
  
• The way your behaviour changes
  
• The impact all of that has on someone else
  

You are reacting emotionally in every conversation — including this one.

Where You Actually Start

If you’re thinking, “Great, emotional intelligence sounds useful, but I have no idea where to begin,” here’s Robin’s simple truth:

Start with self-awareness.

Personality assessments like DISC, MBTI, OCEAN, or NEO can help — as long as they’re paired with coaching.
Do one alone and it’s basically a horoscope.
Do one with guidance and it becomes a mirror into your blind spots, patterns, and default reactions.

And trust me — if you want confidence, healthier relationships, better self-esteem, or just a clearer sense of who you are… self-awareness isn’t optional.

How Emotional Intelligence Helps You Handle Stress

You Need Stress — but Not the Kind That Flattens You

Pressure isn’t the enemy.
In fact, a bit of stress (known as eustress) fuels motivation, growth, and performance.

The problem?
When stress tips past “helpful nudge” into “complete derailment.”

And here’s where emotional intelligence comes in:

• It helps you spot your emotional state before it blindsides you.
  
• It shows you what triggered the stress in the first place.
  
• It teaches you how to adapt rather than collapse.
  

And yes — in the heat of the moment, it’s still hard. Even emotional intelligence experts lose the plot sometimes. As Aristotle put it:

“Anyone can become angry — that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, in the right way, at the right time… that is not easy.”

Humanity wins again.

Using “Negative” Emotions as Tools — Not Threats

Sadness, anger, shame… these emotions are not flaws. They’re data.

Yes — data.

Emotions tell you:

• Why something matters
  
• What value was threatened
  
• What loss you’re grieving
  
• Which boundary was crossed
  
• Which need wasn’t met
  

When Robin spoke about his mother’s passing, he explained how sadness is part of the healing process. It resets you emotionally and physiologically, helping you move forward rather than stay emotionally frozen.

So if you’ve ever wondered, “How could sadness possibly help me?”
That’s how.

Allowing Yourself to Actually Feel

Why suppressing emotions destroys relationships

You can suppress emotions… until you can’t.

And when your emotions finally erupt, they don’t come out politely with a cup of tea. They come out like a blunderbuss — loud, abrupt, and completely disproportionate.

Learning to say:

“I’m feeling… (insert emotion)”

…is the simplest, most effective step toward emotional intelligence.

No one can argue with your emotions. They can argue with your logic, but not your internal experience.

Try:

• “I’m feeling overwhelmed because…”
  
• “I’m feeling anxious right now due to…”
  
• “I’m feeling excited about…”
  

This one practice opens doors to deeper connection — especially in romantic relationships where emotional engagement isn’t optional; it’s the glue.

Why Men Especially Need This Work

A lot of men only express emotions at:

• football matches
  
• the pub
  
• when their team loses
  
• when their team wins
  
• and occasionally when they stub a toe
  

But emotional intelligence isn’t tough-guy suppression.
It’s learning how to feel, express, and communicate what’s going on inside before it sabotages your mental health or relationships.

Even crying — yes, crying — is not a weakness.
It’s a release valve.

Music does this for both me and Robin.
A song hits the right note from the right era and suddenly you’re feeling every memory you packed away for a decade.

It doesn’t make you fragile.
It makes you human.

Self-Esteem, Confidence, and the Way You Relate to Yourself

When you grow your emotional intelligence, you stop fighting yourself.

You stop seeing emotions as enemies and start seeing them as signals — messages from a wiser, deeper part of you.

Your self-esteem improves because you’re no longer shaming yourself for feeling things.

Your confidence rises because you’re no longer afraid of your internal world.

And your relationships become richer because you’re finally showing up as… you.

Final Thoughts: The One Message You Need to Take Away

There is only one of you.
There always has been, and there always will be.

Your emotional world isn’t something to fear or suppress — it’s something to understand, to work with, to respect.

Because when you learn to use your emotions as information rather than identity, you don’t just build confidence.
You build the kind of self-trust that carries you through stress, grief, conflict, and every curveball life throws at you.

Lead with your heart and not with fear.

You can find the full episode on any of these channels:

Apple / Spotify / YouTube:

The Self Esteem and Confidence Mindset Podcast

By Jonny Pardoe

©The Self Esteem and Confidence Mindset Ltd 2025

The post Understanding Emotional Intelligence: The Skill That Shapes Your Confidence, Relationships, and Mental Health appeared first on The Self Esteem and Confidence Mindset.

These are some of the ways I’ve effectively found leading myself.

Inner child work 

Critical for self love and a self relationship. If you can’t sit with your own inner child how can you really love yourself? It’s like abandoning your own child. You are your own inner child. So pay attention to your own inner child’s needs and look after him and then the man will appear as the leader.

Listening to your heart

Every day we get to make a decision – shall I lead with love or fear? Your heart always wants to lead with love, it is wisdom. The problem is the mind gets so loud I’ve found I can’t hear it, unless I make the intention to connect to it daily.

Focus on the needle movers

Stop distracting yourself with ‘busy stuff’ in fact busy is a word I’ve banned. I like to focus on three goals. My finances, my relationship / health and my mission. Then I focus on what are 3 habits each day towards each of these.

When I’ve found ownership on myself, my own discipline and sitting through my own emotions I’ve found being able to help others a lot more effective and supportive 🙂

Jonny Pardoe

©The Self Esteem and Confidence Mindset Ltd 2025

The post Leading Yourself First appeared first on The Self Esteem and Confidence Mindset.

In men’s mental health, this version of positivity shows up everywhere. Maybe you’ve been taught to plaster on a smile at work, tell your mates you’re “all good,” or convince yourself that repeating affirmations will cure years of stress and suppressed anger. 

To be clear I do believe in a positive mindset over a negative one. A positive mindset is a great starter but there’s a lot more deeper I’ve found. 

The issue isn’t positivity itself — it’s the fakery. Telling myself to “man up” or slap a grin over the cracks is like taping your car’s check-engine light. Sure, you can still drive it for a while, but eventually, the thing is going to break down… and probably in the middle of traffic.

For men, this is especially dangerous. You’re under pressure to appear strong, unshakeable, the guy who’s got it all together. So when you feel like crap, you hide it behind forced optimism. And the more you do that, the more your inner world quietly rots.

So What Do You Do Instead?

• Feel it first. You don’t need to camp out in your pain forever, but stop running from it. Journal, talk it out, hit the gym — whatever gets it out of your head and into the open. Breathwork is a personal favourite.
  
• Act where you can. Positivity without action is a lie. If something needs changing, take a step — even a small one — toward fixing it.
  
• Ditch the fake grin. Real optimism isn’t about pretending everything’s fine; it’s about building resilience so you can handle life’s punches without needing to fake it.
  

Surface-level positivity isn’t just ineffective, it’s dangerous. For men, it keeps you locked in silence, pretending, holding it all together on the outside while you’re crumbling on the inside.

A positive mindset done right isn’t about ignoring what hurts. It’s about owning your truth, facing it, and then choosing to move forward with resilience, not denial. That’s the kind of mindset that actually heals.

©The Self Esteem and Confidence Mindset Ltd 2025

The post Men’s Mental Health: Why “Just Stay Positive” Does Not Always Work appeared first on The Self Esteem and Confidence Mindset.

   Even writing this makes me emotional. The problem I’ve found as a man is this has come from a lack of being able to express my emotions when I’ve been hurt or wounded. Let me share a very personal story with you, when I was young at the ages of 2-7 I lost a brother, another sibling in miscarriage, my grandad and my grandma who at the time was my best friend. I got to a point where I couldn’t feel sad when my grandma died as my system was so shut off.

   This manifested in different ways, as a kid I would distract myself with video games, in my teenage years I would day dream and fantasy away from reality and then into my twenties I became a party animal out every weekend getting wasted pretty much all the time. Even though I didn’t drink every day, when I went out on weekends I was subconsciously doing it to avoid reality. I also became addicted to external validation, something to this day I’ve definitely worked on a lot but now and then have to catch it out. 

   I didn’t know how to feel my own emotions. I didn’t have problems socially in my late teens or twenties as I met lots of people. When I got into the personal growth space in 2019 I explored many modalities which in the last two years has led me into breath work and deeper modalities allowing me to really feel into myself. I will feel anger, anxiety, stress, sadness and allow myself. I will also feel a lot more joy, peace and excitement too. My journey back now from the challenging emotions is a lot healthier than it’s ever been.

So how have I developed my emotional expression?

• Daily breath work – 10 minutes daily
• A routine to feel emotions when they come up – for example if anger comes up I give myself a minute to scream into a pillow. If sadness I may sit down to some sad music hug myself and cry
• Find the right people who hold space, not give advice or can’t listen very well

Those are some of my favourites but I make it a priority rather than running from them. Whatever you decide is your emotional expression, I suggest making it a priority for you and do it regularly. One final note I’ll add is to find the right people to share with even if that’s a therapist or coach. Emotionally people can’t always hold space, and that doesn’t make them wrong but find a container that makes you feel safe. That also includes yourself, give yourself room to feel emotions or else they will build up.

Jonny Pardoe

The Self Esteem and Confidence Mindset Ltd 2025 ©

The post Emotional Expression for Men appeared first on The Self Esteem and Confidence Mindset.

Anxious Attachment: It’s Not About Being “Weak”

Let’s just get this out of the way: anxious attachment doesn’t mean you’re a fragile little flower who can’t handle life. I’ve worked in project management and sales—two areas where having thin skin is about as useful as a chocolate teapot.

But yeah, anxious attachment means some things hit you a little differently. It means you might overthink the silence. It means you’re hyper-aware of people’s shifts in tone or communication. And it absolutely means you need to put tools in place to look after yourself.

I used to convince myself I was the secure, emotionally-unshakable guy. You know the one: “Nah, I’m fine, it’s cool, I’m good” while emotionally repressing anything that resembled vulnerability. Turns out, that’s not confidence. That’s denial.

The Wake-Up Call

This year in particular forced me to face it. Like many men, I was believing: “Don’t show emotions. Be strong.” That doesn’t work. Pretending you don’t feel something doesn’t make you strong—it makes you disconnected.

The most important relationship you will ever have is with yourself. If that one is shaky, every other connection becomes collateral damage.

Let me take you back to a moment that really drove this home. I dated someone this year I really cared about. It was short-lived, but felt meaningful. Then in what felt like a blink things went from very close intimate connection on dates, looking at each other deeply.

Her saying “Can I plan our next date?” “Here’s a cute photo of us” she took, fun messaging from the last date to planning the next from both sides to the….. “Yeah, I’m not feeling it anymore.” killer text. Which impacted me harder than it had before.

Now, I didn’t chase. I had an honest conversation with her on the mixed signals, but in the end it was not to be. I set a boundary and stated I had to stop communication or connection on social media etc, as I did not want friendship, she understood but it still hurt. 

But if you’re someone with anxious attachment, that kind of situation? Someone very close to you (no matter the period of time) and then suddenly pulling away from no change in your own behaviour and being yourself. It cracked something open in me. It felt like being a three-year-old again, suddenly abandoned. Obviously I attracted that situation in so there is a message there and more to explore I do take ownership of what I bring into my life.

Childhood Roots

When I was two and a half, my brother passed away. My parents were at the hospital a lot. On top of that, I literally ran out of the house and got lost in my village—twice. Imagine the emotion that creates. So yeah, abandonment fears? Not exactly pulled out of thin air.

I’m not saying you need a traumatic childhood to have anxious attachment, I didn’t with two loving and beautiful parents. But the little things you dismiss matter. Stop brushing them under the rug. They’re shaping you whether you acknowledge them or not.

5 Practices That Help Me Handle Anxious Attachment

Here are five things that have helped me manage it, this is me speaking from lived experience, not from some textbook. Although if you need real support I’d suggest getting a professional or calling a helpline, I am not a mental health professional. 

1. Acknowledge It

You can’t change what you won’t admit. I’m not saying announce your attachment style on your first date or on top of the roofs, but owning it internally is powerful.

Give yourself compassion. Recognise that some of your behaviour comes from very logical survival wiring.

2. Boundaries With Yourself

If you know certain environments, conversations, or even foods make you more anxious, manage them.

• Cut out that caffeine bomb before bed.
• Maybe skip that one wedding where everyone else is coupled up.
• Say no to the late-night doom-scrolling.

3. Boundaries With Others

This one’s fun (and by fun, I mean wildly uncomfortable until you master it).

Set standards for how others treat you:

• “Bad texters”? Nah. That’s not a thing. If you won the lottery, you wouldn’t wait six hours to text back.
• Emotionally inconsistent? No thanks.
• Can’t find five minutes in a week to have a phone call? (Unless away for a genuine emergency) Bye.

Being honest about your standards isn’t high maintenance. It’s self-respect. This is for close friends and dating / relationships/

4. Feel Your Emotions

You can’t outrun feelings. You can stuff them down and pretend they’re not there, but they’ll just come out sideways.

Instead, sit with it. Let it pass through you. 60 to 90 seconds of real emotion, fully felt in the body, is often all it takes to reset your nervous system. Don’t stay in your head—breathe it out, feel it out.

5. Take Care of Your Body (It’s Not Just a Brain Thing)

Your diet, your movement, your breath, all of it impacts your mind.

• Eat well.
• Move your body.
• Do the breathwork.

Nothing triggers anxious thoughts like being hungover, underslept, and over-caffeinated while obsessively checking your phone.

Final Thoughts: You Are Not Broken

You might worry that having anxious attachment makes you unlovable or weak. I did for myself but NO!

Emotional intelligence isn’t pretending to be unaffected. It’s knowing who you are and owning it. If someone can’t handle you being real about where you’re at? That’s not a loss that’s a filter.

And don’t worry—I’m not about to start sobbing over dinner on a first date. Vulnerability isn’t about emotional vomiting; it’s about honesty. It’s about saying, “Hey, this is who I am. I’m aware of it. And I’m doing the work.”

That is strength I’ve come to recognise.

Stay aware. Stay honest. And remember: the right people won’t just tolerate your emotional depth they’ll value it.

Jonny Pardoe

©The Self Esteem and Confidence Mindset Ltd 2025

The post Men’s Mental Health: How I Manage Anxious Attachment appeared first on The Self Esteem and Confidence Mindset.

1. The wrong nutrition

Completely underestimated in my opinion in the role of food and drink for mental health. We know that you will put on weight if you don’t eat well or exercise much, but what about the mental impacts? For me alcohol can really make me depressed. High sugars can bring out extreme anxiety for me. Clean water makes me feel energetic and good.

To handle this I’ve become conscious of how I am feeling after food and drink. I write that as a note on my phone. Then daily I will scan my phone to look at those lists. I will even ban certain foods and tell my accountability partner I am banning those foods. If I have any of them I will give a forfeit to him. This has been much stronger than willpower. Willpower doesn’t last without a system.

2. The information I am consuming

Consuming too much social media can impact me negatively. If I am looking at comparisons or lack or fear type content. Listening to uplifting videos or content can really help me.

So therefore putting social media restrictions – even what I am looking at has helped me. Then making it mandatory to listen to inspiring teachers a little bit each day or reading Again if you want to make it into a system get an accountability partner and say you’ll pay them £200 if you mess up.

3. The people I am hanging out with

Earlier I was hanging out with a fun group from my career. The conversation was playful and fun. I felt great and joyful and I didn’t even need alcohol. I’ve also had times when I’ve hung out with people (who weren’t bad people) but just didn’t fit in with the vibe or energy and did not feel great. 

So my recommendation is to start logging who you feel great around and not. Then change your environment to help you even more.

4. Talking and sharing with the right people vulnerably

There is a well known idea that men don’t open up or share as much. I believe this to be true, certainly for myself for many years. What I feel is missed is that sharing with the wrong people can actually be a lot more damaging than good.

 I’ve shared with people (who are well intentioned) and either they did not have the capacity to listen to me or don’t have the ability. Ever talked to someone and they weren’t truly present with you or they just started projecting unwelcome advice? Yeah unfortunately it happens. If you don’t feel heard but someone, you can stop sharing with them but don’t give up find a professional or hotline like Samaritans to begin with. If you have someone you feel safe with talk to them.

5. Not taking action

What does that mean? At the end of the day it’s important to do the inner work whether that is meditation, breathwork, exercise etc. But if you don’t take action on what you say you’re going to do or move to your goals it will damage your confidence and relationship with yourself. If you are in a dark place like I’ve been a few times it’s important to set smaller steps and build up later. Not consistently doing what I said I was going to do was very damaging though. When I take action and celebrate I feel really good, like right now I am writing when I told myself I would.

Conclusion:

We all have different ways of how we’re impacted and mental health. These are five ways that have impacted me and what has helped. I hope it is useful to you and the steps you can take. Remember you are not alone, which is how I’ve felt many times.

Thank you for reading today.

Jonny

©The Self Esteem and Confidence Mindset Ltd 2025

The post My 5 Biggest Challenges for Mental Health as a Man and What I’ve Done About Them appeared first on The Self Esteem and Confidence Mindset.